I got an email from a friend this morning. He’s a really
good man, a guy who knows himself and the work he has yet to do *on* himself.
He leads by example, serves others, and is working every day to be his best and
make the world a better place.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our
darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child
of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened
about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all
meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God
that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let
our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the
same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically
liberates others.
Several years ago I printed this out and taped to my
computer monitor at work. I keep it there to remind me of these truths.
He’s fighting the good fight in a dark place. His physical
safety is in question. His emotional well being is under daily attack. Things at
work for him are dark & foreboding.
It has been 4 years since we set off, as a group, to rally
around something greater in our lives: greater impact, greater responsibility,
greater “things”. I don’t mean a bigger TV, or a newer car. I mean Kingdom Impact.
We got crushed. Hammered. Separated & picked off. And we thought for a
while the tide had turned.
He thought God was calling him out of the dark place, and
then it all fell apart suddenly, a surprise despite all signals go. Everyone
was thunderstruck: him, his wife, the men in our group. I was sad, angry, and
confused. I wanted to know why. As I grieved for my friend, not knowing why, I
couldn’t escape the feeling that God’s protection or His plan, invisible to us
all, was involved. Over a month later, there’s no smoking gun, no scandal, no
clear word from God on what happened—we still don’t have any inkling of “why”.
So he prepared to return to the dark place. Counseling,
wisdom & support from us (more support than wisdom, I’m sure, but sometimes
the blind squirrel finds a nut), and perseverance drive him on. He works in
service to God, based on the gifts He has given.
This is the stuff that makes men heroes. It isn’t a big
naval battle, or a speech at the United Nations, or closing the $5 million deal
at work. This is a man, holding his Heavenly Father’s hand, going back into the
war zone every day, doing his best for his God and the people God has called
him to serve. His courage, perseverance, and effort inspire me, and I am
honored to call him my friend.
What have you done lately worthy of such praise? What are you waiting for?
Sometimes, in the confusion & pain that is my story, I
lose sight of everything but myself. I revert to my childish, selfish, toddler
nature, where others are there to meet my needs. And whoa, if they don’t, then
they’re to blame: for my unhappiness, for what is missing in my life, for what
is there but I *wish* were missing in my life.
I recently watched a man tell *another* man his story. To be clear, "Mark" told "Jim" what happened in "Jim's" life, what he did/didn't get, etc.. "Mark", the
“teller” got the whole thing wrong. Entirely. He couldn’t have been more wrong
if he sat down, did research, & planned it out.
In most circles of men, this firebombs a relationship:
neighbors stop talking, churches splinter, families are broken. In a circle of
initiated men, we are privy to something that seems abstract, yet is essential:
it’s not about me.
In a circle of initiated men, the “teller” above is called
out—not to punish, shame, or put down. Think of it as calling “shenanigans”. It
is the teller’s opportunity to learn something—and the other men have the
opportunity to learn something about themselves: do I tell other people their
story?
In writing this, I realized I tell others their story.
People close to me. Ouch: that’s not who I want to be.
Who knows your story? Who really knows you?
If someone telling you your story would set you off, and you
are intrigued by what I described above, check out The Crucible Weekend. It’s
run by The Crucible Project. They do a great job teaching what authentic Biblical
community is, what it isn’t, and how to practice it.
You’ll have the
opportunity to learn it isn’t really all about you.
And you’ll also have the
opportunity to be surprised when some things are about you—even when you
thought they weren’t.
The Crucible Project weekend retreats are not a "cult of personality". Greg Huston is no Kim Jong-il. I don't have pictures of him in my wallet, or in my home. We don't have pictures of him on the weekends. He doesn't run around on weekends or staff meetings with people hanging on his every word. He's not a megalomaniac feared by everyone. People don't run around saying things like, "Greg said this" or "We can't do anything without Greg", or "*I* got to spend some time meeting with Greg today".
The reality is much different. First a disclaimer: I'm not a close confidante of Greg. I know him, & he knows me, but I haven't been in a small group with him, I'm not on the Board of Directors for The Crucible Project, etc. So I'm not speaking with authority or inside knowledge of who he is at his core.
What I can say is that in my interactions with him, he's a humble, smart, wise, honest, hard-working guy who cares very much for the hearts of Christian men. He isn't at every retreat, and the focus when he is there is not on him at all. As I said in my post yesterday, staff are very focused on listening to the Holy Spirit & getting guidance there. Greg isn't hands-off: he has ideas on how he'd like things done, and a lot of experience to back up those ideas. He knows this work isn't about him: it's about men, community, the healing power of God & the whispers of the Holy Spirit.
That doesn't sound like a cult to me. Because it isn't.
I’ve heard the question raised, “Is The Crucible Project a
cult?”
I think this is a common question for men to ask. After all,
the site is not awash with details regarding what goes on during the weekend,
men are asked to keep confidential what happens, and there are things said on
the internet which can be disconcerting. This is a pretty broad topic, so I’ll
address in several posts.
Full disclosure: I’m not an expert on cults, and I’ve not
been offered any remuneration by TCP leadership to write this post.
Before I get into the definition of cults and how they
may/may not play out in TCP, I’d like to address the high level concerns listed
above about what goes on in the weekend, and the issue of confidential
information.
Crucible Project:
Cult or Conspiracy?
Nope
What happens on the weekend?
The site and alumni are pretty vague about what happens on the weekend. Why? More black helicopters? No.
Part of the weekend is an initiation, which is experiential
in nature. Even if I had the outline in hand before I went on the weekend, I would
miss the context, flow, and rhythm of the weekend. There are times in my life
when audible turn-by-turn guidance is what I want, and I can understand how
mystery about the weekend can increase a man’s desire for step-by-step
instructions. I’ve found introspection and adventure to be places where Tom-Tom
doesn’t know the route. I want to use the cheat codes for my life, but that
doesn’t help me learn what God has been trying to teach me. The best way for me
to experience the weekend is to actually experience the weekend.
Crucible Project: Safe
Confidential vs. Secrecy
Men who attend the weekend are asked to keep confidential
what they see and hear. Confidential has several definitions; in this case it
is about being entrusted with private affairs. Secrecy is something done
without the knowledge of others. Strong friendships are built around trust:
knowing each other well, including each other’s mistakes & failings. To
share these confidential mistakes & failings with others is at least
gossip, at worst betrayal.
Setting up the framework of “what happens here stays here”
is important. It enables an atmosphere of “no shenanigans” (or “no BS”) that is
as rare as it is essential. How many times this week did you suspect people
were not being entirely truthful with you? Were their motivations or objectives
secret (vs. confidential)? Do you trust them? Part of setting up an environment
without these “shenanigans” is ensuring confidentiality: being entrusted with private affairs.
Can men talk at all about the weekend?
What did you
get on your
weekend?
Yes, they can. In fact, men are encouraged to share with
others what they “got” on the weekend. The irony: some men are very interested
in the step-by-step, when what is really important is the learning, insight,
revelation (e.g. “I got it!”) that happens along the way. Talking about what I uncovered about myself is risky,
because it can be messy or involve a level of trust I don’t have with everyone.
It is also authentic.
On my TCP weekend, I did some powerful grief work. My Dad
died when I was 12. I loved him very much. I wasn’t quite to the age when boys
pull away from their Dads & start carving out their own identity, so our
relationship had very little conflict. Among the things I “got” on my weekend: a renewed
appreciation for my kids, a heartfelt love for them, and a drive to experience
more joy with them. There are more things I “got”, things more confidential
than a blog post anyone can read. And if you ask the guys who were there, you’ll
get a knowing look that comes from shared experience, and how that touched
their lives. And because they understand “confidential”, you won’t get the
details of what else happened that weekend. That's not because of a conspiracy, or a cult. It is because those are shared experiences are private.
I had dinner recently with a wise, dear friend. He works
with youth & offered me an assessment I had not heard before. Netted out,
his hypothesis is that as the father in a family goes, so goes the rest of the
home. If the father is away all the time, angry often, doesn’t love his wife,
and/or doesn’t treat his wife well in front of his children, well, then there’s
trouble. Kids grow up with things wrong
in critical areas.
I thought quite a bit about what he said, and which of those
apply most to me. It was a humbling period of self-reflection.
I know I don’t have the strength, wisdom, persistence, and
myriad other things I need to raise good kids. The only chance I’ve got is to
lean into my faith, to get these things from God. For me, this starts with
prayer. Yet for most of my life, prayer was something I did half-heartedly.
Sure, I did it before meals, and foxhole prayers when life got scary.
Gradually, I did it in the mornings occasionally, or just before falling asleep
at night. But it wasn’t a focus, a priority, a value.
There were two big things that changed my approach to
prayer, making it essential. I was scared straight.
The first was a culmination, an awakening of sorts. After
our first child was born, I found myself besieged right before I fell asleep
with potent fear of horrific things happening to my son. This went on for some
time and one day I read the story of Martin Luther being awakened by the Devil
in the middle of the night. Luther, realizing who it was, replied, “Oh, it’s
only you” and went back to sleep. I was reading one of John Eldredge’s books,
learning about spiritual warfare and the value of prayer. I tried praying
against those fears at night, exposing them for what they were, and you know
what? It worked!
The power of prayer really came home for me a year or so
later. To make a long story short, I felt like evil had its hooks in me, and it
rattled me to my core. I got past my reluctance to as for help, asking my wife
& friends to pray for me. I prayed for days, deeply disturbed in my soul,
asking God for wisdom & perspective. What I realized in the midst of this
was I had too few verses of scripture in memory. Put another way, I knew of
the armor of God, but had no idea what it was, how to put it on, what it was
about. I did not want to be caught so unprepared again.
So I began praying Eldredge’s daily
prayer. It seems long & involved. And it is; check out the references
to scripture. And I’ve realized that it is an insurance policy, a shield in the
daily spiritual warfare that surrounds us all. I know on the days when I don’t
make the time for prayer in the morning that I should expect things to go
haywire. Prayer in the morning isn’t a cure-all, a guarantee of smooth sailing.
It does ground me, help me get closer to God, and practice covering my family
and myself in prayer. And it provides me with a touchpoint with God, a place to
evaluate how things are going in my walk with Him.
Are you walking with God daily? Are you in a community of
men who can tell you of the good they see in you—and challenge you to live the
life God intended for you? Are they lifting you up in prayer, and challenging
you to do the same for them, yourself, and your house?
The men's group I'm in met the other day, and one of the big
topics was work. It's fair to say that this theme was the predominant theme,
and that there was a lot to unpack amongst 4 men. My example today will be from
my own “work” on the house. The same process applies to “work” in earning a
living.
Things we do are different from many men's groups.
What we don't do
I've met with guys who fast when another man 'breaks his vow of purity'. We
don't do that.
I've met with men who spend their time serving the poor. Noble, but we don't do
that--as a focus.
I've met with guys who sit around, drink, and smoke cigars. While we do get
together socially, help each other fix our cars & houses, etc. that is not
our focus.
What *do* we do?
It seems simple since we don't do the three things above that many men do when
they gather. Sure, part of it is that we meet from 8-11 am on Saturdays.
There are several things we do:
1) Pray
We open every meeting in prayer, inviting
the Holy Spirit to guide us in our time.
2) Minimize the "story".
I want to be a great storyteller. I don't match the level of detail with my
audience's appetite. Just ask my boss. Or a former boss. I love a good story,
and context matters to me. Ask anyone who is a Myers-Briggs
"P". And the story is not the issue. We don't camp out on the
infinitesimal detail before & after some "event". We could camp
out here for days & not get anywhere. So we move away from this quickly;
2-3 sentences will do.
3) Identify the emotions involved
Emotions? Feelings?
Jokes aside, this is relevant stuff.
Why are you fired up about work? What do you feel,
besides anger? For many men, including me, anger is the "idiot light"
on the dashboard telling me something is going on inside. Usually, when I pause
to look underneath, it's not anger driving things.
Think about it. When was the last time you asked yourself what you felt -- and
actually figured out the answer? If I'm hung up in my men's group, I can ask
for help. We'll figure out what emotions are swirling about in my head. Because
these guys *know me*, they can ask questions, speak truth, and help me see into
my heart. And that is where the action is. Really.
4) Look back, re-evaluate the situation, and take action
Most often, I'm hung up about two outcomes, and I'm *convinced*
the will both happen. Most often one of them is happening, and I
expect the other will happen. The other things I expect will happen,
along with the emotions there, are usually rooted in the past. In my life,
those rules or stories were true and/or served me a long time ago. And often
they no longer serve me and are no longer true. What if I saw these things in a
new light & re-evaluated them?
An example
My Dad was pretty handy. He fixed everything that broke in
our house, without a bunch of drama or fanfare. We weren't rich, so fixing
things saved money that was in short supply in the first place. I'm handy too,
but I was 12 when he died, and there's a lot he never got the chance to teach
me. Part of me believes that 1) I can't afford professional help around the
house/cars, and 2) real men don't need help there.
My wife has waited, mostly with great patience, for *years*
to take a bath again in our master bathroom. She likes baths, and our other full
bathroom borders the twins' room, so running water late at night wakes them up.
And tip-toeing through toothpaste & a bathroom used by two boys is not a spa experience. Grad School, a new job, and the intricacies
of working with silicone caulk aside, it is still not bath-ready.
I don't know how and am afraid to do the work. It could look
like crap & be a huge failure. On the other hand, my wife loves baths, and
currently the caulk in that bathroom *is* a huge failure, b/c I've removed it
but not replaced it!
Only one of these outcomes is true. The other I *believe* will come true. So
I'm stuck. Do I take the risk that I'll screw it up, or acknowledge that it is
already screwed up, b/c it doesn't work? I'm screwed either way… I could blow
it.
What if people hung with me either way? That's revolutionary. What if they
spotted my issues, b/c they knew me & I tell them, and they help me figure
out which is true, and which *might* be true? What if they challenge me to step
out of my contort zone?
Take Heart...And Action!
Whether the issue is work, caulking my bathtub, or somewhere
in between, I have a group of men who know me, challenge me to the best I can
be, and call "shenanigans" on my "stuff". Working through
these things helps us be the men God created us to be, frees us to do the work
we need to do in our families, communities, churches, and jobs.
If you are not part of a group of men like this, take heart. There are men out there
where this is why we gather: to help each other work through our junk, support
us while we do it, and challenge us to take action.
Why not get out there & find a
place to teach you these things? The Crucible Project
offers an initial weekend that does it. If you're not a Christian, but this
idea resonates with you, the Mankind Project
sponsors a similar weekend. I've done them both, and am partial to TCP because
I believe in the transformational power of Jesus & the Holy Sprit.
On Saturday, Feb. 2, I attended the No Regrets simulcast at my church. Having prayed for the men of our community and the conference overall, I wondered as I arrived in the morning if this would be a "typical" men's breakfast/conference.
A good friend of mine says that Satan pours the syrup at men's breakfasts, and I think he's right. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeding guys--in many cases the food is key to bringing & keeping them there. What my friend means is men go to these breakfast events, nod their heads & maybe take some notes…and leave. Maybe there's some small talk, maybe even a resolution to make a change or two. But these are the exceptions.
As the keynote started, I realize it would not be Satan pouring the syrup. It was an exceptional day on many levels, especially the teaching. Kenny Luck's morning keynote, imploring men to fight & rise, was inspiring. I also loved the challenges, style, & substance of James MacDonald's talk, "Act Like Men".
We were fortunate enough to have some great speakers for local breakout sessions. Among these was John Casey, who came to speak about healing. Though healing doesn't seem like a natural progression from Luck & MacDonald, it was for the men in the room. Casey asked who needed healing, and around what, spoke powerfully about the need for healing, echoing Luck's comments from the keynote. He spoke of men's isolation, and our wounds, and how these wounds, unaddressed, continue to resurface in our lives. He shared openly about some of his biggest mistakes, tracing them back to his wounds. This introspection & risk-taking, this authenticity, is something men see little of--and do even less than they see.
At one point, Casey asked the men in the breakout to take the risk he modeled, to announce one of their failures. Several men offered up relational failures, taking risk to share where they blew it. Getting guys this far is outside the norm, an achievement, an opportunity. Then a man sitting in the corner, in the back, shared his failure to trust his instincts when something didn't seem right. He later learned he should have trusted his instincts, not a person he thought he could trust. The cost was terrible & tragic. This man shared from his heart, taking a huge risk. You could have heard a pin drop. In fact, if you'd looked around, you would have seen tears drop, as men were broken by this man's story, grieving for him & those impacted by his failure.
This man took a big risk, sharing a big truth. I've heard Greg Huston say, "Little truth, little grace. Big truth, big grace". I believe he's right, and the men in that room watched this man receive grace from other men, many strangers. The man who shared said he'd received big grace from God, and I believe him. I get goosebumps thinking about my front row seat that day, watching men risk, share, & support each other, feeling the Holy Spirit's finger prints on the session.
That is why I staff men's weekends, take 3-4 hours on alternate Saturdays to meet with my men's group. There we help carry each other's burdens, point out what we see that the man with an issue cannot see, challenge each other to do our best for God's will in our lives, and support each other when we fail. These men are my insurance policy, my challenge, and my bellwether as I seek to live a life with No Regrets.
It has been a long, long time since I've blogged here. Originally stood up for a Grad School class on Internet Marketing (great class, by the way), I'm re-focusing on a passion of mine: Men's "work" in the Christian church.
I'll wrestle with and address issues like:
is the Holy Spirit involved in Men's work, or is it just psychobabble?
is Men's work aligned with the Bible?
concerns/criticisms of The Crucible Project: valid or not?
