Work, Men's Work

The men's group I'm in met the other day, and one of the big topics was work. It's fair to say that this theme was the predominant theme, and that there was a lot to unpack amongst 4 men. My example today will be from my own “work” on the house. The same process applies to “work” in earning a living.

Things we do are different from many men's groups.

What we don't do

• I've met with guys who fast when another man 'breaks his vow of purity'. We don't do that.
• I've met with men who spend their time serving the poor. Noble, but we don't do that--as a focus.
• I've met with guys who sit around, drink, and smoke cigars. While we do get together socially, help each other fix our cars & houses, etc. that is not our focus.

What *do* we do?
It seems simple since we don't do the three things above that many men do when they gather. Sure, part of it is that we meet from 8-11 am on Saturdays.

There are several things we do:

1) Pray

We open every meeting in prayer, inviting the Holy Spirit to guide us in our time.

2) Minimize the "story".

I want to be a great storyteller. I don't match the level of detail with my audience's appetite. Just ask my boss. Or a former boss. I love a good story, and context matters to me. Ask anyone who is a Myers-Briggs "P". And the story is not the issue. We don't camp out on the infinitesimal detail before & after some "event". We could camp out here for days & not get anywhere. So we move away from this quickly; 2-3 sentences will do.

3) Identify the emotions involved

Emotions? Feelings?

Jokes aside, this is relevant stuff.

Why are you fired up about work? What do you feel, besides anger? For many men, including me, anger is the "idiot light" on the dashboard telling me something is going on inside. Usually, when I pause to look underneath, it's not anger driving things.

Think about it. When was the last time you asked yourself what you felt -- and actually figured out the answer? If I'm hung up in my men's group, I can ask for help. We'll figure out what emotions are swirling about in my head. Because these guys *know me*, they can ask questions, speak truth, and help me see into my heart. And that is where the action is. Really.

4) Look back, re-evaluate the situation, and take action

Most often, I'm hung up about two outcomes, and I'm *convinced* the will both happen. Most often one of them is happening, and I expect the other will happen. The other things I expect will happen, along with the emotions there, are usually rooted in the past. In my life, those rules or stories were true and/or served me a long time ago. And often they no longer serve me and are no longer true. What if I saw these things in a new light & re-evaluated them?

An example

My Dad was pretty handy. He fixed everything that broke in our house, without a bunch of drama or fanfare. We weren't rich, so fixing things saved money that was in short supply in the first place. I'm handy too, but I was 12 when he died, and there's a lot he never got the chance to teach me. Part of me believes that 1) I can't afford professional help around the house/cars, and 2) real men don't need help there.

My wife has waited, mostly with great patience, for *years* to take a bath again in our master bathroom. She likes baths, and our other full bathroom borders the twins' room, so running water late at night wakes them up. And tip-toeing through toothpaste & a bathroom used by two boys is not a spa experience. Grad School, a new job, and the intricacies of working with silicone caulk aside, it is still not bath-ready. 

I don't know how and am afraid to do the work. It could look like crap & be a huge failure. On the other hand, my wife loves baths, and currently the caulk in that bathroom *is* a huge failure, b/c I've removed it but not replaced it!

Only one of these outcomes is true. The other I *believe* will come true. So I'm stuck. Do I take the risk that I'll screw it up, or acknowledge that it is already screwed up, b/c it doesn't work? I'm screwed either way… I could blow it. 

What if people hung with me either way? That's revolutionary. What if they spotted my issues, b/c they knew me & I tell them, and they help me figure out which is true, and which *might* be true? What if they challenge me to step out of my contort zone?

Take Heart...And Action!

Whether the issue is work, caulking my bathtub, or somewhere in between, I have a group of men who know me, challenge me to the best I can be, and call "shenanigans" on my "stuff". Working through these things helps us be the men God created us to be, frees us to do the work we need to do in our families, communities, churches, and jobs.

If you are not part of a group of men like this, take heart. There are men out there where this is why we gather: to help each other work through our junk, support us while we do it, and challenge us to take action. 

Why not get out there & find a place to teach you these things? The Crucible Project offers an initial weekend that does it. If you're not a Christian, but this idea resonates with you, the Mankind Project sponsors a similar weekend. I've done them both, and am partial to TCP because I believe in the transformational power of Jesus & the Holy Sprit.

What's keeping you? Get going!