The Crucible Weekend: Modeling Male Community & Same-Sex Friendships

I've been thinking a lot about community lately. I've spend a lot of time with a good friend, each of us bartering our time to help each other work on our houses and cars. Money is tight, the jobs are much easier with two men, and we each agree it is easier for us to work on someone else's house/car than our own. So we labor away in our free time, breaking bread together, solving problems, working late, sharing each other's burdens.

We talk while we're working: about our struggles, failings, fears, successes, jokes--the whole gamut. And this is how things are supposed to be: guys, and their families, doing life together. My kids greet the guys in my mens' group by their first names because they see them regularly. They're learning that different men act differently, and that is a good thing.

Last weekend, a bunch of men I know staffed The Crucible Weekend for men who live in urban communities. The men who participated in the weekend live very different lives than I do: vocation, background, where they live, what their city/village/community looks like. And yet we have similar goals, a similar calling, in terms of Community. As I've blogged before, differences of socioeconomic, culture, race, location, vocation, etc. are much less important when we have a common faith in Christ. This faith in Christ provides a bridge over these other differences.

As I've blogged before, we've started Men's Ministry at my church. The men I met want to learn God's word; some are even hungry for it. I also heard men say they are looking forward to the community aspect of our meetings: from simply recognizing & knowing other guys at church on Sunday, to building friendships, to challenging & encouraging each other, to knowing each other--and being known by others.

The Crucible Project teaches how to do authentic male community, and how to do it well. If posts like these cause a stirring in your soul, why not fill out TCP's Contact Us form, or comment here, or reach out to me directly?

Are You Prepared?

"School" can start any time. Are you ready?

The other day a friend showed me a quote that I really like:

The reason that God can't use you more than He wants to may well be that you are not prepared.

What are you doing to prepare yourself to be used by God?

• Are you clear on your mission: why God put you here on Earth? 
• Are you hiding from the things that scare you, the things you do but don’t understand? 
• Are you alone in your foxhole, trying to fight your way through life on your own? 
• Do you look back on your youth and wonder how you got to be where you are today?

What would your life be like if you:

• Knew why God put you here—and were working to fulfill His work in you—and in your mission?
• Face the things that scare you and get support from others in understanding & beating those things
• Were part of a community of men, fighting through your fears, challenges, and opposition, in the service of a larger story—God’s redemptive story here on Earth?
• Looked to the future with a sense of wonder & excitement about where God will take you next?

The difference between these two extremes can be as simple as a weekend retreat. Check out the Testimonials on The Crucible Project website. Send me an email or post a question. Ask people to pray for you. Do whatever it takes so you can move from the first group of questions to the second, to a life of significance, meaning, and connection.

What’s keeping you?

Another Statistic

The other day I found out that there’s another divorce in my community. I’m sad for the broken home & scarred lives, as there are kid(s) involved.

My judgment is the husband wasn’t in a community of men who knew him (really knew him) and could challenge him about his choices. I know him, and I did not see this coming: I didn’t make efforts to know him well, or offer him a taste of authentic community.

I don’t know that it would have made a difference. And I *do* know I didn’t make the effort.

What would it be like if we knew each other, challenged each other, and helped each other with our burdens?

I think it is a touch of Heaven right here on Earth.

Carpooling To The Crucible Project Weekend Retreat

I like control, so most of the places I go, I do the driving. I've had the benefit of carpooling to the Crucible Project Weekend retreat as both participant & staff. 

On the way to my initial TCP weekend, I traveled with three other men. I did part of the driving; it wasn't my car. I was nervous about what to expect for the weekend, and my fear of the unknown was heightened by not having my keys & my car at my disposal. The big deal for me was control. And in ways I did not understand until later, changing the way I usually do things (in this case, not driving my own car) and being out of my comfort zone were part of setting the stage for me for the rest of the weekend. 

In some ways, the carpool issue parallels a larger social/societal trend as well as my own life. How often do you see Christian men (or any men) spending time together in close quarters? How much time do I spend alone in my car, or my life, when I could be in community with other men? Quite a bit, truth be told. So men who don't know each other are challenged to ride together and "make" conversation. And when the weekend ends, men ride back to their lives. The conversation on the way back is remarkably different, from a different place, with different language, honesty, & transparency. My ride home from my initial TCP weekend was a debrief, a reflection, a series of "ah-ha" moments men had on the weekend and shared willingly with others in the car. Transformation.

Why carpool? For sure, the logistics of getting 70-80 vehicles (participants & staff) in a parking lot are made a lot easier if the number of vehicles is cut by half or more. There's an environmental boost by ride sharing. It gives Christian men a "bookend" experience on the weekend: two very different levels of community, conversation, sharing. It offers us a chance to look inward when we're stirred up, to reflect on what is going on. There's no harm in that; it is a skill worth practicing.

Crucible Project: Why No Mobile Phones?

You may have read that on The Crucible Project retreats, participants are asked to turn over their mobile devices. To some, this may seem scary or uncomfortable; to others it smacks of black helicopters, one world government, etc.

No phone on the weekend? Conspiracy? Cult. Um, no.

I’m speaking as a man who has attended the weekend and has also staffed. I didn’t design the weekend, I’m not on the Board of Directors, and I’m blogging on my own regarding this issue, so this isn’t an “official” statement.

When was the last time you had an uninterrupted conversation with someone who had his/her mobile device within arm’s reach? When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation with someone who has a mobile device on their hip/in their hand, etc.? When was the last time you were doing something important, only to be interrupted by a phone call or text? With the internet in our pockets, it occurs to me it is impossible for us to be “present” if we don’t exercise control & discipline over our mobile devices.

I am easily distracted. In order to study in college, I went to the library, and holed up in a study cubicle facing the wall in a quiet area. Why? There were many more interesting things than my studies; this provided me an environment to succeed.

So asking me to give up my mobile device for the weekend isn’t really scandalous—except in the eyes of the world. My life won’t implode over the weekend—especially if I’ve told people I’m going on a retreat for the weekend.

What if something really important is going on? I’ve seen men staff and attend weekends while they needed to be reachable. One man I staffed with has two children who are medically fragile. His wife knew how long it would take him to get home, and how to reach a man on staff to get in touch with him. This man used the same process as an initiate and when he returned to staff. He was able to focus on his work over the weekend, and his wife knew how to reach him in the event she needed to.