Carpooling To The Crucible Project Weekend Retreat

I like control, so most of the places I go, I do the driving. I've had the benefit of carpooling to the Crucible Project Weekend retreat as both participant & staff. 

On the way to my initial TCP weekend, I traveled with three other men. I did part of the driving; it wasn't my car. I was nervous about what to expect for the weekend, and my fear of the unknown was heightened by not having my keys & my car at my disposal. The big deal for me was control. And in ways I did not understand until later, changing the way I usually do things (in this case, not driving my own car) and being out of my comfort zone were part of setting the stage for me for the rest of the weekend. 

In some ways, the carpool issue parallels a larger social/societal trend as well as my own life. How often do you see Christian men (or any men) spending time together in close quarters? How much time do I spend alone in my car, or my life, when I could be in community with other men? Quite a bit, truth be told. So men who don't know each other are challenged to ride together and "make" conversation. And when the weekend ends, men ride back to their lives. The conversation on the way back is remarkably different, from a different place, with different language, honesty, & transparency. My ride home from my initial TCP weekend was a debrief, a reflection, a series of "ah-ha" moments men had on the weekend and shared willingly with others in the car. Transformation.

Why carpool? For sure, the logistics of getting 70-80 vehicles (participants & staff) in a parking lot are made a lot easier if the number of vehicles is cut by half or more. There's an environmental boost by ride sharing. It gives Christian men a "bookend" experience on the weekend: two very different levels of community, conversation, sharing. It offers us a chance to look inward when we're stirred up, to reflect on what is going on. There's no harm in that; it is a skill worth practicing.

Crucible Project: A Godly Greeting?

As I was re-reading my post about iron sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:17), I remembered hearing speculation that the greeting for the weekend was not Biblical. I disagree, and will do my best to walk a fine line here by addressing the issue as best I can, while honoring my commitment to confidentiality.

2 Cor 13:12 instructs us to "Greet each other with Christian love"

1 Thess 5:26 is similar, "Greet all the brothers & sisters with Christian love"

How is this compatible with Proverbs 27:17? How may I greet another Christian man with Christian love, and promote iron sharpening iron? Again, is this greeting Biblical?

What if in my greeting of this man, I set the foundation as iron sharpening iron? Does that mean I don't care for this man as a brother in Christ? I would argue it does not. A wise friend once told me that the best friends are the ones who love you the way you are, and love you too much to let you stay that way. The intent isn't manipulative, that they'll make you into who they want you to be. Instead, it is they'll challenge & encourage your growth, rather than encouraging your stagnation.

Have you ever been in a social situation where someone was very quiet & didn't provide much in the way of verbal affirmation? What if that person provided little in the way of non-verbal communication? When that happens to me, I turn inward & start guessing at what the other person might be thinking or feeling. My guesses have a lot to do with my own feelings & emotional state, and little to do with the other person. My guesses may or may not be in line with the Bible, and don't have any bearing on whether the Crucible Project weekend is Biblical or not.

What if it is true that iron sharpening iron and greeting each other with Christian love are not only compatible, but the focused intent, based on scripture?

The Crucible Weekend Bible Verse: Iron Sharpening Iron

Iron Sharpening Iron

Iron *does* sharpen iron

Proverbs 27:17 is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. For years I was told how great it would be to be considered a "nice" guy. Nice, a word not in the Bible. Nice, meaning someone who doesn't make other people uncomfortable. That's not me. I'm not a wallflower or a doormat; I'm direct. What does this have to do with the Crucible Weekend? The weekend isn't there to be "nice", to make men "comfortable". 

The verse spells out that men sharpen each other. On the weekend, I learned that men can have conflict, that sparks can fly, and the relationship can be maintained, even strengthened. I was afraid of conflict with other men for most of my life. I had not seen how that conflict, handled in the right way, can help both men learn something about themselves, and each other. And the conflict doesn't result in shattered relationships, hard feelings, bitterness, and anger. Put another way, the sparks flying during this "sharpening" put a finer edge on the metal, they don't have to burn down the community. What happens when men learn & practice these things? It is transformational to them, their families, their communities, their churches.

Is the weekend a series of men sharpening each other? Yes. Is the weekend a recurring loop of men yelling at each other, a cauldron of interpersonal conflict & discord? Not at all. Did I get angry on my weekend? You bet. Did sparks fly? Sure. Did anyone get hurt physically or emotionally? Nope. Did other men get angry (or experience other emotions) when I did? Yes. And we worked it out, and we were better for it. Really. If this seems absurd, esoteric, or impossible, ask a man who has attended the weekend. He'll tell you his story. Check it out.

Sparks flying for me sounds like anger; there's more to it than that. The TCP weekend for me was the full spectrum of emotions: sad, angry, scared, happy, excited, tender (SASHET, as they're called). Sometimes sparks fly as the anger (rust) is knocked off the iron, revealing other emotions underneath. When I did my TCP weekend, I did a lot of grief work. There were sparks earlier which allowed me to get to the sadness & loss. It was a safe place to grieve, and that is an important point: grief and tenderness don't come out when surrounded by anger. 

I'm willing to touch these emotions in a place which is safe: where people are authentic about their emotions, where honesty is the standard, judgement is suspended, and God is at the center. And that is what I see on the weekend. 

You can see the Bible verses which guide the vision, mission, and values of TCP here. 

Crucible Project Weekend Retreat: What it is about

Wednesday night after work I drove to a meeting room in another town. What I saw there represents the Crucible Project weekend very well.

• I saw men talking of their brokenness, what they learned, and how they're different. since the weekend.
• I saw women honoring their men for the courage they had, the battle they faced, and the change they've manifested since their return from the weekend.
• I saw friends of participants celebrating the courage, dedication, and transformation of their friends.
• I saw a humble group of men who staffed the weekend honored for their service by participants & witnesses.
• I saw weekend leaders honoring the staff, the participants, and their families for their preparation, hard work, and blessings. And the leaders took nothing for themselves.

Truths were spoken, tears were shed. Grand promises were avoided. Men understand the change with the most impact is the one spoken in confidence to brothers for accountability, and demonstrated without fanfare to those they love, on Tuesdays and Wednesday nights, and the rest of the week.

Crucible Project Retreat No Greg Huston Cult

No Greg Huston picture in my wallet.

The Crucible Project weekend retreats are not a "cult of personality". Greg Huston is no Kim Jong-il. I don't have pictures of him in my wallet, or in my home. We don't have pictures of him on the weekends. He doesn't run around on weekends or staff meetings with people hanging on his every word. He's not a megalomaniac feared by everyone. People don't run around saying things like, "Greg said this" or "We can't do anything without Greg", or "*I* got to spend some time meeting with Greg today".

The reality is much different. First a disclaimer: I'm not a close confidante of Greg. I know him, & he knows me, but I haven't been in a small group with him, I'm not on the Board of Directors for The Crucible Project, etc. So I'm not speaking with authority or inside knowledge of who he is at his core. 

What I can say is that in my interactions with him, he's a humble, smart, wise, honest, hard-working guy who cares very much for the hearts of Christian men. He isn't at every retreat, and the focus when he is there is not on him at all. As I said in my post yesterday, staff are very focused on listening to the Holy Spirit & getting guidance there. Greg isn't hands-off: he has ideas on how he'd like things done, and a lot of experience to back up those ideas. He knows this work isn't about him: it's about men, community, the healing power of God & the whispers of the Holy Spirit.

That doesn't sound like a cult to me. Because it isn't.

The Crucible Project Weekend Retreat: A Summary

Wow. Just wow.

A good friend from my men’s group emailed me today to see how things went. He prayed for me, the staff, and the participants this weekend, and wanted to hear how things went. My response was:

I'm in awe at the excellence & commitment I saw by the staff, humbled by the brokenness, excited by the change I saw, inspired by having a front row seat to God working in men's lives, and filled up with love after the whole thing.

The preparation began months ago with staff meetings, prayers, paperwork, and administrative tasks. We arrived on site and spent a day getting ready: preparing the site, praying, rehearsing, ironing out wrinkles in the plan, making sure everyone knew what to do. Leaders repeatedly counseled the staff to remember that this weekend requires God’s presence & direction. They wisely told us of the natural pitfalls, thinking that we as a team might start to believe “we’ve got this”. The truth is we’re the foot solders, who need to listen closely for God’s still, small voice.

All of a sudden, we were off & running with the men showing up on Friday night. By the time the trailer was loaded & I was riding home with a friend, it seemed time had accelerated, only to slow down again until I slid into bed that night. I could have used a little more sleep this morning. J

So what happened? I got to see men on staff work their tails off to make sure the participants got what they came for. To a man, they did. And most of them would tell you the weekend was not what they expected. And yet it was, in a way, what I expected: courageous, emotionally skilled men serving in the army of God, aiding their fellow men. Not for glory, riches, political gain, or social status. We served men because others served us, because we believe we’re called to the work, and because our families realize it is good for us, and them, if we do this.

I had a front row seat while men wrestled with God about important things. I breathed the breath of life with other men, helping them learn things that other men in their lives did not/could not teach them. The tragedy, brokenness, pain, and suffering these men experienced left me broken and humbled. Their courage, faith, strength and gratitude inspired me.

I "got" more than I expected.

In another post, I spoke of what I “got” on my weekend. This weekend I got:

• Gratitude to the leaders for giving me the chance to staff & give back, and affirmation that I did a good job
• Months worth of answered prayer, reminders of God’s power, sovereignty, humor, and love for people—all in a few days.
• A window into my own anger, how toxic it can be for my family, and a vision for how things can really be peaceful in my house
• A powerful tenderness for my wife and three children. Being away from them elevated my sense for how much I love each of them & missed them while I was out of town.
• Increased passion for staffing and sharing the experience with other men I know & care about
• Repeated reminders that this work is pushing against the darkness. Several men on staff had sudden medical emergencies come up over the weekend; one man left the weekend with our tearful blessing to attend to his family emergency. Just as I arrived onsite, one of my best friends called to tell me of his own medical emergency; he had staffed with me just last year and really wanted to join us this time. Several participants also experienced unexpected family crises while on the weekend.

The Crucible Project: Initiation Is Not A Cult

I'm preparing to go staff the March weekend in WI, and initiation is on my mind & heart.

What is initiation?

• In pre-industrial age societies, men initiated boys into the community of men. These were tests of strength, character, courage.
• Give them a taste of what it takes to be a man: 
• dig deeper for strength & resolve when they want to quit
• character when faced with situations where ethics, morals, & faith are involved
• courage in the face of fear & uncertainty
• The point was not to haze, shame, humiliate, or damage. After all, these boys were sons of men in the community.

 Why initiation for men?

Service & mentorship
not hazing

• What defines a man? Is it age? Maybe secondary sex characteristics like deeper voice or chest hair? How about sexual conquest, siring children, or moving out from his parents’ house? I argue that our culture, including Christian culture, is confused on this issue. I’ve seen little church teaching or guidance on this issue, leaving young men to fend for themselves. Because few of these boys have a mentor. And that, in my opinion, is because few men can understand, much less articulate what it means to be a man. Christian communities need Christian men to challenge & bless young men, to teach them, welcome them into the community of men, to share the wisdom of their experience with these men.
• For those men older than teens/20s, there are still questions: do I have “what it takes”, how do articulate what is going on in my head, how do I communicate with my heart / women / other men? Heck, in most cases, men have no idea what “authentic” community means. Hint: it’s not about drinking beer, playing golf, watching sports. If their Dad didn’t teach them, they’re trying to figure it out on their own.
• Why not have a group of prayerful Christian men challenge & bless other men, regardless of age? Where is the downside of teaching men how to understand themselves, be honest with themselves & others? 

Why not give out the schedule?

• I touched on this in an earlier post.
• I like to figure out the way to do well on a “test”. Left to my own devices, I’ll study like a wild man, practice, prepare. The truth is, I’ll figure out how much I have to do to meet a certain standard I have for myself, and do that. If I don’t know what the minimum is, I’ll work harder, do whatever it takes. If I don’t have lots of data on how to game the system, I won’t game the system. 

Initiation <> Cult

In terms of initiation, The Crucible Project doesn’t have the hallmarks of cults/hazing:

• Sleep deprivation
• Men get adequate sleep & are not up all night. Tired, yes. Driven to exhaustion? No.
• Coercion
• The whole weekend is what I call “challenge by choice”. This isn’t the military, people.
• Food & water
• Men eat & drink on the weekend; water is always available. It is not a spa retreat, but we don’t starve or go thirsty, either.
• Physical punishment or verbal abuse
• Absolutely, categorically, positively does not happen. The weekend is iron sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:17), not a place where men hurt each other.

I'm focused on what I can give back to the men on the weekend. Men I don't even know. I'm giving back the blessings & wisdom I've gained, in part through the service of other men who staffed. These men didn't know me, either. They spent a weekend away from their families, after months of preparation, to serve God and other men doing work that is challenging. On Sunday, we'll all leave blessed & full, and the community of Christian men will be stronger & wiser. That is neither hazing, nor a cult.

Crucible Project: Cult or Not?

I’ve heard the question raised, “Is The Crucible Project a cult?”

I think this is a common question for men to ask. After all, the site is not awash with details regarding what goes on during the weekend, men are asked to keep confidential what happens, and there are things said on the internet which can be disconcerting. This is a pretty broad topic, so I’ll address in several posts.

Full disclosure: I’m not an expert on cults, and I’ve not been offered any remuneration by TCP leadership to write this post.

Before I get into the definition of cults and how they may/may not play out in TCP, I’d like to address the high level concerns listed above about what goes on in the weekend, and the issue of confidential information.

Crucible Project:
Cult or Conspiracy?
Nope

What happens on the weekend?

The site and alumni are pretty vague about what happens on the weekend. Why? More black helicopters? No.

Part of the weekend is an initiation, which is experiential in nature. Even if I had the outline in hand before I went on the weekend, I would miss the context, flow, and rhythm of the weekend. There are times in my life when audible turn-by-turn guidance is what I want, and I can understand how mystery about the weekend can increase a man’s desire for step-by-step instructions. I’ve found introspection and adventure to be places where Tom-Tom doesn’t know the route. I want to use the cheat codes for my life, but that doesn’t help me learn what God has been trying to teach me. The best way for me to experience the weekend is to actually experience the weekend.

Crucible Project: Safe

Confidential vs. Secrecy     

Men who attend the weekend are asked to keep confidential what they see and hear. Confidential has several definitions; in this case it is about being entrusted with private affairs. Secrecy is something done without the knowledge of others. Strong friendships are built around trust: knowing each other well, including each other’s mistakes & failings. To share these confidential mistakes & failings with others is at least gossip, at worst betrayal.

Setting up the framework of “what happens here stays here” is important. It enables an atmosphere of “no shenanigans” (or “no BS”) that is as rare as it is essential. How many times this week did you suspect people were not being entirely truthful with you? Were their motivations or objectives secret (vs. confidential)? Do you trust them? Part of setting up an environment without these “shenanigans” is ensuring confidentiality: being entrusted with private affairs.

Can men talk at all about the weekend?

What did you
get on your
weekend?

Yes, they can. In fact, men are encouraged to share with others what they “got” on the weekend. The irony: some men are very interested in the step-by-step, when what is really important is the learning, insight, revelation (e.g. “I got it!”) that happens along the way. Talking about what I uncovered about myself is risky, because it can be messy or involve a level of trust I don’t have with everyone. It is also authentic.

On my TCP weekend, I did some powerful grief work. My Dad died when I was 12. I loved him very much. I wasn’t quite to the age when boys pull away from their Dads & start carving out their own identity, so our relationship had very little conflict. Among the things I “got” on my weekend: a renewed appreciation for my kids, a heartfelt love for them, and a drive to experience more joy with them. There are more things I “got”, things more confidential than a blog post anyone can read. And if you ask the guys who were there, you’ll get a knowing look that comes from shared experience, and how that touched their lives. And because they understand “confidential”, you won’t get the details of what else happened that weekend. That's not because of a conspiracy, or a cult. It is because those are shared experiences are private.

Crucible Project: Why No Mobile Phones?

You may have read that on The Crucible Project retreats, participants are asked to turn over their mobile devices. To some, this may seem scary or uncomfortable; to others it smacks of black helicopters, one world government, etc.

No phone on the weekend? Conspiracy? Cult. Um, no.

I’m speaking as a man who has attended the weekend and has also staffed. I didn’t design the weekend, I’m not on the Board of Directors, and I’m blogging on my own regarding this issue, so this isn’t an “official” statement.

When was the last time you had an uninterrupted conversation with someone who had his/her mobile device within arm’s reach? When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation with someone who has a mobile device on their hip/in their hand, etc.? When was the last time you were doing something important, only to be interrupted by a phone call or text? With the internet in our pockets, it occurs to me it is impossible for us to be “present” if we don’t exercise control & discipline over our mobile devices.

I am easily distracted. In order to study in college, I went to the library, and holed up in a study cubicle facing the wall in a quiet area. Why? There were many more interesting things than my studies; this provided me an environment to succeed.

So asking me to give up my mobile device for the weekend isn’t really scandalous—except in the eyes of the world. My life won’t implode over the weekend—especially if I’ve told people I’m going on a retreat for the weekend.

What if something really important is going on? I’ve seen men staff and attend weekends while they needed to be reachable. One man I staffed with has two children who are medically fragile. His wife knew how long it would take him to get home, and how to reach a man on staff to get in touch with him. This man used the same process as an initiate and when he returned to staff. He was able to focus on his work over the weekend, and his wife knew how to reach him in the event she needed to.

As the father goes, so goes the home

I had dinner recently with a wise, dear friend. He works with youth & offered me an assessment I had not heard before. Netted out, his hypothesis is that as the father in a family goes, so goes the rest of the home. If the father is away all the time, angry often, doesn’t love his wife, and/or doesn’t treat his wife well in front of his children, well, then there’s trouble.  Kids grow up with things wrong in critical areas.

I thought quite a bit about what he said, and which of those apply most to me. It was a humbling period of self-reflection.

I know I don’t have the strength, wisdom, persistence, and myriad other things I need to raise good kids. The only chance I’ve got is to lean into my faith, to get these things from God. For me, this starts with prayer. Yet for most of my life, prayer was something I did half-heartedly. Sure, I did it before meals, and foxhole prayers when life got scary. Gradually, I did it in the mornings occasionally, or just before falling asleep at night. But it wasn’t a focus, a priority, a value.

There were two big things that changed my approach to prayer, making it essential. I was scared straight.

The first was a culmination, an awakening of sorts. After our first child was born, I found myself besieged right before I fell asleep with potent fear of horrific things happening to my son. This went on for some time and one day I read the story of Martin Luther being awakened by the Devil in the middle of the night. Luther, realizing who it was, replied, “Oh, it’s only you” and went back to sleep. I was reading one of John Eldredge’s books, learning about spiritual warfare and the value of prayer. I tried praying against those fears at night, exposing them for what they were, and you know what? It worked!

The power of prayer really came home for me a year or so later. To make a long story short, I felt like evil had its hooks in me, and it rattled me to my core. I got past my reluctance to as for help, asking my wife & friends to pray for me. I prayed for days, deeply disturbed in my soul, asking God for wisdom & perspective. What I realized in the midst of this was I had too few verses of scripture in memory. Put another way, I knew of the armor of God, but had no idea what it was, how to put it on, what it was about. I did not want to be caught so unprepared again.

So I began praying Eldredge’s daily prayer. It seems long & involved. And it is; check out the references to scripture. And I’ve realized that it is an insurance policy, a shield in the daily spiritual warfare that surrounds us all. I know on the days when I don’t make the time for prayer in the morning that I should expect things to go haywire. Prayer in the morning isn’t a cure-all, a guarantee of smooth sailing. It does ground me, help me get closer to God, and practice covering my family and myself in prayer. And it provides me with a touchpoint with God, a place to evaluate how things are going in my walk with Him.

Are you walking with God daily? Are you in a community of men who can tell you of the good they see in you—and challenge you to live the life God intended for you? Are they lifting you up in prayer, and challenging you to do the same for them, yourself, and your house?