Crucible Project Cult? Part 11 of 13: People Not Process

Today's exploration of cult behaviors:
11) They sometimes focus too much on structural self-awareness techniques and misplace the goal of democratic education; as a result participants may learn more about themselves and less about group process.

This aspect of cult behavior doesn't apply to TCP either, for several reasons.
First & foremost, TCP focuses *more* on democratic education than "structural self-awareness techniques".

• In my mind, focusing too much on "structural self-awareness techniques" means teaching & practicing behaviors over & over during the weekend. The weekend is an experiential weekend for participants, not a training course on how to run the weekend.
• I've blogged about how staff on the weekends are empowered to speak up, that leadership is treated as an honor & responsibility.
• Staff understand (and are taught) that what men "get" on the weekend is unique & personal. The process/schedule involved is the means to the end, not the end in itself.

The second part of this: participants learn more about themselves and less about group process.
Um, that's pretty much the point. My previous post went through the self-described goals of the weekend as published on the TCP site.

I think the intent here is about how true cults operate, in that participants in cults are kept isolated from understanding the group processes in which they participate. This just isn't so. Once men complete the weekend, any man can apply to staff.

In fact, by the end of the weekend, the rationale behind the flow of the weekend makes sense to participants. As I blogged before, what happens on the weekend is confidential, not a secret. There really is a difference.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 10 of 13: Real Agenda

Now for the next installment of whether The Crucible Project is a cult:
10) They sometimes ignore stated goals, misrepresent their actual techniques, and obfuscate their real agenda.

Ignore Stated Goals?
Let's start with them, straight from the site.

We sponsor THE CRUCIBLE WEEKEND, a life changing experience that is designed to challenge men of faith to go deep to discover new levels of truth about themselves. We give men an opportunity to wrestle with God over issues in their lives. Finally, we invite men to embrace their God-given masculinity and live at new levels of authenticity, passion and power.

I see three stated goals
1) discover new levels of truth about themselves
2) wrestle with God
3) embrace God-given masculinity & live at new levels of authenticity, passion, & power

1) New Levels of Truth
As I've blogged before, there are activities on the weekend which foster growth, introspection, and looking at things from a different perspective, with new tools. The staff may ask the questions; each man, in close partnership with God, digs into the truth about his life.

2) Wrestling with God
My three children *love* to wrestle with their Dad. It's playful, physical, fun. It's a place where they learn things, like hitting & biting are not wrestling. They also learn what "cheap shots" are, and that they're not okay. They learn new techniques, team up with their siblings, and we laugh and have a good time. There's almost always something someone learns during or after, and we have a quick debrief at the end, to reinforce things like don't throw pillows at the ceiling fan in Mom & Dad's room. :) When I went on my Crucible Weekend, I was afraid about what "wrestle with God" meant. In my experience, it is similar to wrestling with my kids:

• I can't really beat God, just like my kids can't beat me (yet--they're still little)
• I learn new techniques & team up with others, just like when my kids join their siblings in wrestling me
• I don't get hurt/wounded in the process, just like I don't let my kids get hurt (bumps sometimes happen; no ER trips-yet)
• I learn something new each time, just like I mentioned above
• When it is over, I'm glad I did it, just like my kids are

3) Embracing God-Given Masculinity
This is important, in a world where men in media are henpecked, dimwits, the butt of the jokes, selfish, or cruel. The weekend looks at the Bible to define masculinity in God's eyes, with Jesus as an example. Acknowledging & embracing the truth about my life can be scary; it is also refreshing & rewarding. What if you weren't afraid of how you sized up with other men? What if you realized that men have a lot more in common than you were taught? What if?

The Crucible Project: No Trap

Misrepresent Actual Techniques?
I argue there is no misrepresentation; in fact there is very little representation at all! As I blogged before here and here, sometimes men blanch at not knowing what will happen on the weekend. I can understand being uncomfortable with the mystery. Have you read the testimonials?

Sometimes it seems like things are being misrepresented when in fact they're not.

Right out of college, I was a high school history teacher. Most of my peers "reviewed" with the students the day before the test: paraphrasing the questions which would be asked on the test the next day. My approach was different. I opened every class asking if there were questions, & did not provide a study guide or "review" the day before the test. I was consistent: I never "reviewed" for the test like my peers, and I told my students I wouldn't. Instead, I challenged my students to *think* about what they read, considering what was important, why we spent time discussing & reading things since the last test. I offered to provide the context for their learning if they had questions, but I didn't give answers to test questions the day before the test.

Isn't that how life is?

And yet, to teenagers, that is the bait-and-switch. My students' peers passed the time until the day before the test. There was a hue & cry about how things were different, unannounced, in some ways harder. I understand: who doesn't want an easy grade? But life isn't a high school test. There are fewer "easy" things for adults, even fewer are spelled out for us. To an adolescent, it seemed unfair, misleading, disingenuous, traitorous...

As adults, we can see the difference between purposeful duplicity and creating an environment where people can assimilate knowledge and experience in ways meaningful to them. The former is what cults do, the latter is what happens on a Crucible Project Weekend.

Obfuscate Real Agenda?
If you've read my blog entries through this one, you'll have seen that the Crucible Project Weekend is not a cult of personality, an MLM scheme, or a mind control gimmick.

Could it be The Crucible Project is what it says, that there is no conspiracy, cult, black helicopter, or other nefarious thing hiding in the shadows? I'd say so.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 9 of 13: Critical Thinking

Now for the 9th installment of 13:

9) They sometimes devalue critical thinking in favor of "experiencing" without self-analysis or reflection.

Thinking (and emotional literacy) Welcome

This doesn't fit at all; critical thought is not discouraged. In fact, there are opportunities throughout the weekend for critical thinking. Men aren't pushed or pulled into "experiencing"; this isn't a rave. As I've blogged before, all exercises are what I call "challenge by choice": a man can elect to not participate. So much for devaluing critical thinking in favor of experiencing.

Many men I know spend lots of time in their heads, analyzing problems. How many men can identify their real feelings when asked? I'm not suggesting the weekend is namby-pamby land; I am saying that most men I know have a hard time identifying what they feel. Having some base literacy there is essential, in my opinion, to living & communicating with other people, especially women and children.

The weekend encourages & provides opportunities for self-reflection. If you're skeptical, ask someone who has attended a weekend, or stop by a graduation ceremony & listen to what the men have to say.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 8 of 13: Encouraging Impulsive Behavior?

Tonight, part 8 of 13 in my series about whether or not The Crucible Project weekend retreats exhibit cult behavior.

8) They sometimes foster impulsive personality styles and behavioral strategies

Lemmings: Great imagery for the blog, not the model for The Crucible Project

I can understand how this is a fearful aspect of cults: getting members to "follow the herd" and do things they would not normally do, like giving up assets, doing things in which they would not normally participate.

The second part about fostering impulsive behavioral strategies indicates a longer term strategy around inducing impulsive behavior. Neither of these are true in The Crucible Project; in fact, there are specific efforts to counter what I believe is a natural human tendency. Let me explain.

Impulsive Personality Styles
As I noted in an earlier post, TCP represents a diverse slice of the male population: theologically (albeit all Christian), culture, language, location, vocation, marital status, etc.  There is no effort to get men to conform themselves into the image, habits, personality, or decision making process of any one man. The model man portrayed on the weekend is Jesus. The focus is not on being a clone of Greg Huston, or anyone else but Jesus; rather, the focus is on each man growing closer to God & becoming the man God created him to be, in line with the principles outlined in the Bible. Regarding my two examples above:

1. Men are not rewarded for a specific personality style or behavior on the weekend. There is no incentive to be anything other than authentic, which can be a challenge in and of itself. The weekends are "challenge by choice" (my term), and even then allow for differences among men.
2. There is no time-share style presentation, hitting men up for additional money before the weekend is over. There are no efforts whatsoever to get men to spend, buy, or obligate themselves for further financial commitments.

Impulsive Behavioral Strategies
In the first part of this post, I spoke of what I believe to be a natural human tendency, and that TCP works to counterbalance those. First, the natural human tendency. When I've been struggling with a problem for a long time and I finally get a crack in the case, some insight, a revelation, I'm excited. Coupling that with my natural tendency towards action often looks "impulsive". People who know me agree: I have made impulsive decisions. I've talked with other men about this specific scenario and they agree that many of them feel the urge to take action after uncovering new insights about a longstanding problem.

One time early in my career I found strange things happening at work, and the atmosphere became downright toxic. I worked to adapt what I could, to try new approaches, to work more hours--even though I had a sinking suspicion something larger was wrong. One morning senior management made a series of decisions and I figured out the issue...and that I needed to look for a new job. I was still employed, but the "writing on the wall" was clear. I *could* have made an "impulsive" decision and resigned on the spot: morale was bad, the culture was toxic, and I had new powerful insight about what was going on. In addition, I had savings, rented an apartment, and no dependents, so why not jump? Instead I waited for a time, sought wise counsel, etc. before acting. Though my decision to wait doesn't make for a story of boldness at parties, it was the right call. Why? Because big decisions like resigning, made on the spot when my emotions run high, are rarely wise.

Had I made such a "discovery" over the course of a Crucible Project Weekend, I would have received wise counsel about the urge I felt to go change some things about my job on Monday. I know I'm not providing much in the way of details; I choose to honor my commitment to confidentiality. Sure, I could have "stuck it to the man" and had a bold story to tell. TCP is about the larger story of God's work in my life, family, church, and community. Big decisions have ripple effects well beyond a snap decision and cavalier attitude.

The leaders of The Crucible Project understand men, their struggles, responsibilities, and commitments. Like guides on a dark, narrow path, they use wisdom and patience to lead from the front, rather than hype and hurry to push from the rear. Cult leaders don't do that, because they're out for themselves instead of being out for their followers.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 7 of 13: Total Exposure & Manipulation?

Now I'll look at cult behavior #7 & whether it is consistent with what I've seen on The Crucible Project weekend retreats.

7) They sometimes teach the covert value of total exposure instead of valuing personal differences.
I see this statement as three things:

1. Total exposure
2. Covert manipulation of others once they reveal themselves
3. Cults don't value personal differences

I have seen none of these three things on Crucible Project weekend retreats.

No explanation necessary.

*I've wanted to use this image for quite a while. I know it is very junior high of me, and I'm doing it anyway.

Total Exposure & Manipulation?
I know a man who is asks thoughtful, probing questions. He's honest about his own failings, challenges, & struggles. However, he has a very hard time respecting other people's "no" in the face of his questions. You might say he repeatedly tests my ego defenses. After several difficult interactions with this man, I went to a mutual friend for advice on how to deal with this man's persistence. Our mutual friend said that this man "…wants everyone to live emotionally naked. Most people just aren't up for that all the time." That persistence & disregard for boundaries is total exposure.

That's not what happens on the weekend, for three reasons.

1. As I said in an two earlier posts, here and here, each man is responsible for what he chooses to share. I don't judge what a man chooses to share nor does anyone compel him to share something different/more/make up something different. That's not authentic, it is coercion--and it is not at all what the weekend is about. Period.
2. There's a common value of confidentiality regarding what happens on the weekend. What is said there stays there. I blogged earlier about the difference between secrecy and confidentiality.
3. The covert value of total exposure. Sounds pretty sinister, huh? It certainly could be. It doesn't happen with The Crucible Project. I've shared some pretty deep, dark, difficult things on the weekends I've been on, as participant & staff. When men talk with me about what they've seen, it is about how they can relate, what they "got" from being a part of it. Nobody is confirming details or checking facts. Phones are secured elsewhere. We're off the grid. And maintaining confidentiality, as I've noted above & elsewhere, is essential throughout the weekend.

Personal Differences
Have you ever stood in a group of men & looked around? What about a group of Christian men? The subset & the larger group reveal the same thing: men are different. We look different on the outside, have different families of origin, different wounds, etc. Having said that, there are issues, questions, & key components of God's design for men which are common across all men.

These differences & commonalities are in constant tension. Both show up on the weekend. First, the common themes. The Crucible Project weekend retreats are for men, specifically those who call themselves Christians.

Differences are welcome and embraced on the weekend. Differences of race, ethnicity, language, & religious upbringing, for example, are some of the more visible ones. If you went on a weekend, or talked with someone who has, you'd find out that staff are also different from one another. I argue that a true cult would want cookie-cutter images of the same persona staffing, rather than diversity in any way. Check out the TCP Board of Directors: they're not all from the same church, state, Bible college, etc. I've also blogged about how staff disagreements are handled with integrity, instead of autocratic punishment or mindless adherence to a leader.

Another key assumption of the weekend is in fact that each man's work, like his walk with God, is different. That's why there's no published schedule, why it is an experiential weekend instead of a PowerPoint slide deck or list of practices, etc. I address these in an earlier post as well.

The weekend isn't total exposure, covert manipulation, or pushing aside individual differences. That may happen on other weekends out there, but not at a TCP weekend. And that is no B.S.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 6 of 13: Ego Defense

Ego Defenses Allowed!

This post tackles the next behavior attributed to cults:

6) They sometimes ignore the necessity and utility of ego defenses

I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, so I can't provide a scholarly examination of this. When I checked this out on Wikipedia, it tells me that people, including me, make up things to maintain a healthy self-image. Well of course I make up things to maintain a healthy self-image! In my mind, I'm not 20# heavier than high school, I'm a great husband, etc. Of course I do this stuff--just ask my wife. I do it, and so does everyone else. And I know why I do it (in a general, self-help kind of way).

In my life, I've had plenty of these ego defences some up against hard realities. Some of the most valuable words spoken to me by friends have been to call me out on those things. One time several years ago, a good friend named David told me that he was sad for me and my son. He told me that he kept hearing me talk about the problems we were struggling with, how I wanted to fix it/change…but I didn't change. He said he was sad because he'd been there with his Dad, having the same struggles. He knew how he was wounded, and he wanted more for me & my son. More than that, he said he believed I was sincere in my desire, but that he hadn't seen the change I'd been committed to for months. What he said stung because he was right.

He didn't tear me to shreds, assault my ego defense, or try to change me. He did remind me, in a gentle and firm way, how my words & deeds were not aligned. And he asked me which was more important. He walked with me as I went about figuring out what was in the way, and set about making important changes.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 5 of 13: Relationships

Now for episode 5 of 13 in my examination of The Crucible Project and whether it exhibits aspects of a cult.

5) They sometimes foster inappropriate patterns of relationships.
To me, "inappropriate patterns" mean emotional, sexual, or financial exploitation. These are pretty serious, so I'll address them one by one.

Emotional

Crucible Project: Emotionally
Healthy Relationships

In my experience, TCP is about creating a safe place for men to be honest with each other and themselves about their lives. Still, each man is responsible for what he chooses as safe to share. While this level  of vulnerability may seem scary to some people, this honesty isn't designed to emotionally vomit on others, nor is it about making comparisons to rank sins or justify wrong behaviors. When I'm staffing, I'm  there to serve the participants and to stand with other staff men to support participants emotionally.

Sexual
Most importantly, there is no sex on the weekend. Period. Boy, that is edgy to write, probably freaks out somebody, probably makes somebody mad. I'm walking a fine line here in terms of what does/does not happen on the weekend. But I write it because that little three letter word can be a powerful, painful mess in the lives of many men. In fact, many types of issues come up, including sex. The goal is to help men explore these barriers in a trusting environment.  In fact, realizing how volatile and powerful this little word can be in a man's life, TCP dedicates an entire separate weekend to examine the role of healthy sexuality in our lives. It's about examining perspectives, not about experimenting on people.



TCP: Not About Money

Financial
As I said before, I'm not paid to staff. Not by TCP, not by staff men directly. I don't get tips, gifts in kind, or any financial or other remuneration. I've done some impressive (for me) things on a weekend, but nobody has ever offered to pay me. (You can't see it, but I'm laughing at myself as I write about how I've done impressive things worth being pad on the weekend.) Even if someone offered to pay me for staffing, I'd refuse. That is not why I staff; I address that here. I don't invite men to weekends to I can grow my business or get them to be indebted to me financially. I don't know any man who does that (or would even consider it). The weekend comes up when men ask me or I invite them, and the basis is our relationship, my story, or what I "got" from my weekend.

When I hear men talk about the weekend, or who invited/told them something about TCP, I don't hear tales of payback. Instead, I hear tales of men who want to pay it forward--sharing what they "got" with other men they know, wanting to see that great benefit in the lives of their friends. In my opinion, that is about authentic friendship, not an inappropriate pattern of relationship.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 4 of 13: Authenticity & Reality

The next characteristic of cult behavior I'll examine: 

4) They sometimes foster pseudo-authenticity and pseudo-reality

Um, pesudo-what?

Pseudo is so….specific.

Authenticity

Authentic? Ask a man who has attended the weekend.

Staff share from their hearts on the weekend. The men I know well have been truthful when sharing,

whether as staff or participants. I've been authentic on weekends when I've attended and I'm challenged to share authentically when I see other men tell me the truth, even when the want to say something dishonest in order to look good. In my mind, that is authentic, not pseudo-authentic.

There's no incentive for pseudo-reality (a.k.a. making things up). I heard a friend say years ago that making things up is too much work for weak emotional theater. 

Reality

This isn't mind control; there is no pseudo-reality involved. The sky is still blue (well, gray in Chicago most of the time), there are no aliens, drugs, or mind-altering substances involved on the weekend. While I know some Crucible Project guys who know a lot about science & physics, they're not trying to bend those things on the weekend. Really.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 3 of 13: Responsibility

Responsibility isn't really dangerous,
it's scary at first.

This post addresses the next behavior: 

3) They lack clearly defined responsibility.  

The weekend doesn't just "happen", nor is it led by one person:  there are many people involved. I wrote about leadership, supervision, and training in an earlier post. Each staffer knows his responsibilities for the weekend. Staff also know who the overall leaders are, as well as the leaders who are responsible for particular parts of the weekend. As a staff man, I have a clear information about my roles & responsibilities. During the weekend there are regular meetings to assess progress &  performance. There are many opportunities for me to get clarity and coaching on my responsibilities, both before & during a weekend.

A wise friend of mine is a teacher. He had an epiphany a year or so ago that is relevant here. He realized that he's not responsible for his students, he's responsible to them. He's not responsible for their scores, effort, focus, or grades. Instead, he's responsible to them in terms of being prepared for the lesson, continuing to grow as a teacher, taking care of himself physically, etc. The Crucible Project staff are all about being responsible to the weekend, the participants, to God, and to each other. This comes in the form of prayer, preparation, focus, etc. We're wise enough to know that we're not responsible for each man, what specifically & uniquely what God has in store for them on the weekend (or in their lives), or for their decisions.

I'd say responsibility here is very clearly defined. Wouldn't you?

Crucible Project Cult? Part 2 of 13: Supervision and Training

The training is way better than
my graphics skills. Way. Better.

The next behavior common to cults is:
2) They lack reliable norms, supervision, and adequate training for leaders

The Crucible Project (TCP) runs multiple specific training sessions to develop staff.

For initial weekends at least (I've not staffed a 2nd level weekend), staff arrive on site early; part of this time is dedicated to training and preparation for the weekend. There is a great deal of focus, time, & energy spent to make sure staff understand the roles, process, flow, concepts, and intent of each piece of the weekend. There are multiple staff meetings throughout the weekend as well. This preparation is consistent across the weekends I've staffed.

In terms of leadership, there are very experienced leaders running the weekend. Note the plural: leaders, not just one. They provide experienced oversight throughout the weekend. The mantle of leadership here is not taken lightly, nor followed blindly. Staff are empowered to speak truth to power. I have seen men challenge leaders. The men's concerns were addressed in the open, the group moved on as a team. There was no punishment for speaking up, no banishment, etc.

To me, this information refutes point #2 of 13. 

It also speaks to an authentic servant leadership rarely seen elsewhere.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 1 of 13: Participant Selection

There are several places on the web which define & seek to "out" cultish groups. I've read their message boards & postings, and my judgement is that these are not places for conversations or dialog (inasmuch as can be had on a message board). I've seen people challenge the labeling of groups as cults, only to be shouted down, ridiculed, etc. I'm open to respectful dialog & difficult questions. I'm not up for vitriol. 'nuff said.

I've written enough now to begin walking through 2 separate definitions of cultism, and how The Crucible Project does *not* meet those criteria. The first is a list of 13 behaviors that are usually found in cults, specifically what are called mass marathon training or large group awareness training; the second is a shorter list. This is the first of 13 behaviors.

Crucible Project: Adequate Selection Criteria

1) They lack adequate participant selection criteria

I went to TCP because I had heard about what they did and I wanted what they talked about on the site. I know men who have attended because they know another man who did attend, and the change in that man was something worth going after. I'd say that is pretty *good* selection criteria.

There is no MLM scheme here! I do not get any financial or leadership benefit based on referrals. I don't get a cut, kick-back, or any financial remuneration for staffing. I don't get any gifts in kind instead of cash from The Crucible Project, either. Participant selection isn't based on personal financial gain. In addition, The Crucible Project is a not-for-profit organization. Really.

In addition, I had a phone conversation with a senior staffer between signing up for the weekend and leaving town for the weekend. There's no coercion, no aggressive recruitment here. This directly refutes this aspect of cultism/MMT/LGAT. 

When I think about participant selection, this is the image I think of.

Carpooling To The Crucible Project Weekend Retreat

I like control, so most of the places I go, I do the driving. I've had the benefit of carpooling to the Crucible Project Weekend retreat as both participant & staff. 

On the way to my initial TCP weekend, I traveled with three other men. I did part of the driving; it wasn't my car. I was nervous about what to expect for the weekend, and my fear of the unknown was heightened by not having my keys & my car at my disposal. The big deal for me was control. And in ways I did not understand until later, changing the way I usually do things (in this case, not driving my own car) and being out of my comfort zone were part of setting the stage for me for the rest of the weekend. 

In some ways, the carpool issue parallels a larger social/societal trend as well as my own life. How often do you see Christian men (or any men) spending time together in close quarters? How much time do I spend alone in my car, or my life, when I could be in community with other men? Quite a bit, truth be told. So men who don't know each other are challenged to ride together and "make" conversation. And when the weekend ends, men ride back to their lives. The conversation on the way back is remarkably different, from a different place, with different language, honesty, & transparency. My ride home from my initial TCP weekend was a debrief, a reflection, a series of "ah-ha" moments men had on the weekend and shared willingly with others in the car. Transformation.

Why carpool? For sure, the logistics of getting 70-80 vehicles (participants & staff) in a parking lot are made a lot easier if the number of vehicles is cut by half or more. There's an environmental boost by ride sharing. It gives Christian men a "bookend" experience on the weekend: two very different levels of community, conversation, sharing. It offers us a chance to look inward when we're stirred up, to reflect on what is going on. There's no harm in that; it is a skill worth practicing.

Crucible Project: A Godly Greeting?

As I was re-reading my post about iron sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:17), I remembered hearing speculation that the greeting for the weekend was not Biblical. I disagree, and will do my best to walk a fine line here by addressing the issue as best I can, while honoring my commitment to confidentiality.

2 Cor 13:12 instructs us to "Greet each other with Christian love"

1 Thess 5:26 is similar, "Greet all the brothers & sisters with Christian love"

How is this compatible with Proverbs 27:17? How may I greet another Christian man with Christian love, and promote iron sharpening iron? Again, is this greeting Biblical?

What if in my greeting of this man, I set the foundation as iron sharpening iron? Does that mean I don't care for this man as a brother in Christ? I would argue it does not. A wise friend once told me that the best friends are the ones who love you the way you are, and love you too much to let you stay that way. The intent isn't manipulative, that they'll make you into who they want you to be. Instead, it is they'll challenge & encourage your growth, rather than encouraging your stagnation.

Have you ever been in a social situation where someone was very quiet & didn't provide much in the way of verbal affirmation? What if that person provided little in the way of non-verbal communication? When that happens to me, I turn inward & start guessing at what the other person might be thinking or feeling. My guesses have a lot to do with my own feelings & emotional state, and little to do with the other person. My guesses may or may not be in line with the Bible, and don't have any bearing on whether the Crucible Project weekend is Biblical or not.

What if it is true that iron sharpening iron and greeting each other with Christian love are not only compatible, but the focused intent, based on scripture?

The Crucible Weekend Bible Verse: Iron Sharpening Iron

Iron Sharpening Iron

Iron *does* sharpen iron

Proverbs 27:17 is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. For years I was told how great it would be to be considered a "nice" guy. Nice, a word not in the Bible. Nice, meaning someone who doesn't make other people uncomfortable. That's not me. I'm not a wallflower or a doormat; I'm direct. What does this have to do with the Crucible Weekend? The weekend isn't there to be "nice", to make men "comfortable". 

The verse spells out that men sharpen each other. On the weekend, I learned that men can have conflict, that sparks can fly, and the relationship can be maintained, even strengthened. I was afraid of conflict with other men for most of my life. I had not seen how that conflict, handled in the right way, can help both men learn something about themselves, and each other. And the conflict doesn't result in shattered relationships, hard feelings, bitterness, and anger. Put another way, the sparks flying during this "sharpening" put a finer edge on the metal, they don't have to burn down the community. What happens when men learn & practice these things? It is transformational to them, their families, their communities, their churches.

Is the weekend a series of men sharpening each other? Yes. Is the weekend a recurring loop of men yelling at each other, a cauldron of interpersonal conflict & discord? Not at all. Did I get angry on my weekend? You bet. Did sparks fly? Sure. Did anyone get hurt physically or emotionally? Nope. Did other men get angry (or experience other emotions) when I did? Yes. And we worked it out, and we were better for it. Really. If this seems absurd, esoteric, or impossible, ask a man who has attended the weekend. He'll tell you his story. Check it out.

Sparks flying for me sounds like anger; there's more to it than that. The TCP weekend for me was the full spectrum of emotions: sad, angry, scared, happy, excited, tender (SASHET, as they're called). Sometimes sparks fly as the anger (rust) is knocked off the iron, revealing other emotions underneath. When I did my TCP weekend, I did a lot of grief work. There were sparks earlier which allowed me to get to the sadness & loss. It was a safe place to grieve, and that is an important point: grief and tenderness don't come out when surrounded by anger. 

I'm willing to touch these emotions in a place which is safe: where people are authentic about their emotions, where honesty is the standard, judgement is suspended, and God is at the center. And that is what I see on the weekend. 

You can see the Bible verses which guide the vision, mission, and values of TCP here. 

Crucible Project Weekend Retreat: What it is about

Wednesday night after work I drove to a meeting room in another town. What I saw there represents the Crucible Project weekend very well.

• I saw men talking of their brokenness, what they learned, and how they're different. since the weekend.
• I saw women honoring their men for the courage they had, the battle they faced, and the change they've manifested since their return from the weekend.
• I saw friends of participants celebrating the courage, dedication, and transformation of their friends.
• I saw a humble group of men who staffed the weekend honored for their service by participants & witnesses.
• I saw weekend leaders honoring the staff, the participants, and their families for their preparation, hard work, and blessings. And the leaders took nothing for themselves.

Truths were spoken, tears were shed. Grand promises were avoided. Men understand the change with the most impact is the one spoken in confidence to brothers for accountability, and demonstrated without fanfare to those they love, on Tuesdays and Wednesday nights, and the rest of the week.

Crucible Project Retreat No Greg Huston Cult

No Greg Huston picture in my wallet.

The Crucible Project weekend retreats are not a "cult of personality". Greg Huston is no Kim Jong-il. I don't have pictures of him in my wallet, or in my home. We don't have pictures of him on the weekends. He doesn't run around on weekends or staff meetings with people hanging on his every word. He's not a megalomaniac feared by everyone. People don't run around saying things like, "Greg said this" or "We can't do anything without Greg", or "*I* got to spend some time meeting with Greg today".

The reality is much different. First a disclaimer: I'm not a close confidante of Greg. I know him, & he knows me, but I haven't been in a small group with him, I'm not on the Board of Directors for The Crucible Project, etc. So I'm not speaking with authority or inside knowledge of who he is at his core. 

What I can say is that in my interactions with him, he's a humble, smart, wise, honest, hard-working guy who cares very much for the hearts of Christian men. He isn't at every retreat, and the focus when he is there is not on him at all. As I said in my post yesterday, staff are very focused on listening to the Holy Spirit & getting guidance there. Greg isn't hands-off: he has ideas on how he'd like things done, and a lot of experience to back up those ideas. He knows this work isn't about him: it's about men, community, the healing power of God & the whispers of the Holy Spirit.

That doesn't sound like a cult to me. Because it isn't.

The Crucible Project Weekend Retreat: A Summary

Wow. Just wow.

A good friend from my men’s group emailed me today to see how things went. He prayed for me, the staff, and the participants this weekend, and wanted to hear how things went. My response was:

I'm in awe at the excellence & commitment I saw by the staff, humbled by the brokenness, excited by the change I saw, inspired by having a front row seat to God working in men's lives, and filled up with love after the whole thing.

The preparation began months ago with staff meetings, prayers, paperwork, and administrative tasks. We arrived on site and spent a day getting ready: preparing the site, praying, rehearsing, ironing out wrinkles in the plan, making sure everyone knew what to do. Leaders repeatedly counseled the staff to remember that this weekend requires God’s presence & direction. They wisely told us of the natural pitfalls, thinking that we as a team might start to believe “we’ve got this”. The truth is we’re the foot solders, who need to listen closely for God’s still, small voice.

All of a sudden, we were off & running with the men showing up on Friday night. By the time the trailer was loaded & I was riding home with a friend, it seemed time had accelerated, only to slow down again until I slid into bed that night. I could have used a little more sleep this morning. J

So what happened? I got to see men on staff work their tails off to make sure the participants got what they came for. To a man, they did. And most of them would tell you the weekend was not what they expected. And yet it was, in a way, what I expected: courageous, emotionally skilled men serving in the army of God, aiding their fellow men. Not for glory, riches, political gain, or social status. We served men because others served us, because we believe we’re called to the work, and because our families realize it is good for us, and them, if we do this.

I had a front row seat while men wrestled with God about important things. I breathed the breath of life with other men, helping them learn things that other men in their lives did not/could not teach them. The tragedy, brokenness, pain, and suffering these men experienced left me broken and humbled. Their courage, faith, strength and gratitude inspired me.

I "got" more than I expected.

In another post, I spoke of what I “got” on my weekend. This weekend I got:

• Gratitude to the leaders for giving me the chance to staff & give back, and affirmation that I did a good job
• Months worth of answered prayer, reminders of God’s power, sovereignty, humor, and love for people—all in a few days.
• A window into my own anger, how toxic it can be for my family, and a vision for how things can really be peaceful in my house
• A powerful tenderness for my wife and three children. Being away from them elevated my sense for how much I love each of them & missed them while I was out of town.
• Increased passion for staffing and sharing the experience with other men I know & care about
• Repeated reminders that this work is pushing against the darkness. Several men on staff had sudden medical emergencies come up over the weekend; one man left the weekend with our tearful blessing to attend to his family emergency. Just as I arrived onsite, one of my best friends called to tell me of his own medical emergency; he had staffed with me just last year and really wanted to join us this time. Several participants also experienced unexpected family crises while on the weekend.

The Crucible Project: Initiation Is Not A Cult

I'm preparing to go staff the March weekend in WI, and initiation is on my mind & heart.

What is initiation?

• In pre-industrial age societies, men initiated boys into the community of men. These were tests of strength, character, courage.
• Give them a taste of what it takes to be a man: 
• dig deeper for strength & resolve when they want to quit
• character when faced with situations where ethics, morals, & faith are involved
• courage in the face of fear & uncertainty
• The point was not to haze, shame, humiliate, or damage. After all, these boys were sons of men in the community.

 Why initiation for men?

Service & mentorship
not hazing

• What defines a man? Is it age? Maybe secondary sex characteristics like deeper voice or chest hair? How about sexual conquest, siring children, or moving out from his parents’ house? I argue that our culture, including Christian culture, is confused on this issue. I’ve seen little church teaching or guidance on this issue, leaving young men to fend for themselves. Because few of these boys have a mentor. And that, in my opinion, is because few men can understand, much less articulate what it means to be a man. Christian communities need Christian men to challenge & bless young men, to teach them, welcome them into the community of men, to share the wisdom of their experience with these men.
• For those men older than teens/20s, there are still questions: do I have “what it takes”, how do articulate what is going on in my head, how do I communicate with my heart / women / other men? Heck, in most cases, men have no idea what “authentic” community means. Hint: it’s not about drinking beer, playing golf, watching sports. If their Dad didn’t teach them, they’re trying to figure it out on their own.
• Why not have a group of prayerful Christian men challenge & bless other men, regardless of age? Where is the downside of teaching men how to understand themselves, be honest with themselves & others? 

Why not give out the schedule?

• I touched on this in an earlier post.
• I like to figure out the way to do well on a “test”. Left to my own devices, I’ll study like a wild man, practice, prepare. The truth is, I’ll figure out how much I have to do to meet a certain standard I have for myself, and do that. If I don’t know what the minimum is, I’ll work harder, do whatever it takes. If I don’t have lots of data on how to game the system, I won’t game the system. 

Initiation <> Cult

In terms of initiation, The Crucible Project doesn’t have the hallmarks of cults/hazing:

• Sleep deprivation
• Men get adequate sleep & are not up all night. Tired, yes. Driven to exhaustion? No.
• Coercion
• The whole weekend is what I call “challenge by choice”. This isn’t the military, people.
• Food & water
• Men eat & drink on the weekend; water is always available. It is not a spa retreat, but we don’t starve or go thirsty, either.
• Physical punishment or verbal abuse
• Absolutely, categorically, positively does not happen. The weekend is iron sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:17), not a place where men hurt each other.

I'm focused on what I can give back to the men on the weekend. Men I don't even know. I'm giving back the blessings & wisdom I've gained, in part through the service of other men who staffed. These men didn't know me, either. They spent a weekend away from their families, after months of preparation, to serve God and other men doing work that is challenging. On Sunday, we'll all leave blessed & full, and the community of Christian men will be stronger & wiser. That is neither hazing, nor a cult.

Crucible Project: Cult or Not?

I’ve heard the question raised, “Is The Crucible Project a cult?”

I think this is a common question for men to ask. After all, the site is not awash with details regarding what goes on during the weekend, men are asked to keep confidential what happens, and there are things said on the internet which can be disconcerting. This is a pretty broad topic, so I’ll address in several posts.

Full disclosure: I’m not an expert on cults, and I’ve not been offered any remuneration by TCP leadership to write this post.

Before I get into the definition of cults and how they may/may not play out in TCP, I’d like to address the high level concerns listed above about what goes on in the weekend, and the issue of confidential information.

Crucible Project:
Cult or Conspiracy?
Nope

What happens on the weekend?

The site and alumni are pretty vague about what happens on the weekend. Why? More black helicopters? No.

Part of the weekend is an initiation, which is experiential in nature. Even if I had the outline in hand before I went on the weekend, I would miss the context, flow, and rhythm of the weekend. There are times in my life when audible turn-by-turn guidance is what I want, and I can understand how mystery about the weekend can increase a man’s desire for step-by-step instructions. I’ve found introspection and adventure to be places where Tom-Tom doesn’t know the route. I want to use the cheat codes for my life, but that doesn’t help me learn what God has been trying to teach me. The best way for me to experience the weekend is to actually experience the weekend.

Crucible Project: Safe

Confidential vs. Secrecy     

Men who attend the weekend are asked to keep confidential what they see and hear. Confidential has several definitions; in this case it is about being entrusted with private affairs. Secrecy is something done without the knowledge of others. Strong friendships are built around trust: knowing each other well, including each other’s mistakes & failings. To share these confidential mistakes & failings with others is at least gossip, at worst betrayal.

Setting up the framework of “what happens here stays here” is important. It enables an atmosphere of “no shenanigans” (or “no BS”) that is as rare as it is essential. How many times this week did you suspect people were not being entirely truthful with you? Were their motivations or objectives secret (vs. confidential)? Do you trust them? Part of setting up an environment without these “shenanigans” is ensuring confidentiality: being entrusted with private affairs.

Can men talk at all about the weekend?

What did you
get on your
weekend?

Yes, they can. In fact, men are encouraged to share with others what they “got” on the weekend. The irony: some men are very interested in the step-by-step, when what is really important is the learning, insight, revelation (e.g. “I got it!”) that happens along the way. Talking about what I uncovered about myself is risky, because it can be messy or involve a level of trust I don’t have with everyone. It is also authentic.

On my TCP weekend, I did some powerful grief work. My Dad died when I was 12. I loved him very much. I wasn’t quite to the age when boys pull away from their Dads & start carving out their own identity, so our relationship had very little conflict. Among the things I “got” on my weekend: a renewed appreciation for my kids, a heartfelt love for them, and a drive to experience more joy with them. There are more things I “got”, things more confidential than a blog post anyone can read. And if you ask the guys who were there, you’ll get a knowing look that comes from shared experience, and how that touched their lives. And because they understand “confidential”, you won’t get the details of what else happened that weekend. That's not because of a conspiracy, or a cult. It is because those are shared experiences are private.