The Crucible Project: Is My Faith Safe?

It's time for part two in my look at The Crucible Weekend & safety: Is my faith safe?

There are a handful of basic reasons that my Christian faith is safe on The Crucible Weekend.

• First of all, this is a weekend for Christian men, so there's no threat from other religious beliefs.
• Within the larger Christian community, there are many different demoninations. However, the point of the weekend is not to move men from one Christian denomination to another. There is no denominational affiliation here.
• You won't find detailed doctrinal positions, because the differences aren't the point. And the point isn't the intricacies of a particular staffer's beliefs or practices. I've not been a part of any discussions on the Vatican 2, predestination, or other such topics. I don't mean to make light of significant topics of faith; they're just not the priority. 
• The big things are covered here. I think there is a lot of common ground, a lot of room to work and learn and grow from here. Frankly, it is a relief to work in the common areas, rather than expend energy debating (arguing?) about our differences. 

So that addresses whether a particular tenet or belief is "pushed" in the weekend (clearly not). In my mind, the next question is whether or not someone will directly challenge what I believe.

I'm walking a fine line here: I don't want to steal the experience from anyone, and at the same time I want to address the issue, so I'll speak from my own experience. I have not needed to explain or defend or describe my position on any issue of faith. The weekend isn't a seminar on evangelism or apologetics. Those are fine things, don't get me wrong--just not the focus on The Crucible Weekend.

There have been times, in circles of men, when my faith has been challenged. I don't mean assaulted or attacked; more like brought out for me to see, to reconcile.

Some are questions around how I'm *living* my faith, basic spiritual disciplines. For example, there have been times where I was afraid about important things like my job/career, health issues in my immediate family, etc. During these times, men have called me out, asking difficult questions about how I'm dealing with what is going on. They've asked about if/how I'm taking these issues to God in my prayer time. They've asked if I'm regularly reading the Bible, and what I've learned there, and how it applies to my circumstance. They've asked, among other things, if I'm trusting God or my own strength.

I've also been asked more difficult, complex questions. These help me see, in bold relief, my choices & their results. I tend to go off & try to figure things out on my own, so men have challenged me around community: with God, other men, other people. I remember the men who have asked me, rhetorically, how well "doing life on my own" is working for me. Other men have asked me things like, "How do you see your choices playing out as your kids grow up". They get me back to the impact of my spiritual example to others, and how my example is in line with the Bible and my faith.

There are some questions about me & my faith which are high risk & high reward. These questions are pointed, about the nature of God & application of scripture. I have gone through seasons where I have been pushed me right to the breaking point, asking things like: What is God trying to do? Why has God forsaken/opted to punish me? How do I move ahead from here? Biblically grounded men have been able to help me identify my assumptions about God's nature, confront them with scripture as appropriate, and re-frame my situation based on the authority of God's word. Being part of a small group of such men provides me with the opportunity to have them walk with me through life as I implement the changes in my life.

In summary, my faith is safe from attack when I'm on The Crucible Weekend, and when I'm in the presence of Crucible Project alumni. What is challenged instead: my complacency, assumptions, habits, and excuses. And I'm okay with that.

Is The Crucible Project Safe?

We may not be doing road work,
but safety is key.

Some of the questions men ask about men's work, and The Crucible Project revolve around safety. Safety is a broad word, dealing with several different areas:

• Am I physically safe?
• Is my faith safe?
• Is the weekend spiritually/theologically safe?
• Will I be emotionally safe?

I'll look at each of these in the coming posts. I'll start today with physical safety.

Physical Safety
Men don't like to talk about getting hurt, because we're taught to play through the pain. One of my favorite phrases is, "Suck it up, Buttercup!". And as we get older, we start to consider the consequences of getting hurt. I know I do. So I don't think this is an unreasonable question for men to ask.

I know guys who have attended the weekend with all manner of health conditions from weak backs to screws & plates in their bones to heart issues. The standard is all men on the weekend, staff included, take responsibility for themselves and inform the staff so we can partner in *everyone's* safety. I've seen guys on the weekend aging from their early 20s to early 70s go through the weekend having been challenged, but not hurt. This isn't the NFL, people.

Parts of the weekend are physical in nature, and they can be challenging. That's the idea: challenging. Guys who are interested in growth and change know that it won't be easy (even if they hope it will be), and sometimes change involves physical effort. 

There's an important piece here about the approach taken by staff. When I staff, I follow leaders who have staffed and/or led many weekends. As I blogged here, they take the mantle of leadership as a solemn responsibility to God, the staff, and the participants, per James 3:1 "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly."

These and other things make it safe
to do men's work.

The approach we staff take is in line with 1 Cor 16:13-14 "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love." It takes discipline, courage, & brotherly love to give a man the room do his work. There is a fine line between letting a man do his work and giving him (what I think is) the answer. Often times men want to fix things for people or give advice. Advice & fixing things are not on the schedule: this isn't a therapy group. 

It's not hazing, either. I've been through a weekend and have staffed twice, and I've never seen anyone on staff treat a participant with disrespect, mockery, much less derision. There are none of the hallmark fraternity hazing rituals: carrying bricks, memorizing some complex phrase, heckling, demeaning them. I have seen none of this when I've staffed. I can't say such a thing has never happened, as I haven't been on all the weekends. What I can say is such conduct would be wholly inconsistent with what I've seen with my own eyes and based on the weekend preparation of which I've been a part. I've blogged here & here on different aspects of leadership on the weekend.

The Crucible Project: Show Me or Show Up

In another recent blog, Seth Godin talks about The Show Me State. Neither he nor I mean Missouri; I

Missouri is the "Show Me" state, but
that's beside the point.

consider this frame of mind the bane of men's work: apathy. I've invited men to the weekend, and several times I've heard variations of "show me what it is or what I'll get before I commit to going". This, as Godin aptly notes, is preface to "now that I know what it is about, I don't need to commit".

So much of life is really a mystery, yet we're told we're better off driving out mystery, sanitizing things, extracting the essence of experiences and putting them in hermetically sealed bullet points. I fall prey to this approach.

Last weekend my wife & I went out to celebrate our anniversary. She really wanted to see Gravity, and I was fortunate enough to hear little of it before we went. I saw only the title of one review, which basically said in its title to ignore the review & go see the movie--which I did. I loved the movie; it was even better that I knew so little about the plot and nothing of how it ended. I was better off *not* knowing the details, so I could have the experience of being present during the movie.

I think this quest to stamp out the unknown, mystery, & surprise is based on fear. What if I *don't* know how this will go? What if I am the only one who doesn't know the answer? Men's work is inherently both: we don't know how it will go, and we often don't know the answer. After all, if I knew why, I'd start to heal & make new choices. Men's work, especially my own, scares the crap right out of me. I don't know how it'll turn out, how well I'll "do" my job, what I'll "get", how I'll feel, or what to do next. And leaving this long list of crazy-making questions somewhere else is often the best thing for me.

I know I can trust the men there: they've proven to me they're trustworthy, despite their imperfections. The men there are doing their best, and will make mistakes & fail sometimes, and do their best again to make things right. Perfection isn't required. Prayer, reliance upon God, empathy, skill, dedication, and honesty are overstocked on the weekend. These things are more than enough, and show up every weekend.

It's a good thing that God didn't display apathy at our sinful condition, or that Jesus didn't decide that he didn't need to commit. By comparison, it seems a small matter for men to set apathy aside for a weekend and commit to being present in their own lives. Doing those things has made a profound difference in my life, changing the trajectory of my life to be more in line with God's will. I'd love to see where it will go; part of the joy is being present while it unfolds.

The Crucible Weekend: Modeling Male Community & Same-Sex Friendships

I've been thinking a lot about community lately. I've spend a lot of time with a good friend, each of us bartering our time to help each other work on our houses and cars. Money is tight, the jobs are much easier with two men, and we each agree it is easier for us to work on someone else's house/car than our own. So we labor away in our free time, breaking bread together, solving problems, working late, sharing each other's burdens.

We talk while we're working: about our struggles, failings, fears, successes, jokes--the whole gamut. And this is how things are supposed to be: guys, and their families, doing life together. My kids greet the guys in my mens' group by their first names because they see them regularly. They're learning that different men act differently, and that is a good thing.

Last weekend, a bunch of men I know staffed The Crucible Weekend for men who live in urban communities. The men who participated in the weekend live very different lives than I do: vocation, background, where they live, what their city/village/community looks like. And yet we have similar goals, a similar calling, in terms of Community. As I've blogged before, differences of socioeconomic, culture, race, location, vocation, etc. are much less important when we have a common faith in Christ. This faith in Christ provides a bridge over these other differences.

As I've blogged before, we've started Men's Ministry at my church. The men I met want to learn God's word; some are even hungry for it. I also heard men say they are looking forward to the community aspect of our meetings: from simply recognizing & knowing other guys at church on Sunday, to building friendships, to challenging & encouraging each other, to knowing each other--and being known by others.

The Crucible Project teaches how to do authentic male community, and how to do it well. If posts like these cause a stirring in your soul, why not fill out TCP's Contact Us form, or comment here, or reach out to me directly?

Boys, Men, and the Christian Church

I just stumbled upon a great couple of blog posts about boys by Tim Wright. In one, he talks about The High Cost of Bored Boys.

The thing that really got my attention, that struck a nerve, is his first post, asking Does Anyone Care Anymore About Boys?

Ahh, the beach!

I have been blessed with two sons, and the thing that grabbed my attention was how in 2009, the White House announced the formation of The President's Council on Women and Girls. Why no mention of a similar council for boys & men, you ask? I think it is part of  a larger drift among men. I see recurring examples of men who are not motivated, engaged, or "stepping up" in their lives. The women are organized, and the men are...where? Afterall, boys can't raise themselves, at least not well. Just look at the stats in Wright's blog.

In my opinion, the most direct path to turning this around is to raise up men. That's why I blog, serve in Men's Ministry in my church, meet with men, & staff weekend retreats with The Crucible Project.

There's another great group, Project 5130, which "raises up" boys on an experiential weekend. In fact, the group's founders are alumni of The Crucible Project.

I am delighted at others' efforts to start & continue a conversation about raising boys. Men, myself included, need all the help they can get. And if we don't get men & boys engaged in the world, and their faith, what will be left of the Christian church?

The Christian Church, a Gender Gap, and Missing Men

David Murrow did it again. He has written another insightful, pointed post about the Christian church and the gender gap.

I would argue that the grand narrative arc of the New Testament does NOT emphasize feminine themes; rather this arc has become perceived as feminine.

• Yes, Jesus fought an abusive, legalistic religious landscape. That alone sounds more like a man than a woman--except when I consider this is how media represent women today. To prove my point, how many leading ladies in action films are shown as tough, vs. vulnerable, nurturing Sunday school teachers? 
• Jesus asks fishermen to walk away from their livelihood and follow him, and they do. Popular culture is replete with examples of men who drop what they're doing to pursue a beautiful woman.
• Jesus has a group of men who are his close friends, his ministry, his traveling companions. I think this is the example most adopted by women, most abandoned by men in our culture today. When I ask men if they're interested in men's groups or a Bible study, etc. they look at me like I'm speaking Klingon.

We've taken rugged individualism and made it our false idol. Jesus "did life" in the company of other men, ministering to communities as a whole. He broke bread with these guys, they disagreed & worked it out.

I don't think women grabbed the reins of the church from men; I believe, like John Eldredge, that most men are "asleep" when it comes to the big issues in life (and no, the big issues don't include fantasy football). With nobody at the wheel, so to speak, women stepped in.

It's like a company whose lead product has drifted from one market segment to another. They're in a tough spot, b/c the money & decisions are made by the new segment (women), and the original segment (men) is out of the picture, with little brand "engagement". Under attack from exterior forces (other religions, apathy, "must see TV", etc..), how does this firm re-engage its original target?

That is the big question: how to get men involved again in church. James MacDonald at Harvest has had a lot of success in this arena; I like David Murrow's ideas. The Crucible Project is getting it done.

Any other ideas? What are you doing to get men engaged in church...and life?

The Crucible Weekend: A Closer Inspection

I've had a dose of the reality lately, regarding the frailties of humanity: people close to me impacted by death, hurt, broken community, fear.

Taking a look at Character &
The Crucible Weekend

I'm encouraged by the character of men I know:

A man who helps me clean up after working (together) on his wife's car. This isn't about a pristine garage: all tools are potential weapons or instruments of destruction if left unsupervised & in arm's reach of my kids. :) It is after 11pm, he has a 30 minute drive home, and he has to leave early in the morning for work. It would be easy for him to ask me to leave w/o helping in cleanup, and I'd support him if he did. He stays to help wrap up, b/c it is the right thing to do.

A man shares a prayer he wrote years ago, as he looked back with grief on his (human) failings as a Dad. I'm not the first one to raise my hand & thank him: for both the gift of his prayer and the gift of his humility & willingness to take the risk to share. I add it to my daily prayer.

A man I know & respect very much mentions The Crucible Project as something that transforms his life, and one of his friends takes a leap of faith & signs up for The Crucible Weekend. Within a week, my friend finds himself, his wife, and children threatened by a major crisis. He writes and speaks of God, tells tales of His provision, and boldly asks for prayers for his family.

Sure, if you look hard enough, you'll find stories of courage out there. The concentration of stories like these in The Crucible Project alumni is no accident. Come join us and live a life worth imitating--and telling others about.

The Red Lantern

I've been thinking a lot about school & community lately, as all three of my kids are now in school. Fall baseball has started, and there are wide variations in skill on my eldest son's team. How they treat each other on & around the baseball field, as well as in school is on my mind & heart when I'm at the games, and particularly at bedtime when we talk about the day, one-on-one.

Seth Godin blogs about The Red Lantern, a celebration of courage & determination in the Iditarod (and also the Tour de France, by the way). In particular, this is a celebration of people who are so far behind in a race they'll never win, yet they don't quit.

Why not celebrate people who
push through their own limitations?

Everyone wants to be a winner; it is painful & often very public to show up in last place. My kids won't always win at things they do, and I love the idea of celebrating them for not quitting when *everything* tells them to: the scoreboard, the crowd, their bodies, their flagging determination.

This spirit runs through men's work: the idea that we celebrate a man's victories without comparison to the scoreboard [read: paycheck, house, car, title, family success, how attractive his wife is, etc.]. In fact, men's work, when done right, provides an environment where men can set & achieve goals of real substance & merit: go after things which scare them to death; important, weighty issues with a ripple effect extending well beyond themselves. Men have challenges to face, they can get support and accountability, and they can break through their own barriers, limitations, addictions, distractions.

God won't evaluate me based on how well I perform relative to the rest of the human race. He'll evaluate how well I did based on what He gave me to do in the light of His holy expectations. That is a tall order. I'm grateful for grace, and a community of men who help me do my best to stay in the race, even when I'm way, way behind the leaders.

If you're way behind in any (or many!) of the races in your life, don't quit. Prayerfully consider attending one of The Crucible Weekend retreats. The "Red Lantern" can be simple & powerful: "Well done, good & faithful servant."

Sept. 20-22   Houston, TX
Sept. 27-29   St. Charles, IL (for men who live in the city)
Oct.   25-27   Lake Brownwood, TX
Nov.   1-3      Williams Bay, WI

Men's Ministry & The Great Commission

This past Friday morning during my prayer time, I found myself coming back to the word commission. It isn't a word I use often, and I felt God put it on my heart. In my experience, when that happens, God has to make it *really* obvious, b/c I'm not the quickest to pick those things up. The context at the time was my prayer around the simultaneous Crucible Project weekend retreats in Wisconsin & Australia, that these men would be commissioned by God by the end of the weekend (which is this afternoon).

The next morning, I participated in a meeting at church. It was really the first of its kind in the history of our church, with the goal of reaching men, getting men more involved. Our pastor read from Jesus' Great Commission as he opened in prayer. It was more than a coincidence: it was over 2 years worth of answered prayer.

There are stirrings of Men's Ministry at my church: men who are stepping up, plans being made, meetings scheduled, etc. We're a diverse group, with different ideas, gifts, & backgrounds. We have a passion for engaging men; we don't aspire to men's breakfasts where the most significant thing is Satan pouring the syrup.

This is truly exciting for our community. As my boys grow, I'd love for them to see men fully alive, mobilized, leading, growing in our community. Yesterday, we made some of the first steps toward that.

Yay, God!

The Crucible Weekend Starts Tonight in Wisconsin & Australia

Today in nearby Wisconsin and halfway around the world in Australia, men are gathering, preparing, praying.

Some are staffing one of these two weekend retreats. Among them are rookie staffers, whose “work” is fresh in their hearts, and on their faces. At least one of them, a friend of mine, is staffing for the first time many years after he went through what is now The Crucible Weekend. There are mid-level staff, who are familiar with the setting & the flow of the weekend. And there, too, are senior staff, the leaders. These are the men who have staffed over and over, who have earned the wisdom they bring. There’s no “Easy-Bake Oven” for men’s work. Men who give up their weekends, hobbies, and no small amount of energy to run these things know there is no substitute for experience. Some of these leaders will assume a heavy mantle of leadership for the entire weekend. There are surprises, even for the senior staff. And that is okay, because, you see, they’ve been tested, over and over. And they rely upon God to show up & do his work through them and all the other men on the weekend. It is a weighty responsibility, and yet I’ve never heard a leader complain about it.

There are other men, too. In fact, nearly as many men as on staff will be attending the weekend, starting tonight. Some arrive broken, troubled on every side. Some arrive proud, convinced they have things all figured out. Some men are fighting with all they have to get there tonight, fighting through fear, trouble at home and/or work, physical issues, car trouble, foul spirits and the like. Some men are going because they hope God will show up. Some men are going, and they’re scared, some bordering on panic. Still others have seen men they know go on the weekend and emerge changed—for the better. These men don’t know how, or why, they just know they want what they saw in the actions & words of a man who had been through. Several years ago, I was one of these men.

It is rare in today’s society that words like honor, service, servant leadership, prayer, and Jesus are all used together. It is even rarer when men in the Christian church do *anything* together. How rare, precious, and inspiring it is when these two things come together on a weekend retreat!

Throughout the day today, and during the weekend, I’ll lift these men up in prayer. Godspeed to you all!

Death & Taxes

Here's another brilliant post by Seth Godin.

If you click the link, you can see a powerful infographic on where the Federal gov't. spends its money.

I'm not trying to start an, ahem, conversation here about budgetary priorities.

Instead, being able to see this data is quite powerful, so you can decide for yourself if the spending matches your understanding...and your values.

As an aside, see how long it takes you to find the biggest circle of spending, including what it is. I'm ashamed at how long and how many viewings it took me.

Are You Prepared?

"School" can start any time. Are you ready?

The other day a friend showed me a quote that I really like:

The reason that God can't use you more than He wants to may well be that you are not prepared.

What are you doing to prepare yourself to be used by God?

• Are you clear on your mission: why God put you here on Earth? 
• Are you hiding from the things that scare you, the things you do but don’t understand? 
• Are you alone in your foxhole, trying to fight your way through life on your own? 
• Do you look back on your youth and wonder how you got to be where you are today?

What would your life be like if you:

• Knew why God put you here—and were working to fulfill His work in you—and in your mission?
• Face the things that scare you and get support from others in understanding & beating those things
• Were part of a community of men, fighting through your fears, challenges, and opposition, in the service of a larger story—God’s redemptive story here on Earth?
• Looked to the future with a sense of wonder & excitement about where God will take you next?

The difference between these two extremes can be as simple as a weekend retreat. Check out the Testimonials on The Crucible Project website. Send me an email or post a question. Ask people to pray for you. Do whatever it takes so you can move from the first group of questions to the second, to a life of significance, meaning, and connection.

What’s keeping you?

Another Statistic

The other day I found out that there’s another divorce in my community. I’m sad for the broken home & scarred lives, as there are kid(s) involved.

My judgment is the husband wasn’t in a community of men who knew him (really knew him) and could challenge him about his choices. I know him, and I did not see this coming: I didn’t make efforts to know him well, or offer him a taste of authentic community.

I don’t know that it would have made a difference. And I *do* know I didn’t make the effort.

What would it be like if we knew each other, challenged each other, and helped each other with our burdens?

I think it is a touch of Heaven right here on Earth.

Fake, Or Don't Believe Everything You Read

I was inspired by another of Seth Godin’s blog posts, this one on fake.

Here are a few excerpts which struck me:

We can leave a trail of wreckage without much thought, especially if we're anonymous…

When we want to hide behind an alias…we do…

Worse, when we want to deceive or lash out, it's easy to do…relationships and even reputations are disposable. We don't have to look you in the eye, it's dark in here, and we're wearing a mask.

My name is on this blog. I thought about using a pseudonym, a nom de plume, and then thought better of it: I don’t plan to write anything that I don’t want next to my name.

I write about things I have experienced, things I have seen with my own eyes. I claim my re-telling of things as my own. I don’t write about things I haven’t been through as though I had been through them. I didn't come up with a clever blog title to impute more credibility.

My issue is how easy it is to lash out, to hide anonymously, lobbing grenades into someone’s life, ministry, or mission. Once the grenade has exploded, there is damage to repair, requiring a great deal of time & effort.  Time and effort spent to rebuild, even if the damage was based on a lie. Or a “partial truth”. It’s easy for someone to anonymously create the wreckage without any data, facts, or evidence. And too often people read something & assume it is true—because why would someone write it if it weren't true?

It is not easy to stand toe-to-toe, have the difficult conversation, identify the miscommunication & misunderstandings—admit when I’m wrong. I do it, though, because it is what men do. Or at least what men *should* do, rather than working hard to convince you that your trust is well-placed in their stories.

Godin ends his post by asking, “Do we really need to add another layer of fake?”

Preach on, brother, preach on.

Fear & Power

I got an email from a friend this morning. He’s a really good man, a guy who knows himself and the work he has yet to do *on* himself. He leads by example, serves others, and is working every day to be his best and make the world a better place.

Years ago he told me a powerful quote from Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Several years ago I printed this out and taped to my computer monitor at work. I keep it there to remind me of these truths.

Here it is as a reminder for all of us.

Troubled on Every Side

A dear friend of mine is “troubled on every side” (2 Corinthians 4:8-10).

He’s fighting the good fight in a dark place. His physical safety is in question. His emotional well being is under daily attack. Things at work for him are dark & foreboding.

It has been 4 years since we set off, as a group, to rally around something greater in our lives: greater impact, greater responsibility, greater “things”. I don’t mean a bigger TV, or a newer car. I mean Kingdom Impact. We got crushed. Hammered. Separated & picked off. And we thought for a while the tide had turned.

He thought God was calling him out of the dark place, and then it all fell apart suddenly, a surprise despite all signals go. Everyone was thunderstruck: him, his wife, the men in our group. I was sad, angry, and confused. I wanted to know why. As I grieved for my friend, not knowing why, I couldn’t escape the feeling that God’s protection or His plan, invisible to us all, was involved. Over a month later, there’s no smoking gun, no scandal, no clear word from God on what happened—we still don’t have any inkling of “why”.

So he prepared to return to the dark place. Counseling, wisdom & support from us (more support than wisdom, I’m sure, but sometimes the blind squirrel finds a nut), and perseverance drive him on. He works in service to God, based on the gifts He has given.

This is the stuff that makes men heroes. It isn’t a big naval battle, or a speech at the United Nations, or closing the $5 million deal at work. This is a man, holding his Heavenly Father’s hand, going back into the war zone every day, doing his best for his God and the people God has called him to serve. His courage, perseverance, and effort inspire me, and I am honored to call him my friend.

What have you done lately worthy of such praise? What are you waiting for?

Why I Blog About The Crucible Weekend

Yesterday, Seth Godin’s blog spoke to me. He said:

The goal in blogging/business/inspiring non-fiction is to share a truth, or at least a truth as the writer sees it. To not just share it, but to spread it and to cause change to happen.

I’ve spoken with men who are stuck; I’ve been there. Heck, in some parts of my life I *am* stuck.

I believe in a non-profit ministry that has a great way to get un-stuck: The Crucible Project. They run The Crucible Weekend, a powerful Christian weekend men’s retreat. They have helped me get things moving in my life when I’m stuck. And this works when I have a faith in Jesus, I take responsibility for my choices, and I’m part of a community of men who do the same thing.

I don’t write b/c I’m particularly gifted at it: it’s hard, time-consuming, and has mostly indirect impact (as far as I know). I write b/c men in the Christian church are bored, asleep, punched-out, etc. It is bad for our world, all the way down to our families and ourselves as men.

To be clear: I’m not fishing for pats on the back. Seth wrote something that sparked a fire in me.

Wouldn’t you like a fire of your own?

The Crucible Weekend: Endorsed in a Book!

About 5 weeks ago, I blogged about a post David Murrow made on his blog.

Since then, I’ve discovered that he’s written a new book, “What Your Husband Isn’t Telling You: A Guided Tour of a Man’s Body, Soul, and Spirit”. Based on the title, I was intrigued, and I finally got around to ordering it last week. I’ll be sure to blog about it once I get it & finish reading.

Things got really interesting when I found out from a friend that in his book, Murrow endorses The Crucible Weekend, put on by The Crucible Project. He relates the experience of a dear friend in a compelling way, demonstrating both the power of this men’s weekend retreat and his own skill as a writer.

Check it out for yourself on Amazon. Use the “Look Inside” feature & search for “The Crucible Project” and read for yourself.

The Crucible Weekend: Advice

Here is what I've learned about advice. Yes, you could say it is advice about advice.

Isn't this the truth, most of the time?

• Don't give it. If a man wants your advice, he'll ask for it.
• Don't give it in the form of "Here's what I do when I'm in that situation..." This is really a case of me trying to fix the man, or waiting for my turn to talk. Think about it.
• If it seems a man is looking for advice, I can ask him if that is the case.
• If he is willing, advice can be more powerful in the form of questions, instead of telling. Example: "What do you think would happen if you asked for what you want?"
• When a man trusts me, I may have permission to share with him the data of what I observe. If I'm able to do just that, without the drama & emotional vomiting most people bring, there is power in the purity & simplicity there.
• If a man doesn't trust me, if he doesn't see that I care for him & his life, well...we're both better off if I keep my mouth shut.

Education & Doing What We're Told

I’m a fan of Seth Godin. He recently re-posted about education, and I read his manifesto. Truth be told, it is a series of blog-like thoughts, wrapped around a series of themes. And I devoured it. I was intrigued, and disturbed.

This guy is doing what he was told.

I agree with his premise that our current educational system is designed around control, creating good workers—not good critical thinkers, entrepreneurs, etc.

Upon reflection, I realized that I bought into the line that if I did what I was told, everything would work out. I looked back at some painful, emotional situations and realized that part of what stirred me up was the premise I bought into, and that things weren’t all right. Moreover, if I followed some of these people, things would never be right.

And I thought about my kids, and what they’re learning from me. If I’m honest with myself, I’m teaching them more on obedience than respect, more on step-by-step process than critically evaluating authority, what they’re told, etc. 

And I’m evaluating critically what I believe regarding doing what I’m told & everything will be just fine.

Maybe you’re asking yourself those questions, too. Do you have a trusted inner circle of men who you can call when you’re down & need encouragement? 

If you don’t, or you wonder what that looks like, why not check out The Crucible Weekend. You’ll get support as you evaluate difficult situations, questions, and assumptions in your life. I did, and it made all the difference.

Are you waiting for someone to tell you to go on the weekend? ;)

The Crucible Weekend: I Statements

Use “I” statements.

Not "you" statements.

Last week, I overheard a man say:

You know, when you feel like this you want to do something?

Um, what? Is this you telling me what I do, or you telling me about you, but as if you’re me? What is this person trying to say? Really?

Keep it simple. Own the feelings: I’m angry when this happens, or I was shocked/afraid/delighted at xyz. I won't be offended, because you're talking about yourself, using I statements. It is clear & simple: other people don't need to translate/decode who you're *really* talking about.

Put differently: speak for yourself. Let other men speak for themselves.

The Crucible Weekend: Thinking vs. Feelings, or Story vs. Impact

Tonight's post is the next in a series on communication.

• Guys spend most of their time in their analytical brain. Unfortunately, it seems we socialize men that way, staring very young. Kids who are “sensitive” and show emotion are taught not to express their feelings—or worse, to deny them. This is good for business, but bad, in my opinion, for society at large. 

• Men can spend endless time on the backstory, the details, all sides of the argument, what they’ve tried, etc. And we get nowhere when we do this. We *do* get somewhere when we can identify what we feel, and a few sentences of context around that. THAT allows men (and women) to connect with us.

• Sad Angry Scared Happy Excited Tender Check them out. And you thought angry & sad were the only emotions....

• Asking follow up questions like why usually catapult a man back into his head. It seems like a good idea…until we learn that the very basics of backstory are enough to understand a man where he is. 

More on Courage

On the heels of yesterday’s blog about courage, I saw this image & had a reaction.

'Nuff said

What in my life am I willing to do in order that I may say on my deathbed that I lived well? I don’t mean owning fine things, I mean a life of impact, meaning, and value. I hope my efforts here, at home, in my church stir men to action, healing, and leadership in their homes, jobs, and communities. Impact such that these same men challenge & encourage me to do the same.

Shakespeare said "A coward dies a thousand deaths, but the valiant taste death but once." 

How do you want to be remembered?

Courage

USS Johnston DD557

I recently read "The Last Stand of the Tin Can Sailors". 

While the major forces of the American navy went after a diversion to the north, early on the morning of October 25, 1944 a powerful Japanese fleet surprised a much smaller American force protecting nascent American gains on Leyte.  

Knowing the carriers he was sworn to protect were in grave danger, Cmdr. Earnest Evans, captain of the USS Johnston, said:

A large Japanese fleet has been contacted. They are fifteen miles away and headed in our direction. They are believed to have four battleships, eight cruisers, and a number of destroyers. This will be a fight against overwhelming odds from which survival cannot be expected. We will do what damage we can.

What a powerful story of courage!

It is as inspiring to me as it is humbling: there are far smaller things I shirk from every day.

Communication: Curiosity & Active Listening

Lately I've been thinking about curiosity & active listening, and how important they are when we communicate.

Curiosity

• Asking open-ended questions, vs. questions with a yes/no answer.
• Seeking to understand the other person. My experiences are usually different from those of others, so it takes time, focus, and effort to understand where another person is coming from, what he means, etc.
• Using my eyes and ears when listening to someone share. I've actually seen someone say yes and shake their head no, unconsciously, in response to a question. Well, truth be told, someone else pointed it out to me. I noticed something, but didn't put it together until another, more observant man pointed it out.

Active Listening

• Is not just for women! Men respond to this, too. People respond positively if I'm showing them I'm paying attention--without hijacking the conversation.
• "What I heard you say was..." is a great way for a person to demonstrate this.
• Back to paying attention & curiosity (above), if you're really paying attention, you might find someone contradicting what s/he said earlier. In my men's group, we often call each other out on things like this.
• "You say regularly that quality family time is important, but you just told me you avoid conversations with your wife about the calendar. How will quality family time happen if you avoid scheduling it?" Busted! This is one of the countless blessings my family has received when I've been called out for things I say which contradict each other.

Are you genuinely curious about what your spouse is saying? Really?

What about community? Do you have a small group of people who *know* you, who listen well, care for you, and listen--really listen--to what you say? If the answer is no, why not? Groups of emotionally adept people are out there. Sure, it's risky & bumpy

What's in the way of taking the risk & make the effort to be a better listener to your friends, spouse, customers, & children?

The Crucible Weekend: Communication 101

Tonight's post is about communication, the first in a series.

If you think about it, this is true.

One thing that is hard for people, particularly men, to do is be present in the moment. I wake up, and over coffee, my to-do list takes off like it is attached to a rocket booster. It is hard to fight the G-force when the kids wake up and demand (and merit) my attention instead. It's hard to leave my agenda aside & listen & focus on what is going on in their worlds first thing in the morning. 

Here are a few tips I've compiled from men who have gone before me.

Don't

• Just wait for my turn to talk
• Go somewhere else in my mind: work, home, play--whatever is going on other than right there, right then.
• Think about how I can solve your problem

Do

• What the other person's body language for clues
• Listen to understand
• Work hard to connect with the other person: their feelings, their situation.

I find this works well, for both men & women. People really like to be heard, not told what to do like freshmen at football practice. When someone is busy telling me what I should do in my life, I find it hard to bite back invective, because that person usually hasn’t taken time to know me. Often, they're busy telling me my story--incorrectly.

Are you present, really present in your conversations with other people? What if you were as present as you could be—wouldn’t your relationships be different?

If this is intriguing or hard to grasp, take a step of faith, a risk, and check out The Crucible Project. These men know how to listen, how to be present in the moment. They're willing to listen, model, and teach you this, and many other skills. And you just might change your life.

Who knows? You might learn something meaningful about someone else. 

The Crucible Weekend: Fear & Treasure

I saw a post on Facebook the other day with a quote that I loved:

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. –Joseph Campbell

The cave you fear holds the treasure you seek. 

Now Campbell wasn’t a Christian (far from it), and I have not read anything he wrote, except the quote above.

However, his quote rings true, not just in my mind; in my heart as well. I know well the times God has whispered for me to take on a challenge, and I’ve dug in my heels, fighting/begging Him to not make me do that. I know I distract myself with “busy-ness” sometimes to keep from going to the deep dark places in my life.

I don’t naturally trust other people there: there’s too much risk. And I’ve learned, over time, how to be trustworthy & intentional when navigating deep, dark places—my own & those which belong to others.

It takes practice, encouragement, support, and the occasional dose of tough love. Men who have gone there with God can be His hands & feet, my brothers along the way.

I learned how to be transparent on The Crucible Weekend. I saw men who were emotionally adept, supportive without being sissies, strong but not bullies. They set the bar high & led by example. All of them led by example.

If you’re honest with yourself, you have at least one cave to which Campbell refers. You could spend your whole life running from that cave, swatting God’s hand away as He offers to walk with you in there, to heal & transform you.

Maybe you have children, or a wife. What example do you want to be for them/her? Do you want to avoid the work involved, deny it, ignore it? The people closest to you know. No matter how well you hide, they know whether you’ve taken the risk or not. You can tell an initiated man from all other men: there's a look in a man's eyes. No matter how many more times they have to go back to that cave (or other ones), they’ve at least done it once.

Don’t you owe it to yourself to have gone there, to show you’re man enough to go to a place that scares you to death? Think of how the rest of your life would look *after* facing the fear of that cave!

God is waiting to heal, grow, and teach you. There’s a group of men out there, The Crucible Project, and they’re ready to equip you for that adventure. You must do the work yourself; you do *not* have to do it alone. We have gear for trips like this; you don’t have to make your own torch out of a stick, tar, & cloth anymore.

Pull out your calendar & find a date that works for you. Sign up & take the first step in embracing the treasure in your life, not fearing and hiding from it.

Telling a Man His Story

Sometimes, in the confusion & pain that is my story, I lose sight of everything but myself. I revert to my childish, selfish, toddler nature, where others are there to meet my needs. And whoa, if they don’t, then they’re to blame: for my unhappiness, for what is missing in my life, for what is there but I *wish* were missing in my life.

I recently watched a man tell *another* man his story. To be clear, "Mark" told "Jim" what happened in "Jim's" life, what he did/didn't get, etc.. "Mark", the “teller” got the whole thing wrong. Entirely. He couldn’t have been more wrong if he sat down, did research, & planned it out.

In most circles of men, this firebombs a relationship: neighbors stop talking, churches splinter, families are broken. In a circle of initiated men, we are privy to something that seems abstract, yet is essential: it’s not about me.

In a circle of initiated men, the “teller” above is called out—not to punish, shame, or put down. Think of it as calling “shenanigans”. It is the teller’s opportunity to learn something—and the other men have the opportunity to learn something about themselves: do I tell other people their story?

In writing this, I realized I tell others their story. People close to me. Ouch: that’s not who I want to be.

Who knows your story? Who really knows you?

If someone telling you your story would set you off, and you are intrigued by what I described above, check out The Crucible Weekend. It’s run by The Crucible Project. They do a great job teaching what authentic Biblical community is, what it isn’t, and how to practice it. 

You’ll have the opportunity to learn it isn’t really all about you. 

And you’ll also have the opportunity to be surprised when some things are about you—even when you thought they weren’t.

How to Pray Like a Man

I was reading blogs the other day & found a gem written by David Murrow.

He wrote a brilliant blog entry about the "prayer-speak" we often find in churches. Worship leaders are especially vulnerable to this affliction. When I say often, here's *how* often: I described the title of the post to a friend, who proceeded to tell me 2 of Murrow's 3 points. Busted!

While I thoroughly enjoyed his insightful writing, the part which resonated most with me was his challenge to stop using "just" in front of verbs. He's right when he says it softens the verb that follows. I'm regularly the language police, and now I have a new rule to enforce on myself, to make sure I communicate with more purpose, focus, and authority.

Here's Murrow's post. 

What do you think? What is your opportunity to pray more like a man?

The Crucible Weekend: Staffing

I got an email yesterday from a man I know. He went to The Crucible Weekend years & years ago & was transformed. He still meets regularly with a couple of the guys from his weekend. Kids, job changes, a house, etc. have taken up much of his time.

A few months ago he asked me about staffing: how did I do it, did I think it had been too long since his weekend for him to do it, things like that. He found a weekend that worked with his family schedule, applied to staff, and is excited.

I'm excited for him: for the growth, the unexpected challenges, for the adventure of staffing for the first time. Scratch that: staffing is an adventure *every* time. I'm also excited about what it will mean for our group, our church, our community.

If you haven't experienced The Crucible Weekend, I recommend it. If you can't understand why a man would give up a whole weekend to go serve other men, many of whom he doesn't know, without getting paid, then why not pray about it?

What might God have in store for you?

Crucible Project Cult? Part 13 of 13: Risks of Group Participation

At long last, the final post of 13 addressing key cult behaviors relative the The Crucible Project and The Crucible Weekend.

13) They fail to adequately consider the "psychonoxious" or deleterious effects of group participation (or) adverse countertransference reactions.

Basically, this aspect of cult behavior revolves around leadership not considering the harmful effects of group participation. I debated the risk to my "Man Card" on this one and decided to opt for information over pride: I looked up countertransference. Countertransference is where an analyst/therapist is effectively "triggered" by something a patient says.

While I can see how this definitely applies to cults, I do not see evidence of this in The Crucible Project as a whole, and particularly not on The Crucible Weekend.

I'll start with countertransference. The Crucible Weekend is not a group therapy retreat. The specifics of the definition here don't apply. That's fine, what about the intent here: does leadership consider bad things happening to participants on the weekend? There are several key components of this:

1) Leadership and their role
As I've blogged before, leadership on The Crucible Weekend is servant leadership, where leaders hold

Bible & Prayer: Cornerstones for The Crucible Weekend

themselves to a high standard (God's) and invite staff to call them out and bring up concerns. When was the last time you saw this at your job, school board meeting, political rally, etc.? In addition to serving the staff, leaders are of course focused on the participants on the weekend. After all, there is no weekend without men who come. And there are no more weekends if men leave worse off than when they arrived.

In the same blog I wrote about the months-long preparation that goes into The Crucible Weekend. There is a lot of preparation, intention, and most importantly prayer involved here. Leadership sets the tone in any organization, and here men "walk the talk". Atypical in most organizations, I'd argue.

2) Money
This isn't a multi-level marketing scheme where leadership lines its pockets with alms from the poor, or presents a life-long curriculum [read: revenue stream]. There are no ancillary products (shirts, etc.) participants buy to increase revenue. Fees for the weekend are modest. I do not get paid as a staffer on the weekend: my reward for staffing is not monetary. There's very little to do with money.

3) Safety
Setting aside the specifics of countertransference, what happens if men get upset/triggered by something someone else says?  There are tools, time, prayer, and a collective will on the part of staff to address it.

What happens with men when something "hacks them off". When a man is "triggered" by something, there are a whole menu of options for dealing with & expressing what's going on inside:

• physical release like fighting, yelling, throwing things, breaking things, exercise, driving fast (mostly bad options I know)
• covering it up/checking out through drugs, alcohol, video games, or some other pursuit
• taking it out on the people around them, intentionally or unintentionally
• obsessing about it: it becomes the dominant theme of any & all conversations for some period of time

There are many more things men can do; I think this is an illustrative list. What is missing, on purpose, from this list:

• figuring out what the issue is (at the core)
• resolving the conflict
• addressing the issue

Flowers won't do the job

In my own men's group, and sometimes on The Crucible Weekend, sparks fly between men. After all, it takes iron to sharpen iron: flowers won't get the job done. And by sparks, I mean some level of conflict, not fist fights or mixed martial arts. The difference between this happening on the street or at work vs. on The Crucible Weekend is that there's a way to work through the conflict/trigger to separate the component parts, to figure out what the issue is & resolve the conflict.

Addressing the issue is really up to the individual. Here's an example.

Backstory
There's a guy I know who is having a lot of conflict and chaos at work. Management is behaving

Really, really stuck

inconsistently, there are favorite employees who can do no wrong (and ironically, they do little work while they're doing no wrong), communication problems everywhere, and gulf between what senior management can expense and what front line employees can purchase in the way of tools/training to do their job. Sound familiar/reasonable so far?

He's Stuck
So this guy I know can NOT stop talking about work. Ask his wife, small group, friends, kids, neighbors. Sometimes he successfully avoids the subject; sometimes someone asks and it all comes pouring out. He's stuck. He knows he's stuck, but doesn't know what to do with it. He sees himself snapping at his kids and wife, spending more & more free time in some alternate reality (video games, alcohol, the internet, etc.) trying to get away, a break, a respite.

Now What?
If this guy were in my men's group, we would work through a technique or two we learned on The Crucible Weekend to separate out the component parts of this swirling mess. He'd be able to get a sense of the issue(s) underneath it all. If the issue involved sparks flying with another man in our group, he could address & resolve the conflict. This is radical: most men I know burn the relationship or walk away when there is serious conflict.

The man could also ask for help in addressing the issue. He could ask to be held accountable, to be encouraged, etc. by the other men in the group as he goes about the business of addressing the issue. The other men in the group can't have difficult conversations with this guy's wife, parents, friends, etc. They can't *make* him find a good Christian counselor, handyman, mechanic, mentor, get a new job, etc.

I've been the guy above. So have many of the men I know.

If you've been "stuck", you know how hard it is to get "un-stuck". The truck driver above isn't going to get out of there by himself. And the truth is, God built us to be in community, not islands unto ourselves.

If a group of men can teach me how to get "un-stuck" because they believe the glory of God is a man fully alive, then certainly they've considered the risk of me being in a circle of men. And I'm living proof they have the tools to address whatever comes up when sparks fly.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 12 of 13: Time Pressure and Cures

We're almost there: 1 more post after this in the series of 13 behaviors of cults. Today:
12) They pay inadequate attention to decisions regarding time limitations. This may lead to increased pressure on some participants to unconsciously "fabricate" a cure.

There are three components here:

1. how time is handled
2. resulting pressure on participants
3. "fabricate a cure"

Don't apply on The Crucible Weekend

Time: Adequate Attention; Focused Intention
There is adequate attention to time limitations; there is also intention regarding time limitations. As I've blogged before, time on The Crucible Weekend is handled differently than most of our daily lives. First, the attention part. We know for sure the start time of the weekend; the finish time is a range. During the course of the weekend, staff know what time it is, and a range of time we *expect* things to take, based on experience. I've staffed a few times, and each piece may take more or less time than it did on a different weekend--and that is okay. The goal is men getting what they came for, not a metric like on time arrival. God has His own timeline, and I'm praying for & counting on Him to show up on the weekend.

Lots of this on The Crucible Weekend

Now for the intention part. The handling of time, and managing to an objective other than time, are by thoughtful, prayerful design. The schedule isn't published because the weekend is an experiential weekend, not a lecture or a train schedule. I mentioned variability above. This isn't a business meeting; exercises build on each other and the time required is the time required.


The weekend is managed by objective, not the clock: when men get what they need, the weekend moves on.

This is NOT The Crucible Weekend!

Pressure on Participants?
Because there is no published schedule, and because in many ways we're off the grid, there is *not* time pressure on participants. We're all away for the weekend, and the outside world will go on just fine for a few days. When was the last time you unplugged from your phone, email, calendar, to-do list? Jeez, it is cathartic to just write that sentence! With all of those distractions removed, it is much easier for me to be present in the moment, wherever I am. The weekend is designed to provide this freedom, and I argue there is no time pressure on participants.



Fabrication And The Cure

The Crucible Weekend Doesn't Peddle Cures

The intent isn't for participants to fabricate anything on the weekend. The standard is to get about the business of honesty & integrity, not making things up. Given the amount of prayer, preparation, & intention involved on the weekend, I have seen the fingerprints of the Holy Spirit in numerous ways--not the fabrications of men under time pressure.

As for the cure...  There is no language about "cure" on the TCP site. This isn't a therapy group, it isn't a bunch of guys running around telling other men how to fix their lives. I blogged earlier about the goals of the weekend, which you can read on the TCP site here. I certainly haven't seen anyone fabricate a "cure" like some medieval alchemist. I have seen and heard men talk about how the Great Physician showed up on the weekend in powerful and often unexpected ways. I have heard talk of healing, restoration, etc.--but not cure. That is okay, by design, and further proof that TCP isn't peddling snake oil.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 11 of 13: People Not Process

Today's exploration of cult behaviors:
11) They sometimes focus too much on structural self-awareness techniques and misplace the goal of democratic education; as a result participants may learn more about themselves and less about group process.

This aspect of cult behavior doesn't apply to TCP either, for several reasons.
First & foremost, TCP focuses *more* on democratic education than "structural self-awareness techniques".

• In my mind, focusing too much on "structural self-awareness techniques" means teaching & practicing behaviors over & over during the weekend. The weekend is an experiential weekend for participants, not a training course on how to run the weekend.
• I've blogged about how staff on the weekends are empowered to speak up, that leadership is treated as an honor & responsibility.
• Staff understand (and are taught) that what men "get" on the weekend is unique & personal. The process/schedule involved is the means to the end, not the end in itself.

The second part of this: participants learn more about themselves and less about group process.
Um, that's pretty much the point. My previous post went through the self-described goals of the weekend as published on the TCP site.

I think the intent here is about how true cults operate, in that participants in cults are kept isolated from understanding the group processes in which they participate. This just isn't so. Once men complete the weekend, any man can apply to staff.

In fact, by the end of the weekend, the rationale behind the flow of the weekend makes sense to participants. As I blogged before, what happens on the weekend is confidential, not a secret. There really is a difference.