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| Ego Defenses Allowed! |
6) They sometimes ignore the necessity and utility of ego defenses
I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, so I can't provide a scholarly examination of this. When I checked this out on Wikipedia, it tells me that people, including me, make up things to maintain a healthy self-image. Well of course I make up things to maintain a healthy self-image! In my mind, I'm not 20# heavier than high school, I'm a great husband, etc. Of course I do this stuff--just ask my wife. I do it, and so does everyone else. And I know why I do it (in a general, self-help kind of way).
In my life, I've had plenty of these ego defences some up against hard realities. Some of the most valuable words spoken to me by friends have been to call me out on those things. One time several years ago, a good friend named David told me that he was sad for me and my son. He told me that he kept hearing me talk about the problems we were struggling with, how I wanted to fix it/change…but I didn't change. He said he was sad because he'd been there with his Dad, having the same struggles. He knew how he was wounded, and he wanted more for me & my son. More than that, he said he believed I was sincere in my desire, but that he hadn't seen the change I'd been committed to for months. What he said stung because he was right.
He didn't tear me to shreds, assault my ego defense, or try to change me. He did remind me, in a gentle and firm way, how my words & deeds were not aligned. And he asked me which was more important. He walked with me as I went about figuring out what was in the way, and set about making important changes.
