Men's Ministry & The Great Commission

This past Friday morning during my prayer time, I found myself coming back to the word commission. It isn't a word I use often, and I felt God put it on my heart. In my experience, when that happens, God has to make it *really* obvious, b/c I'm not the quickest to pick those things up. The context at the time was my prayer around the simultaneous Crucible Project weekend retreats in Wisconsin & Australia, that these men would be commissioned by God by the end of the weekend (which is this afternoon).

The next morning, I participated in a meeting at church. It was really the first of its kind in the history of our church, with the goal of reaching men, getting men more involved. Our pastor read from Jesus' Great Commission as he opened in prayer. It was more than a coincidence: it was over 2 years worth of answered prayer.

There are stirrings of Men's Ministry at my church: men who are stepping up, plans being made, meetings scheduled, etc. We're a diverse group, with different ideas, gifts, & backgrounds. We have a passion for engaging men; we don't aspire to men's breakfasts where the most significant thing is Satan pouring the syrup.

This is truly exciting for our community. As my boys grow, I'd love for them to see men fully alive, mobilized, leading, growing in our community. Yesterday, we made some of the first steps toward that.

Yay, God!

The Crucible Weekend Starts Tonight in Wisconsin & Australia

Today in nearby Wisconsin and halfway around the world in Australia, men are gathering, preparing, praying.

Some are staffing one of these two weekend retreats. Among them are rookie staffers, whose “work” is fresh in their hearts, and on their faces. At least one of them, a friend of mine, is staffing for the first time many years after he went through what is now The Crucible Weekend. There are mid-level staff, who are familiar with the setting & the flow of the weekend. And there, too, are senior staff, the leaders. These are the men who have staffed over and over, who have earned the wisdom they bring. There’s no “Easy-Bake Oven” for men’s work. Men who give up their weekends, hobbies, and no small amount of energy to run these things know there is no substitute for experience. Some of these leaders will assume a heavy mantle of leadership for the entire weekend. There are surprises, even for the senior staff. And that is okay, because, you see, they’ve been tested, over and over. And they rely upon God to show up & do his work through them and all the other men on the weekend. It is a weighty responsibility, and yet I’ve never heard a leader complain about it.

There are other men, too. In fact, nearly as many men as on staff will be attending the weekend, starting tonight. Some arrive broken, troubled on every side. Some arrive proud, convinced they have things all figured out. Some men are fighting with all they have to get there tonight, fighting through fear, trouble at home and/or work, physical issues, car trouble, foul spirits and the like. Some men are going because they hope God will show up. Some men are going, and they’re scared, some bordering on panic. Still others have seen men they know go on the weekend and emerge changed—for the better. These men don’t know how, or why, they just know they want what they saw in the actions & words of a man who had been through. Several years ago, I was one of these men.

It is rare in today’s society that words like honor, service, servant leadership, prayer, and Jesus are all used together. It is even rarer when men in the Christian church do *anything* together. How rare, precious, and inspiring it is when these two things come together on a weekend retreat!

Throughout the day today, and during the weekend, I’ll lift these men up in prayer. Godspeed to you all!

Death & Taxes

Here's another brilliant post by Seth Godin.

If you click the link, you can see a powerful infographic on where the Federal gov't. spends its money.

I'm not trying to start an, ahem, conversation here about budgetary priorities.

Instead, being able to see this data is quite powerful, so you can decide for yourself if the spending matches your understanding...and your values.

As an aside, see how long it takes you to find the biggest circle of spending, including what it is. I'm ashamed at how long and how many viewings it took me.

Are You Prepared?

"School" can start any time. Are you ready?

The other day a friend showed me a quote that I really like:

The reason that God can't use you more than He wants to may well be that you are not prepared.

What are you doing to prepare yourself to be used by God?

• Are you clear on your mission: why God put you here on Earth? 
• Are you hiding from the things that scare you, the things you do but don’t understand? 
• Are you alone in your foxhole, trying to fight your way through life on your own? 
• Do you look back on your youth and wonder how you got to be where you are today?

What would your life be like if you:

• Knew why God put you here—and were working to fulfill His work in you—and in your mission?
• Face the things that scare you and get support from others in understanding & beating those things
• Were part of a community of men, fighting through your fears, challenges, and opposition, in the service of a larger story—God’s redemptive story here on Earth?
• Looked to the future with a sense of wonder & excitement about where God will take you next?

The difference between these two extremes can be as simple as a weekend retreat. Check out the Testimonials on The Crucible Project website. Send me an email or post a question. Ask people to pray for you. Do whatever it takes so you can move from the first group of questions to the second, to a life of significance, meaning, and connection.

What’s keeping you?

Another Statistic

The other day I found out that there’s another divorce in my community. I’m sad for the broken home & scarred lives, as there are kid(s) involved.

My judgment is the husband wasn’t in a community of men who knew him (really knew him) and could challenge him about his choices. I know him, and I did not see this coming: I didn’t make efforts to know him well, or offer him a taste of authentic community.

I don’t know that it would have made a difference. And I *do* know I didn’t make the effort.

What would it be like if we knew each other, challenged each other, and helped each other with our burdens?

I think it is a touch of Heaven right here on Earth.

Fake, Or Don't Believe Everything You Read

I was inspired by another of Seth Godin’s blog posts, this one on fake.

Here are a few excerpts which struck me:

We can leave a trail of wreckage without much thought, especially if we're anonymous…

When we want to hide behind an alias…we do…

Worse, when we want to deceive or lash out, it's easy to do…relationships and even reputations are disposable. We don't have to look you in the eye, it's dark in here, and we're wearing a mask.

My name is on this blog. I thought about using a pseudonym, a nom de plume, and then thought better of it: I don’t plan to write anything that I don’t want next to my name.

I write about things I have experienced, things I have seen with my own eyes. I claim my re-telling of things as my own. I don’t write about things I haven’t been through as though I had been through them. I didn't come up with a clever blog title to impute more credibility.

My issue is how easy it is to lash out, to hide anonymously, lobbing grenades into someone’s life, ministry, or mission. Once the grenade has exploded, there is damage to repair, requiring a great deal of time & effort.  Time and effort spent to rebuild, even if the damage was based on a lie. Or a “partial truth”. It’s easy for someone to anonymously create the wreckage without any data, facts, or evidence. And too often people read something & assume it is true—because why would someone write it if it weren't true?

It is not easy to stand toe-to-toe, have the difficult conversation, identify the miscommunication & misunderstandings—admit when I’m wrong. I do it, though, because it is what men do. Or at least what men *should* do, rather than working hard to convince you that your trust is well-placed in their stories.

Godin ends his post by asking, “Do we really need to add another layer of fake?”

Preach on, brother, preach on.

Fear & Power

I got an email from a friend this morning. He’s a really good man, a guy who knows himself and the work he has yet to do *on* himself. He leads by example, serves others, and is working every day to be his best and make the world a better place.

Years ago he told me a powerful quote from Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Several years ago I printed this out and taped to my computer monitor at work. I keep it there to remind me of these truths.

Here it is as a reminder for all of us.

Troubled on Every Side

A dear friend of mine is “troubled on every side” (2 Corinthians 4:8-10).

He’s fighting the good fight in a dark place. His physical safety is in question. His emotional well being is under daily attack. Things at work for him are dark & foreboding.

It has been 4 years since we set off, as a group, to rally around something greater in our lives: greater impact, greater responsibility, greater “things”. I don’t mean a bigger TV, or a newer car. I mean Kingdom Impact. We got crushed. Hammered. Separated & picked off. And we thought for a while the tide had turned.

He thought God was calling him out of the dark place, and then it all fell apart suddenly, a surprise despite all signals go. Everyone was thunderstruck: him, his wife, the men in our group. I was sad, angry, and confused. I wanted to know why. As I grieved for my friend, not knowing why, I couldn’t escape the feeling that God’s protection or His plan, invisible to us all, was involved. Over a month later, there’s no smoking gun, no scandal, no clear word from God on what happened—we still don’t have any inkling of “why”.

So he prepared to return to the dark place. Counseling, wisdom & support from us (more support than wisdom, I’m sure, but sometimes the blind squirrel finds a nut), and perseverance drive him on. He works in service to God, based on the gifts He has given.

This is the stuff that makes men heroes. It isn’t a big naval battle, or a speech at the United Nations, or closing the $5 million deal at work. This is a man, holding his Heavenly Father’s hand, going back into the war zone every day, doing his best for his God and the people God has called him to serve. His courage, perseverance, and effort inspire me, and I am honored to call him my friend.

What have you done lately worthy of such praise? What are you waiting for?

Why I Blog About The Crucible Weekend

Yesterday, Seth Godin’s blog spoke to me. He said:

The goal in blogging/business/inspiring non-fiction is to share a truth, or at least a truth as the writer sees it. To not just share it, but to spread it and to cause change to happen.

I’ve spoken with men who are stuck; I’ve been there. Heck, in some parts of my life I *am* stuck.

I believe in a non-profit ministry that has a great way to get un-stuck: The Crucible Project. They run The Crucible Weekend, a powerful Christian weekend men’s retreat. They have helped me get things moving in my life when I’m stuck. And this works when I have a faith in Jesus, I take responsibility for my choices, and I’m part of a community of men who do the same thing.

I don’t write b/c I’m particularly gifted at it: it’s hard, time-consuming, and has mostly indirect impact (as far as I know). I write b/c men in the Christian church are bored, asleep, punched-out, etc. It is bad for our world, all the way down to our families and ourselves as men.

To be clear: I’m not fishing for pats on the back. Seth wrote something that sparked a fire in me.

Wouldn’t you like a fire of your own?

The Crucible Weekend: Endorsed in a Book!

About 5 weeks ago, I blogged about a post David Murrow made on his blog.

Since then, I’ve discovered that he’s written a new book, “What Your Husband Isn’t Telling You: A Guided Tour of a Man’s Body, Soul, and Spirit”. Based on the title, I was intrigued, and I finally got around to ordering it last week. I’ll be sure to blog about it once I get it & finish reading.

Things got really interesting when I found out from a friend that in his book, Murrow endorses The Crucible Weekend, put on by The Crucible Project. He relates the experience of a dear friend in a compelling way, demonstrating both the power of this men’s weekend retreat and his own skill as a writer.

Check it out for yourself on Amazon. Use the “Look Inside” feature & search for “The Crucible Project” and read for yourself.

The Crucible Weekend: Advice

Here is what I've learned about advice. Yes, you could say it is advice about advice.

Isn't this the truth, most of the time?

• Don't give it. If a man wants your advice, he'll ask for it.
• Don't give it in the form of "Here's what I do when I'm in that situation..." This is really a case of me trying to fix the man, or waiting for my turn to talk. Think about it.
• If it seems a man is looking for advice, I can ask him if that is the case.
• If he is willing, advice can be more powerful in the form of questions, instead of telling. Example: "What do you think would happen if you asked for what you want?"
• When a man trusts me, I may have permission to share with him the data of what I observe. If I'm able to do just that, without the drama & emotional vomiting most people bring, there is power in the purity & simplicity there.
• If a man doesn't trust me, if he doesn't see that I care for him & his life, well...we're both better off if I keep my mouth shut.

Education & Doing What We're Told

I’m a fan of Seth Godin. He recently re-posted about education, and I read his manifesto. Truth be told, it is a series of blog-like thoughts, wrapped around a series of themes. And I devoured it. I was intrigued, and disturbed.

This guy is doing what he was told.

I agree with his premise that our current educational system is designed around control, creating good workers—not good critical thinkers, entrepreneurs, etc.

Upon reflection, I realized that I bought into the line that if I did what I was told, everything would work out. I looked back at some painful, emotional situations and realized that part of what stirred me up was the premise I bought into, and that things weren’t all right. Moreover, if I followed some of these people, things would never be right.

And I thought about my kids, and what they’re learning from me. If I’m honest with myself, I’m teaching them more on obedience than respect, more on step-by-step process than critically evaluating authority, what they’re told, etc. 

And I’m evaluating critically what I believe regarding doing what I’m told & everything will be just fine.

Maybe you’re asking yourself those questions, too. Do you have a trusted inner circle of men who you can call when you’re down & need encouragement? 

If you don’t, or you wonder what that looks like, why not check out The Crucible Weekend. You’ll get support as you evaluate difficult situations, questions, and assumptions in your life. I did, and it made all the difference.

Are you waiting for someone to tell you to go on the weekend? ;)

The Crucible Weekend: I Statements

Use “I” statements.

Not "you" statements.

Last week, I overheard a man say:

You know, when you feel like this you want to do something?

Um, what? Is this you telling me what I do, or you telling me about you, but as if you’re me? What is this person trying to say? Really?

Keep it simple. Own the feelings: I’m angry when this happens, or I was shocked/afraid/delighted at xyz. I won't be offended, because you're talking about yourself, using I statements. It is clear & simple: other people don't need to translate/decode who you're *really* talking about.

Put differently: speak for yourself. Let other men speak for themselves.

The Crucible Weekend: Thinking vs. Feelings, or Story vs. Impact

Tonight's post is the next in a series on communication.

• Guys spend most of their time in their analytical brain. Unfortunately, it seems we socialize men that way, staring very young. Kids who are “sensitive” and show emotion are taught not to express their feelings—or worse, to deny them. This is good for business, but bad, in my opinion, for society at large. 

• Men can spend endless time on the backstory, the details, all sides of the argument, what they’ve tried, etc. And we get nowhere when we do this. We *do* get somewhere when we can identify what we feel, and a few sentences of context around that. THAT allows men (and women) to connect with us.

• Sad Angry Scared Happy Excited Tender Check them out. And you thought angry & sad were the only emotions....

• Asking follow up questions like why usually catapult a man back into his head. It seems like a good idea…until we learn that the very basics of backstory are enough to understand a man where he is. 

More on Courage

On the heels of yesterday’s blog about courage, I saw this image & had a reaction.

'Nuff said

What in my life am I willing to do in order that I may say on my deathbed that I lived well? I don’t mean owning fine things, I mean a life of impact, meaning, and value. I hope my efforts here, at home, in my church stir men to action, healing, and leadership in their homes, jobs, and communities. Impact such that these same men challenge & encourage me to do the same.

Shakespeare said "A coward dies a thousand deaths, but the valiant taste death but once." 

How do you want to be remembered?

Courage

USS Johnston DD557

I recently read "The Last Stand of the Tin Can Sailors". 

While the major forces of the American navy went after a diversion to the north, early on the morning of October 25, 1944 a powerful Japanese fleet surprised a much smaller American force protecting nascent American gains on Leyte.  

Knowing the carriers he was sworn to protect were in grave danger, Cmdr. Earnest Evans, captain of the USS Johnston, said:

A large Japanese fleet has been contacted. They are fifteen miles away and headed in our direction. They are believed to have four battleships, eight cruisers, and a number of destroyers. This will be a fight against overwhelming odds from which survival cannot be expected. We will do what damage we can.

What a powerful story of courage!

It is as inspiring to me as it is humbling: there are far smaller things I shirk from every day.

Communication: Curiosity & Active Listening

Lately I've been thinking about curiosity & active listening, and how important they are when we communicate.

Curiosity

• Asking open-ended questions, vs. questions with a yes/no answer.
• Seeking to understand the other person. My experiences are usually different from those of others, so it takes time, focus, and effort to understand where another person is coming from, what he means, etc.
• Using my eyes and ears when listening to someone share. I've actually seen someone say yes and shake their head no, unconsciously, in response to a question. Well, truth be told, someone else pointed it out to me. I noticed something, but didn't put it together until another, more observant man pointed it out.

Active Listening

• Is not just for women! Men respond to this, too. People respond positively if I'm showing them I'm paying attention--without hijacking the conversation.
• "What I heard you say was..." is a great way for a person to demonstrate this.
• Back to paying attention & curiosity (above), if you're really paying attention, you might find someone contradicting what s/he said earlier. In my men's group, we often call each other out on things like this.
• "You say regularly that quality family time is important, but you just told me you avoid conversations with your wife about the calendar. How will quality family time happen if you avoid scheduling it?" Busted! This is one of the countless blessings my family has received when I've been called out for things I say which contradict each other.

Are you genuinely curious about what your spouse is saying? Really?

What about community? Do you have a small group of people who *know* you, who listen well, care for you, and listen--really listen--to what you say? If the answer is no, why not? Groups of emotionally adept people are out there. Sure, it's risky & bumpy

What's in the way of taking the risk & make the effort to be a better listener to your friends, spouse, customers, & children?

The Crucible Weekend: Communication 101

Tonight's post is about communication, the first in a series.

If you think about it, this is true.

One thing that is hard for people, particularly men, to do is be present in the moment. I wake up, and over coffee, my to-do list takes off like it is attached to a rocket booster. It is hard to fight the G-force when the kids wake up and demand (and merit) my attention instead. It's hard to leave my agenda aside & listen & focus on what is going on in their worlds first thing in the morning. 

Here are a few tips I've compiled from men who have gone before me.

Don't

• Just wait for my turn to talk
• Go somewhere else in my mind: work, home, play--whatever is going on other than right there, right then.
• Think about how I can solve your problem

Do

• What the other person's body language for clues
• Listen to understand
• Work hard to connect with the other person: their feelings, their situation.

I find this works well, for both men & women. People really like to be heard, not told what to do like freshmen at football practice. When someone is busy telling me what I should do in my life, I find it hard to bite back invective, because that person usually hasn’t taken time to know me. Often, they're busy telling me my story--incorrectly.

Are you present, really present in your conversations with other people? What if you were as present as you could be—wouldn’t your relationships be different?

If this is intriguing or hard to grasp, take a step of faith, a risk, and check out The Crucible Project. These men know how to listen, how to be present in the moment. They're willing to listen, model, and teach you this, and many other skills. And you just might change your life.

Who knows? You might learn something meaningful about someone else. 

The Crucible Weekend: Fear & Treasure

I saw a post on Facebook the other day with a quote that I loved:

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. –Joseph Campbell

The cave you fear holds the treasure you seek. 

Now Campbell wasn’t a Christian (far from it), and I have not read anything he wrote, except the quote above.

However, his quote rings true, not just in my mind; in my heart as well. I know well the times God has whispered for me to take on a challenge, and I’ve dug in my heels, fighting/begging Him to not make me do that. I know I distract myself with “busy-ness” sometimes to keep from going to the deep dark places in my life.

I don’t naturally trust other people there: there’s too much risk. And I’ve learned, over time, how to be trustworthy & intentional when navigating deep, dark places—my own & those which belong to others.

It takes practice, encouragement, support, and the occasional dose of tough love. Men who have gone there with God can be His hands & feet, my brothers along the way.

I learned how to be transparent on The Crucible Weekend. I saw men who were emotionally adept, supportive without being sissies, strong but not bullies. They set the bar high & led by example. All of them led by example.

If you’re honest with yourself, you have at least one cave to which Campbell refers. You could spend your whole life running from that cave, swatting God’s hand away as He offers to walk with you in there, to heal & transform you.

Maybe you have children, or a wife. What example do you want to be for them/her? Do you want to avoid the work involved, deny it, ignore it? The people closest to you know. No matter how well you hide, they know whether you’ve taken the risk or not. You can tell an initiated man from all other men: there's a look in a man's eyes. No matter how many more times they have to go back to that cave (or other ones), they’ve at least done it once.

Don’t you owe it to yourself to have gone there, to show you’re man enough to go to a place that scares you to death? Think of how the rest of your life would look *after* facing the fear of that cave!

God is waiting to heal, grow, and teach you. There’s a group of men out there, The Crucible Project, and they’re ready to equip you for that adventure. You must do the work yourself; you do *not* have to do it alone. We have gear for trips like this; you don’t have to make your own torch out of a stick, tar, & cloth anymore.

Pull out your calendar & find a date that works for you. Sign up & take the first step in embracing the treasure in your life, not fearing and hiding from it.

Telling a Man His Story

Sometimes, in the confusion & pain that is my story, I lose sight of everything but myself. I revert to my childish, selfish, toddler nature, where others are there to meet my needs. And whoa, if they don’t, then they’re to blame: for my unhappiness, for what is missing in my life, for what is there but I *wish* were missing in my life.

I recently watched a man tell *another* man his story. To be clear, "Mark" told "Jim" what happened in "Jim's" life, what he did/didn't get, etc.. "Mark", the “teller” got the whole thing wrong. Entirely. He couldn’t have been more wrong if he sat down, did research, & planned it out.

In most circles of men, this firebombs a relationship: neighbors stop talking, churches splinter, families are broken. In a circle of initiated men, we are privy to something that seems abstract, yet is essential: it’s not about me.

In a circle of initiated men, the “teller” above is called out—not to punish, shame, or put down. Think of it as calling “shenanigans”. It is the teller’s opportunity to learn something—and the other men have the opportunity to learn something about themselves: do I tell other people their story?

In writing this, I realized I tell others their story. People close to me. Ouch: that’s not who I want to be.

Who knows your story? Who really knows you?

If someone telling you your story would set you off, and you are intrigued by what I described above, check out The Crucible Weekend. It’s run by The Crucible Project. They do a great job teaching what authentic Biblical community is, what it isn’t, and how to practice it. 

You’ll have the opportunity to learn it isn’t really all about you. 

And you’ll also have the opportunity to be surprised when some things are about you—even when you thought they weren’t.