Education & Doing What We're Told

I’m a fan of Seth Godin. He recently re-posted about education, and I read his manifesto. Truth be told, it is a series of blog-like thoughts, wrapped around a series of themes. And I devoured it. I was intrigued, and disturbed.

This guy is doing what he was told.

I agree with his premise that our current educational system is designed around control, creating good workers—not good critical thinkers, entrepreneurs, etc.

Upon reflection, I realized that I bought into the line that if I did what I was told, everything would work out. I looked back at some painful, emotional situations and realized that part of what stirred me up was the premise I bought into, and that things weren’t all right. Moreover, if I followed some of these people, things would never be right.

And I thought about my kids, and what they’re learning from me. If I’m honest with myself, I’m teaching them more on obedience than respect, more on step-by-step process than critically evaluating authority, what they’re told, etc. 

And I’m evaluating critically what I believe regarding doing what I’m told & everything will be just fine.

Maybe you’re asking yourself those questions, too. Do you have a trusted inner circle of men who you can call when you’re down & need encouragement? 

If you don’t, or you wonder what that looks like, why not check out The Crucible Weekend. You’ll get support as you evaluate difficult situations, questions, and assumptions in your life. I did, and it made all the difference.

Are you waiting for someone to tell you to go on the weekend? ;)

The Crucible Weekend: I Statements

Use “I” statements.

Not "you" statements.

Last week, I overheard a man say:

You know, when you feel like this you want to do something?

Um, what? Is this you telling me what I do, or you telling me about you, but as if you’re me? What is this person trying to say? Really?

Keep it simple. Own the feelings: I’m angry when this happens, or I was shocked/afraid/delighted at xyz. I won't be offended, because you're talking about yourself, using I statements. It is clear & simple: other people don't need to translate/decode who you're *really* talking about.

Put differently: speak for yourself. Let other men speak for themselves.

The Crucible Weekend: Thinking vs. Feelings, or Story vs. Impact

Tonight's post is the next in a series on communication.

• Guys spend most of their time in their analytical brain. Unfortunately, it seems we socialize men that way, staring very young. Kids who are “sensitive” and show emotion are taught not to express their feelings—or worse, to deny them. This is good for business, but bad, in my opinion, for society at large. 

• Men can spend endless time on the backstory, the details, all sides of the argument, what they’ve tried, etc. And we get nowhere when we do this. We *do* get somewhere when we can identify what we feel, and a few sentences of context around that. THAT allows men (and women) to connect with us.

• Sad Angry Scared Happy Excited Tender Check them out. And you thought angry & sad were the only emotions....

• Asking follow up questions like why usually catapult a man back into his head. It seems like a good idea…until we learn that the very basics of backstory are enough to understand a man where he is. 

More on Courage

On the heels of yesterday’s blog about courage, I saw this image & had a reaction.

'Nuff said

What in my life am I willing to do in order that I may say on my deathbed that I lived well? I don’t mean owning fine things, I mean a life of impact, meaning, and value. I hope my efforts here, at home, in my church stir men to action, healing, and leadership in their homes, jobs, and communities. Impact such that these same men challenge & encourage me to do the same.

Shakespeare said "A coward dies a thousand deaths, but the valiant taste death but once." 

How do you want to be remembered?

Courage

USS Johnston DD557

I recently read "The Last Stand of the Tin Can Sailors". 

While the major forces of the American navy went after a diversion to the north, early on the morning of October 25, 1944 a powerful Japanese fleet surprised a much smaller American force protecting nascent American gains on Leyte.  

Knowing the carriers he was sworn to protect were in grave danger, Cmdr. Earnest Evans, captain of the USS Johnston, said:

A large Japanese fleet has been contacted. They are fifteen miles away and headed in our direction. They are believed to have four battleships, eight cruisers, and a number of destroyers. This will be a fight against overwhelming odds from which survival cannot be expected. We will do what damage we can.

What a powerful story of courage!

It is as inspiring to me as it is humbling: there are far smaller things I shirk from every day.

Communication: Curiosity & Active Listening

Lately I've been thinking about curiosity & active listening, and how important they are when we communicate.

Curiosity

• Asking open-ended questions, vs. questions with a yes/no answer.
• Seeking to understand the other person. My experiences are usually different from those of others, so it takes time, focus, and effort to understand where another person is coming from, what he means, etc.
• Using my eyes and ears when listening to someone share. I've actually seen someone say yes and shake their head no, unconsciously, in response to a question. Well, truth be told, someone else pointed it out to me. I noticed something, but didn't put it together until another, more observant man pointed it out.

Active Listening

• Is not just for women! Men respond to this, too. People respond positively if I'm showing them I'm paying attention--without hijacking the conversation.
• "What I heard you say was..." is a great way for a person to demonstrate this.
• Back to paying attention & curiosity (above), if you're really paying attention, you might find someone contradicting what s/he said earlier. In my men's group, we often call each other out on things like this.
• "You say regularly that quality family time is important, but you just told me you avoid conversations with your wife about the calendar. How will quality family time happen if you avoid scheduling it?" Busted! This is one of the countless blessings my family has received when I've been called out for things I say which contradict each other.

Are you genuinely curious about what your spouse is saying? Really?

What about community? Do you have a small group of people who *know* you, who listen well, care for you, and listen--really listen--to what you say? If the answer is no, why not? Groups of emotionally adept people are out there. Sure, it's risky & bumpy

What's in the way of taking the risk & make the effort to be a better listener to your friends, spouse, customers, & children?

The Crucible Weekend: Communication 101

Tonight's post is about communication, the first in a series.

If you think about it, this is true.

One thing that is hard for people, particularly men, to do is be present in the moment. I wake up, and over coffee, my to-do list takes off like it is attached to a rocket booster. It is hard to fight the G-force when the kids wake up and demand (and merit) my attention instead. It's hard to leave my agenda aside & listen & focus on what is going on in their worlds first thing in the morning. 

Here are a few tips I've compiled from men who have gone before me.

Don't

• Just wait for my turn to talk
• Go somewhere else in my mind: work, home, play--whatever is going on other than right there, right then.
• Think about how I can solve your problem

Do

• What the other person's body language for clues
• Listen to understand
• Work hard to connect with the other person: their feelings, their situation.

I find this works well, for both men & women. People really like to be heard, not told what to do like freshmen at football practice. When someone is busy telling me what I should do in my life, I find it hard to bite back invective, because that person usually hasn’t taken time to know me. Often, they're busy telling me my story--incorrectly.

Are you present, really present in your conversations with other people? What if you were as present as you could be—wouldn’t your relationships be different?

If this is intriguing or hard to grasp, take a step of faith, a risk, and check out The Crucible Project. These men know how to listen, how to be present in the moment. They're willing to listen, model, and teach you this, and many other skills. And you just might change your life.

Who knows? You might learn something meaningful about someone else. 

The Crucible Weekend: Fear & Treasure

I saw a post on Facebook the other day with a quote that I loved:

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. –Joseph Campbell

The cave you fear holds the treasure you seek. 

Now Campbell wasn’t a Christian (far from it), and I have not read anything he wrote, except the quote above.

However, his quote rings true, not just in my mind; in my heart as well. I know well the times God has whispered for me to take on a challenge, and I’ve dug in my heels, fighting/begging Him to not make me do that. I know I distract myself with “busy-ness” sometimes to keep from going to the deep dark places in my life.

I don’t naturally trust other people there: there’s too much risk. And I’ve learned, over time, how to be trustworthy & intentional when navigating deep, dark places—my own & those which belong to others.

It takes practice, encouragement, support, and the occasional dose of tough love. Men who have gone there with God can be His hands & feet, my brothers along the way.

I learned how to be transparent on The Crucible Weekend. I saw men who were emotionally adept, supportive without being sissies, strong but not bullies. They set the bar high & led by example. All of them led by example.

If you’re honest with yourself, you have at least one cave to which Campbell refers. You could spend your whole life running from that cave, swatting God’s hand away as He offers to walk with you in there, to heal & transform you.

Maybe you have children, or a wife. What example do you want to be for them/her? Do you want to avoid the work involved, deny it, ignore it? The people closest to you know. No matter how well you hide, they know whether you’ve taken the risk or not. You can tell an initiated man from all other men: there's a look in a man's eyes. No matter how many more times they have to go back to that cave (or other ones), they’ve at least done it once.

Don’t you owe it to yourself to have gone there, to show you’re man enough to go to a place that scares you to death? Think of how the rest of your life would look *after* facing the fear of that cave!

God is waiting to heal, grow, and teach you. There’s a group of men out there, The Crucible Project, and they’re ready to equip you for that adventure. You must do the work yourself; you do *not* have to do it alone. We have gear for trips like this; you don’t have to make your own torch out of a stick, tar, & cloth anymore.

Pull out your calendar & find a date that works for you. Sign up & take the first step in embracing the treasure in your life, not fearing and hiding from it.

Telling a Man His Story

Sometimes, in the confusion & pain that is my story, I lose sight of everything but myself. I revert to my childish, selfish, toddler nature, where others are there to meet my needs. And whoa, if they don’t, then they’re to blame: for my unhappiness, for what is missing in my life, for what is there but I *wish* were missing in my life.

I recently watched a man tell *another* man his story. To be clear, "Mark" told "Jim" what happened in "Jim's" life, what he did/didn't get, etc.. "Mark", the “teller” got the whole thing wrong. Entirely. He couldn’t have been more wrong if he sat down, did research, & planned it out.

In most circles of men, this firebombs a relationship: neighbors stop talking, churches splinter, families are broken. In a circle of initiated men, we are privy to something that seems abstract, yet is essential: it’s not about me.

In a circle of initiated men, the “teller” above is called out—not to punish, shame, or put down. Think of it as calling “shenanigans”. It is the teller’s opportunity to learn something—and the other men have the opportunity to learn something about themselves: do I tell other people their story?

In writing this, I realized I tell others their story. People close to me. Ouch: that’s not who I want to be.

Who knows your story? Who really knows you?

If someone telling you your story would set you off, and you are intrigued by what I described above, check out The Crucible Weekend. It’s run by The Crucible Project. They do a great job teaching what authentic Biblical community is, what it isn’t, and how to practice it. 

You’ll have the opportunity to learn it isn’t really all about you. 

And you’ll also have the opportunity to be surprised when some things are about you—even when you thought they weren’t.

How to Pray Like a Man

I was reading blogs the other day & found a gem written by David Murrow.

He wrote a brilliant blog entry about the "prayer-speak" we often find in churches. Worship leaders are especially vulnerable to this affliction. When I say often, here's *how* often: I described the title of the post to a friend, who proceeded to tell me 2 of Murrow's 3 points. Busted!

While I thoroughly enjoyed his insightful writing, the part which resonated most with me was his challenge to stop using "just" in front of verbs. He's right when he says it softens the verb that follows. I'm regularly the language police, and now I have a new rule to enforce on myself, to make sure I communicate with more purpose, focus, and authority.

Here's Murrow's post. 

What do you think? What is your opportunity to pray more like a man?

The Crucible Weekend: Staffing

I got an email yesterday from a man I know. He went to The Crucible Weekend years & years ago & was transformed. He still meets regularly with a couple of the guys from his weekend. Kids, job changes, a house, etc. have taken up much of his time.

A few months ago he asked me about staffing: how did I do it, did I think it had been too long since his weekend for him to do it, things like that. He found a weekend that worked with his family schedule, applied to staff, and is excited.

I'm excited for him: for the growth, the unexpected challenges, for the adventure of staffing for the first time. Scratch that: staffing is an adventure *every* time. I'm also excited about what it will mean for our group, our church, our community.

If you haven't experienced The Crucible Weekend, I recommend it. If you can't understand why a man would give up a whole weekend to go serve other men, many of whom he doesn't know, without getting paid, then why not pray about it?

What might God have in store for you?