The Crucible Weekend: Modeling Male Community & Same-Sex Friendships

I've been thinking a lot about community lately. I've spend a lot of time with a good friend, each of us bartering our time to help each other work on our houses and cars. Money is tight, the jobs are much easier with two men, and we each agree it is easier for us to work on someone else's house/car than our own. So we labor away in our free time, breaking bread together, solving problems, working late, sharing each other's burdens.

We talk while we're working: about our struggles, failings, fears, successes, jokes--the whole gamut. And this is how things are supposed to be: guys, and their families, doing life together. My kids greet the guys in my mens' group by their first names because they see them regularly. They're learning that different men act differently, and that is a good thing.

Last weekend, a bunch of men I know staffed The Crucible Weekend for men who live in urban communities. The men who participated in the weekend live very different lives than I do: vocation, background, where they live, what their city/village/community looks like. And yet we have similar goals, a similar calling, in terms of Community. As I've blogged before, differences of socioeconomic, culture, race, location, vocation, etc. are much less important when we have a common faith in Christ. This faith in Christ provides a bridge over these other differences.

As I've blogged before, we've started Men's Ministry at my church. The men I met want to learn God's word; some are even hungry for it. I also heard men say they are looking forward to the community aspect of our meetings: from simply recognizing & knowing other guys at church on Sunday, to building friendships, to challenging & encouraging each other, to knowing each other--and being known by others.

The Crucible Project teaches how to do authentic male community, and how to do it well. If posts like these cause a stirring in your soul, why not fill out TCP's Contact Us form, or comment here, or reach out to me directly?

Boys, Men, and the Christian Church

I just stumbled upon a great couple of blog posts about boys by Tim Wright. In one, he talks about The High Cost of Bored Boys.

The thing that really got my attention, that struck a nerve, is his first post, asking Does Anyone Care Anymore About Boys?

Ahh, the beach!

I have been blessed with two sons, and the thing that grabbed my attention was how in 2009, the White House announced the formation of The President's Council on Women and Girls. Why no mention of a similar council for boys & men, you ask? I think it is part of  a larger drift among men. I see recurring examples of men who are not motivated, engaged, or "stepping up" in their lives. The women are organized, and the men are...where? Afterall, boys can't raise themselves, at least not well. Just look at the stats in Wright's blog.

In my opinion, the most direct path to turning this around is to raise up men. That's why I blog, serve in Men's Ministry in my church, meet with men, & staff weekend retreats with The Crucible Project.

There's another great group, Project 5130, which "raises up" boys on an experiential weekend. In fact, the group's founders are alumni of The Crucible Project.

I am delighted at others' efforts to start & continue a conversation about raising boys. Men, myself included, need all the help they can get. And if we don't get men & boys engaged in the world, and their faith, what will be left of the Christian church?

The Christian Church, a Gender Gap, and Missing Men

David Murrow did it again. He has written another insightful, pointed post about the Christian church and the gender gap.

I would argue that the grand narrative arc of the New Testament does NOT emphasize feminine themes; rather this arc has become perceived as feminine.

• Yes, Jesus fought an abusive, legalistic religious landscape. That alone sounds more like a man than a woman--except when I consider this is how media represent women today. To prove my point, how many leading ladies in action films are shown as tough, vs. vulnerable, nurturing Sunday school teachers? 
• Jesus asks fishermen to walk away from their livelihood and follow him, and they do. Popular culture is replete with examples of men who drop what they're doing to pursue a beautiful woman.
• Jesus has a group of men who are his close friends, his ministry, his traveling companions. I think this is the example most adopted by women, most abandoned by men in our culture today. When I ask men if they're interested in men's groups or a Bible study, etc. they look at me like I'm speaking Klingon.

We've taken rugged individualism and made it our false idol. Jesus "did life" in the company of other men, ministering to communities as a whole. He broke bread with these guys, they disagreed & worked it out.

I don't think women grabbed the reins of the church from men; I believe, like John Eldredge, that most men are "asleep" when it comes to the big issues in life (and no, the big issues don't include fantasy football). With nobody at the wheel, so to speak, women stepped in.

It's like a company whose lead product has drifted from one market segment to another. They're in a tough spot, b/c the money & decisions are made by the new segment (women), and the original segment (men) is out of the picture, with little brand "engagement". Under attack from exterior forces (other religions, apathy, "must see TV", etc..), how does this firm re-engage its original target?

That is the big question: how to get men involved again in church. James MacDonald at Harvest has had a lot of success in this arena; I like David Murrow's ideas. The Crucible Project is getting it done.

Any other ideas? What are you doing to get men engaged in church...and life?

The Crucible Weekend: A Closer Inspection

I've had a dose of the reality lately, regarding the frailties of humanity: people close to me impacted by death, hurt, broken community, fear.

Taking a look at Character &
The Crucible Weekend

I'm encouraged by the character of men I know:

A man who helps me clean up after working (together) on his wife's car. This isn't about a pristine garage: all tools are potential weapons or instruments of destruction if left unsupervised & in arm's reach of my kids. :) It is after 11pm, he has a 30 minute drive home, and he has to leave early in the morning for work. It would be easy for him to ask me to leave w/o helping in cleanup, and I'd support him if he did. He stays to help wrap up, b/c it is the right thing to do.

A man shares a prayer he wrote years ago, as he looked back with grief on his (human) failings as a Dad. I'm not the first one to raise my hand & thank him: for both the gift of his prayer and the gift of his humility & willingness to take the risk to share. I add it to my daily prayer.

A man I know & respect very much mentions The Crucible Project as something that transforms his life, and one of his friends takes a leap of faith & signs up for The Crucible Weekend. Within a week, my friend finds himself, his wife, and children threatened by a major crisis. He writes and speaks of God, tells tales of His provision, and boldly asks for prayers for his family.

Sure, if you look hard enough, you'll find stories of courage out there. The concentration of stories like these in The Crucible Project alumni is no accident. Come join us and live a life worth imitating--and telling others about.

The Red Lantern

I've been thinking a lot about school & community lately, as all three of my kids are now in school. Fall baseball has started, and there are wide variations in skill on my eldest son's team. How they treat each other on & around the baseball field, as well as in school is on my mind & heart when I'm at the games, and particularly at bedtime when we talk about the day, one-on-one.

Seth Godin blogs about The Red Lantern, a celebration of courage & determination in the Iditarod (and also the Tour de France, by the way). In particular, this is a celebration of people who are so far behind in a race they'll never win, yet they don't quit.

Why not celebrate people who
push through their own limitations?

Everyone wants to be a winner; it is painful & often very public to show up in last place. My kids won't always win at things they do, and I love the idea of celebrating them for not quitting when *everything* tells them to: the scoreboard, the crowd, their bodies, their flagging determination.

This spirit runs through men's work: the idea that we celebrate a man's victories without comparison to the scoreboard [read: paycheck, house, car, title, family success, how attractive his wife is, etc.]. In fact, men's work, when done right, provides an environment where men can set & achieve goals of real substance & merit: go after things which scare them to death; important, weighty issues with a ripple effect extending well beyond themselves. Men have challenges to face, they can get support and accountability, and they can break through their own barriers, limitations, addictions, distractions.

God won't evaluate me based on how well I perform relative to the rest of the human race. He'll evaluate how well I did based on what He gave me to do in the light of His holy expectations. That is a tall order. I'm grateful for grace, and a community of men who help me do my best to stay in the race, even when I'm way, way behind the leaders.

If you're way behind in any (or many!) of the races in your life, don't quit. Prayerfully consider attending one of The Crucible Weekend retreats. The "Red Lantern" can be simple & powerful: "Well done, good & faithful servant."

Sept. 20-22   Houston, TX
Sept. 27-29   St. Charles, IL (for men who live in the city)
Oct.   25-27   Lake Brownwood, TX
Nov.   1-3      Williams Bay, WI

Men's Ministry & The Great Commission

This past Friday morning during my prayer time, I found myself coming back to the word commission. It isn't a word I use often, and I felt God put it on my heart. In my experience, when that happens, God has to make it *really* obvious, b/c I'm not the quickest to pick those things up. The context at the time was my prayer around the simultaneous Crucible Project weekend retreats in Wisconsin & Australia, that these men would be commissioned by God by the end of the weekend (which is this afternoon).

The next morning, I participated in a meeting at church. It was really the first of its kind in the history of our church, with the goal of reaching men, getting men more involved. Our pastor read from Jesus' Great Commission as he opened in prayer. It was more than a coincidence: it was over 2 years worth of answered prayer.

There are stirrings of Men's Ministry at my church: men who are stepping up, plans being made, meetings scheduled, etc. We're a diverse group, with different ideas, gifts, & backgrounds. We have a passion for engaging men; we don't aspire to men's breakfasts where the most significant thing is Satan pouring the syrup.

This is truly exciting for our community. As my boys grow, I'd love for them to see men fully alive, mobilized, leading, growing in our community. Yesterday, we made some of the first steps toward that.

Yay, God!

The Crucible Weekend Starts Tonight in Wisconsin & Australia

Today in nearby Wisconsin and halfway around the world in Australia, men are gathering, preparing, praying.

Some are staffing one of these two weekend retreats. Among them are rookie staffers, whose “work” is fresh in their hearts, and on their faces. At least one of them, a friend of mine, is staffing for the first time many years after he went through what is now The Crucible Weekend. There are mid-level staff, who are familiar with the setting & the flow of the weekend. And there, too, are senior staff, the leaders. These are the men who have staffed over and over, who have earned the wisdom they bring. There’s no “Easy-Bake Oven” for men’s work. Men who give up their weekends, hobbies, and no small amount of energy to run these things know there is no substitute for experience. Some of these leaders will assume a heavy mantle of leadership for the entire weekend. There are surprises, even for the senior staff. And that is okay, because, you see, they’ve been tested, over and over. And they rely upon God to show up & do his work through them and all the other men on the weekend. It is a weighty responsibility, and yet I’ve never heard a leader complain about it.

There are other men, too. In fact, nearly as many men as on staff will be attending the weekend, starting tonight. Some arrive broken, troubled on every side. Some arrive proud, convinced they have things all figured out. Some men are fighting with all they have to get there tonight, fighting through fear, trouble at home and/or work, physical issues, car trouble, foul spirits and the like. Some men are going because they hope God will show up. Some men are going, and they’re scared, some bordering on panic. Still others have seen men they know go on the weekend and emerge changed—for the better. These men don’t know how, or why, they just know they want what they saw in the actions & words of a man who had been through. Several years ago, I was one of these men.

It is rare in today’s society that words like honor, service, servant leadership, prayer, and Jesus are all used together. It is even rarer when men in the Christian church do *anything* together. How rare, precious, and inspiring it is when these two things come together on a weekend retreat!

Throughout the day today, and during the weekend, I’ll lift these men up in prayer. Godspeed to you all!

Death & Taxes

Here's another brilliant post by Seth Godin.

If you click the link, you can see a powerful infographic on where the Federal gov't. spends its money.

I'm not trying to start an, ahem, conversation here about budgetary priorities.

Instead, being able to see this data is quite powerful, so you can decide for yourself if the spending matches your understanding...and your values.

As an aside, see how long it takes you to find the biggest circle of spending, including what it is. I'm ashamed at how long and how many viewings it took me.

Are You Prepared?

"School" can start any time. Are you ready?

The other day a friend showed me a quote that I really like:

The reason that God can't use you more than He wants to may well be that you are not prepared.

What are you doing to prepare yourself to be used by God?

• Are you clear on your mission: why God put you here on Earth? 
• Are you hiding from the things that scare you, the things you do but don’t understand? 
• Are you alone in your foxhole, trying to fight your way through life on your own? 
• Do you look back on your youth and wonder how you got to be where you are today?

What would your life be like if you:

• Knew why God put you here—and were working to fulfill His work in you—and in your mission?
• Face the things that scare you and get support from others in understanding & beating those things
• Were part of a community of men, fighting through your fears, challenges, and opposition, in the service of a larger story—God’s redemptive story here on Earth?
• Looked to the future with a sense of wonder & excitement about where God will take you next?

The difference between these two extremes can be as simple as a weekend retreat. Check out the Testimonials on The Crucible Project website. Send me an email or post a question. Ask people to pray for you. Do whatever it takes so you can move from the first group of questions to the second, to a life of significance, meaning, and connection.

What’s keeping you?

Another Statistic

The other day I found out that there’s another divorce in my community. I’m sad for the broken home & scarred lives, as there are kid(s) involved.

My judgment is the husband wasn’t in a community of men who knew him (really knew him) and could challenge him about his choices. I know him, and I did not see this coming: I didn’t make efforts to know him well, or offer him a taste of authentic community.

I don’t know that it would have made a difference. And I *do* know I didn’t make the effort.

What would it be like if we knew each other, challenged each other, and helped each other with our burdens?

I think it is a touch of Heaven right here on Earth.

Fake, Or Don't Believe Everything You Read

I was inspired by another of Seth Godin’s blog posts, this one on fake.

Here are a few excerpts which struck me:

We can leave a trail of wreckage without much thought, especially if we're anonymous…

When we want to hide behind an alias…we do…

Worse, when we want to deceive or lash out, it's easy to do…relationships and even reputations are disposable. We don't have to look you in the eye, it's dark in here, and we're wearing a mask.

My name is on this blog. I thought about using a pseudonym, a nom de plume, and then thought better of it: I don’t plan to write anything that I don’t want next to my name.

I write about things I have experienced, things I have seen with my own eyes. I claim my re-telling of things as my own. I don’t write about things I haven’t been through as though I had been through them. I didn't come up with a clever blog title to impute more credibility.

My issue is how easy it is to lash out, to hide anonymously, lobbing grenades into someone’s life, ministry, or mission. Once the grenade has exploded, there is damage to repair, requiring a great deal of time & effort.  Time and effort spent to rebuild, even if the damage was based on a lie. Or a “partial truth”. It’s easy for someone to anonymously create the wreckage without any data, facts, or evidence. And too often people read something & assume it is true—because why would someone write it if it weren't true?

It is not easy to stand toe-to-toe, have the difficult conversation, identify the miscommunication & misunderstandings—admit when I’m wrong. I do it, though, because it is what men do. Or at least what men *should* do, rather than working hard to convince you that your trust is well-placed in their stories.

Godin ends his post by asking, “Do we really need to add another layer of fake?”

Preach on, brother, preach on.

Fear & Power

I got an email from a friend this morning. He’s a really good man, a guy who knows himself and the work he has yet to do *on* himself. He leads by example, serves others, and is working every day to be his best and make the world a better place.

Years ago he told me a powerful quote from Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Several years ago I printed this out and taped to my computer monitor at work. I keep it there to remind me of these truths.

Here it is as a reminder for all of us.

Troubled on Every Side

A dear friend of mine is “troubled on every side” (2 Corinthians 4:8-10).

He’s fighting the good fight in a dark place. His physical safety is in question. His emotional well being is under daily attack. Things at work for him are dark & foreboding.

It has been 4 years since we set off, as a group, to rally around something greater in our lives: greater impact, greater responsibility, greater “things”. I don’t mean a bigger TV, or a newer car. I mean Kingdom Impact. We got crushed. Hammered. Separated & picked off. And we thought for a while the tide had turned.

He thought God was calling him out of the dark place, and then it all fell apart suddenly, a surprise despite all signals go. Everyone was thunderstruck: him, his wife, the men in our group. I was sad, angry, and confused. I wanted to know why. As I grieved for my friend, not knowing why, I couldn’t escape the feeling that God’s protection or His plan, invisible to us all, was involved. Over a month later, there’s no smoking gun, no scandal, no clear word from God on what happened—we still don’t have any inkling of “why”.

So he prepared to return to the dark place. Counseling, wisdom & support from us (more support than wisdom, I’m sure, but sometimes the blind squirrel finds a nut), and perseverance drive him on. He works in service to God, based on the gifts He has given.

This is the stuff that makes men heroes. It isn’t a big naval battle, or a speech at the United Nations, or closing the $5 million deal at work. This is a man, holding his Heavenly Father’s hand, going back into the war zone every day, doing his best for his God and the people God has called him to serve. His courage, perseverance, and effort inspire me, and I am honored to call him my friend.

What have you done lately worthy of such praise? What are you waiting for?

Why I Blog About The Crucible Weekend

Yesterday, Seth Godin’s blog spoke to me. He said:

The goal in blogging/business/inspiring non-fiction is to share a truth, or at least a truth as the writer sees it. To not just share it, but to spread it and to cause change to happen.

I’ve spoken with men who are stuck; I’ve been there. Heck, in some parts of my life I *am* stuck.

I believe in a non-profit ministry that has a great way to get un-stuck: The Crucible Project. They run The Crucible Weekend, a powerful Christian weekend men’s retreat. They have helped me get things moving in my life when I’m stuck. And this works when I have a faith in Jesus, I take responsibility for my choices, and I’m part of a community of men who do the same thing.

I don’t write b/c I’m particularly gifted at it: it’s hard, time-consuming, and has mostly indirect impact (as far as I know). I write b/c men in the Christian church are bored, asleep, punched-out, etc. It is bad for our world, all the way down to our families and ourselves as men.

To be clear: I’m not fishing for pats on the back. Seth wrote something that sparked a fire in me.

Wouldn’t you like a fire of your own?

The Crucible Weekend: Endorsed in a Book!

About 5 weeks ago, I blogged about a post David Murrow made on his blog.

Since then, I’ve discovered that he’s written a new book, “What Your Husband Isn’t Telling You: A Guided Tour of a Man’s Body, Soul, and Spirit”. Based on the title, I was intrigued, and I finally got around to ordering it last week. I’ll be sure to blog about it once I get it & finish reading.

Things got really interesting when I found out from a friend that in his book, Murrow endorses The Crucible Weekend, put on by The Crucible Project. He relates the experience of a dear friend in a compelling way, demonstrating both the power of this men’s weekend retreat and his own skill as a writer.

Check it out for yourself on Amazon. Use the “Look Inside” feature & search for “The Crucible Project” and read for yourself.

The Crucible Weekend: Advice

Here is what I've learned about advice. Yes, you could say it is advice about advice.

Isn't this the truth, most of the time?

• Don't give it. If a man wants your advice, he'll ask for it.
• Don't give it in the form of "Here's what I do when I'm in that situation..." This is really a case of me trying to fix the man, or waiting for my turn to talk. Think about it.
• If it seems a man is looking for advice, I can ask him if that is the case.
• If he is willing, advice can be more powerful in the form of questions, instead of telling. Example: "What do you think would happen if you asked for what you want?"
• When a man trusts me, I may have permission to share with him the data of what I observe. If I'm able to do just that, without the drama & emotional vomiting most people bring, there is power in the purity & simplicity there.
• If a man doesn't trust me, if he doesn't see that I care for him & his life, well...we're both better off if I keep my mouth shut.

Education & Doing What We're Told

I’m a fan of Seth Godin. He recently re-posted about education, and I read his manifesto. Truth be told, it is a series of blog-like thoughts, wrapped around a series of themes. And I devoured it. I was intrigued, and disturbed.

This guy is doing what he was told.

I agree with his premise that our current educational system is designed around control, creating good workers—not good critical thinkers, entrepreneurs, etc.

Upon reflection, I realized that I bought into the line that if I did what I was told, everything would work out. I looked back at some painful, emotional situations and realized that part of what stirred me up was the premise I bought into, and that things weren’t all right. Moreover, if I followed some of these people, things would never be right.

And I thought about my kids, and what they’re learning from me. If I’m honest with myself, I’m teaching them more on obedience than respect, more on step-by-step process than critically evaluating authority, what they’re told, etc. 

And I’m evaluating critically what I believe regarding doing what I’m told & everything will be just fine.

Maybe you’re asking yourself those questions, too. Do you have a trusted inner circle of men who you can call when you’re down & need encouragement? 

If you don’t, or you wonder what that looks like, why not check out The Crucible Weekend. You’ll get support as you evaluate difficult situations, questions, and assumptions in your life. I did, and it made all the difference.

Are you waiting for someone to tell you to go on the weekend? ;)

The Crucible Weekend: I Statements

Use “I” statements.

Not "you" statements.

Last week, I overheard a man say:

You know, when you feel like this you want to do something?

Um, what? Is this you telling me what I do, or you telling me about you, but as if you’re me? What is this person trying to say? Really?

Keep it simple. Own the feelings: I’m angry when this happens, or I was shocked/afraid/delighted at xyz. I won't be offended, because you're talking about yourself, using I statements. It is clear & simple: other people don't need to translate/decode who you're *really* talking about.

Put differently: speak for yourself. Let other men speak for themselves.

The Crucible Weekend: Thinking vs. Feelings, or Story vs. Impact

Tonight's post is the next in a series on communication.

• Guys spend most of their time in their analytical brain. Unfortunately, it seems we socialize men that way, staring very young. Kids who are “sensitive” and show emotion are taught not to express their feelings—or worse, to deny them. This is good for business, but bad, in my opinion, for society at large. 

• Men can spend endless time on the backstory, the details, all sides of the argument, what they’ve tried, etc. And we get nowhere when we do this. We *do* get somewhere when we can identify what we feel, and a few sentences of context around that. THAT allows men (and women) to connect with us.

• Sad Angry Scared Happy Excited Tender Check them out. And you thought angry & sad were the only emotions....

• Asking follow up questions like why usually catapult a man back into his head. It seems like a good idea…until we learn that the very basics of backstory are enough to understand a man where he is. 

More on Courage

On the heels of yesterday’s blog about courage, I saw this image & had a reaction.

'Nuff said

What in my life am I willing to do in order that I may say on my deathbed that I lived well? I don’t mean owning fine things, I mean a life of impact, meaning, and value. I hope my efforts here, at home, in my church stir men to action, healing, and leadership in their homes, jobs, and communities. Impact such that these same men challenge & encourage me to do the same.

Shakespeare said "A coward dies a thousand deaths, but the valiant taste death but once." 

How do you want to be remembered?