The Crucible Weekend: Advice

Here is what I've learned about advice. Yes, you could say it is advice about advice.

Isn't this the truth, most of the time?

• Don't give it. If a man wants your advice, he'll ask for it.
• Don't give it in the form of "Here's what I do when I'm in that situation..." This is really a case of me trying to fix the man, or waiting for my turn to talk. Think about it.
• If it seems a man is looking for advice, I can ask him if that is the case.
• If he is willing, advice can be more powerful in the form of questions, instead of telling. Example: "What do you think would happen if you asked for what you want?"
• When a man trusts me, I may have permission to share with him the data of what I observe. If I'm able to do just that, without the drama & emotional vomiting most people bring, there is power in the purity & simplicity there.
• If a man doesn't trust me, if he doesn't see that I care for him & his life, well...we're both better off if I keep my mouth shut.

Education & Doing What We're Told

I’m a fan of Seth Godin. He recently re-posted about education, and I read his manifesto. Truth be told, it is a series of blog-like thoughts, wrapped around a series of themes. And I devoured it. I was intrigued, and disturbed.

This guy is doing what he was told.

I agree with his premise that our current educational system is designed around control, creating good workers—not good critical thinkers, entrepreneurs, etc.

Upon reflection, I realized that I bought into the line that if I did what I was told, everything would work out. I looked back at some painful, emotional situations and realized that part of what stirred me up was the premise I bought into, and that things weren’t all right. Moreover, if I followed some of these people, things would never be right.

And I thought about my kids, and what they’re learning from me. If I’m honest with myself, I’m teaching them more on obedience than respect, more on step-by-step process than critically evaluating authority, what they’re told, etc. 

And I’m evaluating critically what I believe regarding doing what I’m told & everything will be just fine.

Maybe you’re asking yourself those questions, too. Do you have a trusted inner circle of men who you can call when you’re down & need encouragement? 

If you don’t, or you wonder what that looks like, why not check out The Crucible Weekend. You’ll get support as you evaluate difficult situations, questions, and assumptions in your life. I did, and it made all the difference.

Are you waiting for someone to tell you to go on the weekend? ;)

The Crucible Weekend: I Statements

Use “I” statements.

Not "you" statements.

Last week, I overheard a man say:

You know, when you feel like this you want to do something?

Um, what? Is this you telling me what I do, or you telling me about you, but as if you’re me? What is this person trying to say? Really?

Keep it simple. Own the feelings: I’m angry when this happens, or I was shocked/afraid/delighted at xyz. I won't be offended, because you're talking about yourself, using I statements. It is clear & simple: other people don't need to translate/decode who you're *really* talking about.

Put differently: speak for yourself. Let other men speak for themselves.

The Crucible Weekend: Thinking vs. Feelings, or Story vs. Impact

Tonight's post is the next in a series on communication.

• Guys spend most of their time in their analytical brain. Unfortunately, it seems we socialize men that way, staring very young. Kids who are “sensitive” and show emotion are taught not to express their feelings—or worse, to deny them. This is good for business, but bad, in my opinion, for society at large. 

• Men can spend endless time on the backstory, the details, all sides of the argument, what they’ve tried, etc. And we get nowhere when we do this. We *do* get somewhere when we can identify what we feel, and a few sentences of context around that. THAT allows men (and women) to connect with us.

• Sad Angry Scared Happy Excited Tender Check them out. And you thought angry & sad were the only emotions....

• Asking follow up questions like why usually catapult a man back into his head. It seems like a good idea…until we learn that the very basics of backstory are enough to understand a man where he is. 

More on Courage

On the heels of yesterday’s blog about courage, I saw this image & had a reaction.

'Nuff said

What in my life am I willing to do in order that I may say on my deathbed that I lived well? I don’t mean owning fine things, I mean a life of impact, meaning, and value. I hope my efforts here, at home, in my church stir men to action, healing, and leadership in their homes, jobs, and communities. Impact such that these same men challenge & encourage me to do the same.

Shakespeare said "A coward dies a thousand deaths, but the valiant taste death but once." 

How do you want to be remembered?

Communication: Curiosity & Active Listening

Lately I've been thinking about curiosity & active listening, and how important they are when we communicate.

Curiosity

• Asking open-ended questions, vs. questions with a yes/no answer.
• Seeking to understand the other person. My experiences are usually different from those of others, so it takes time, focus, and effort to understand where another person is coming from, what he means, etc.
• Using my eyes and ears when listening to someone share. I've actually seen someone say yes and shake their head no, unconsciously, in response to a question. Well, truth be told, someone else pointed it out to me. I noticed something, but didn't put it together until another, more observant man pointed it out.

Active Listening

• Is not just for women! Men respond to this, too. People respond positively if I'm showing them I'm paying attention--without hijacking the conversation.
• "What I heard you say was..." is a great way for a person to demonstrate this.
• Back to paying attention & curiosity (above), if you're really paying attention, you might find someone contradicting what s/he said earlier. In my men's group, we often call each other out on things like this.
• "You say regularly that quality family time is important, but you just told me you avoid conversations with your wife about the calendar. How will quality family time happen if you avoid scheduling it?" Busted! This is one of the countless blessings my family has received when I've been called out for things I say which contradict each other.

Are you genuinely curious about what your spouse is saying? Really?

What about community? Do you have a small group of people who *know* you, who listen well, care for you, and listen--really listen--to what you say? If the answer is no, why not? Groups of emotionally adept people are out there. Sure, it's risky & bumpy

What's in the way of taking the risk & make the effort to be a better listener to your friends, spouse, customers, & children?

The Crucible Weekend: Communication 101

Tonight's post is about communication, the first in a series.

If you think about it, this is true.

One thing that is hard for people, particularly men, to do is be present in the moment. I wake up, and over coffee, my to-do list takes off like it is attached to a rocket booster. It is hard to fight the G-force when the kids wake up and demand (and merit) my attention instead. It's hard to leave my agenda aside & listen & focus on what is going on in their worlds first thing in the morning. 

Here are a few tips I've compiled from men who have gone before me.

Don't

• Just wait for my turn to talk
• Go somewhere else in my mind: work, home, play--whatever is going on other than right there, right then.
• Think about how I can solve your problem

Do

• What the other person's body language for clues
• Listen to understand
• Work hard to connect with the other person: their feelings, their situation.

I find this works well, for both men & women. People really like to be heard, not told what to do like freshmen at football practice. When someone is busy telling me what I should do in my life, I find it hard to bite back invective, because that person usually hasn’t taken time to know me. Often, they're busy telling me my story--incorrectly.

Are you present, really present in your conversations with other people? What if you were as present as you could be—wouldn’t your relationships be different?

If this is intriguing or hard to grasp, take a step of faith, a risk, and check out The Crucible Project. These men know how to listen, how to be present in the moment. They're willing to listen, model, and teach you this, and many other skills. And you just might change your life.

Who knows? You might learn something meaningful about someone else. 

The Crucible Weekend: Fear & Treasure

I saw a post on Facebook the other day with a quote that I loved:

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. –Joseph Campbell

The cave you fear holds the treasure you seek. 

Now Campbell wasn’t a Christian (far from it), and I have not read anything he wrote, except the quote above.

However, his quote rings true, not just in my mind; in my heart as well. I know well the times God has whispered for me to take on a challenge, and I’ve dug in my heels, fighting/begging Him to not make me do that. I know I distract myself with “busy-ness” sometimes to keep from going to the deep dark places in my life.

I don’t naturally trust other people there: there’s too much risk. And I’ve learned, over time, how to be trustworthy & intentional when navigating deep, dark places—my own & those which belong to others.

It takes practice, encouragement, support, and the occasional dose of tough love. Men who have gone there with God can be His hands & feet, my brothers along the way.

I learned how to be transparent on The Crucible Weekend. I saw men who were emotionally adept, supportive without being sissies, strong but not bullies. They set the bar high & led by example. All of them led by example.

If you’re honest with yourself, you have at least one cave to which Campbell refers. You could spend your whole life running from that cave, swatting God’s hand away as He offers to walk with you in there, to heal & transform you.

Maybe you have children, or a wife. What example do you want to be for them/her? Do you want to avoid the work involved, deny it, ignore it? The people closest to you know. No matter how well you hide, they know whether you’ve taken the risk or not. You can tell an initiated man from all other men: there's a look in a man's eyes. No matter how many more times they have to go back to that cave (or other ones), they’ve at least done it once.

Don’t you owe it to yourself to have gone there, to show you’re man enough to go to a place that scares you to death? Think of how the rest of your life would look *after* facing the fear of that cave!

God is waiting to heal, grow, and teach you. There’s a group of men out there, The Crucible Project, and they’re ready to equip you for that adventure. You must do the work yourself; you do *not* have to do it alone. We have gear for trips like this; you don’t have to make your own torch out of a stick, tar, & cloth anymore.

Pull out your calendar & find a date that works for you. Sign up & take the first step in embracing the treasure in your life, not fearing and hiding from it.

Telling a Man His Story

Sometimes, in the confusion & pain that is my story, I lose sight of everything but myself. I revert to my childish, selfish, toddler nature, where others are there to meet my needs. And whoa, if they don’t, then they’re to blame: for my unhappiness, for what is missing in my life, for what is there but I *wish* were missing in my life.

I recently watched a man tell *another* man his story. To be clear, "Mark" told "Jim" what happened in "Jim's" life, what he did/didn't get, etc.. "Mark", the “teller” got the whole thing wrong. Entirely. He couldn’t have been more wrong if he sat down, did research, & planned it out.

In most circles of men, this firebombs a relationship: neighbors stop talking, churches splinter, families are broken. In a circle of initiated men, we are privy to something that seems abstract, yet is essential: it’s not about me.

In a circle of initiated men, the “teller” above is called out—not to punish, shame, or put down. Think of it as calling “shenanigans”. It is the teller’s opportunity to learn something—and the other men have the opportunity to learn something about themselves: do I tell other people their story?

In writing this, I realized I tell others their story. People close to me. Ouch: that’s not who I want to be.

Who knows your story? Who really knows you?

If someone telling you your story would set you off, and you are intrigued by what I described above, check out The Crucible Weekend. It’s run by The Crucible Project. They do a great job teaching what authentic Biblical community is, what it isn’t, and how to practice it. 

You’ll have the opportunity to learn it isn’t really all about you. 

And you’ll also have the opportunity to be surprised when some things are about you—even when you thought they weren’t.

The Crucible Weekend: Staffing

I got an email yesterday from a man I know. He went to The Crucible Weekend years & years ago & was transformed. He still meets regularly with a couple of the guys from his weekend. Kids, job changes, a house, etc. have taken up much of his time.

A few months ago he asked me about staffing: how did I do it, did I think it had been too long since his weekend for him to do it, things like that. He found a weekend that worked with his family schedule, applied to staff, and is excited.

I'm excited for him: for the growth, the unexpected challenges, for the adventure of staffing for the first time. Scratch that: staffing is an adventure *every* time. I'm also excited about what it will mean for our group, our church, our community.

If you haven't experienced The Crucible Weekend, I recommend it. If you can't understand why a man would give up a whole weekend to go serve other men, many of whom he doesn't know, without getting paid, then why not pray about it?

What might God have in store for you?

Crucible Project Cult? Part 13 of 13: Risks of Group Participation

At long last, the final post of 13 addressing key cult behaviors relative the The Crucible Project and The Crucible Weekend.

13) They fail to adequately consider the "psychonoxious" or deleterious effects of group participation (or) adverse countertransference reactions.

Basically, this aspect of cult behavior revolves around leadership not considering the harmful effects of group participation. I debated the risk to my "Man Card" on this one and decided to opt for information over pride: I looked up countertransference. Countertransference is where an analyst/therapist is effectively "triggered" by something a patient says.

While I can see how this definitely applies to cults, I do not see evidence of this in The Crucible Project as a whole, and particularly not on The Crucible Weekend.

I'll start with countertransference. The Crucible Weekend is not a group therapy retreat. The specifics of the definition here don't apply. That's fine, what about the intent here: does leadership consider bad things happening to participants on the weekend? There are several key components of this:

1) Leadership and their role
As I've blogged before, leadership on The Crucible Weekend is servant leadership, where leaders hold

Bible & Prayer: Cornerstones for The Crucible Weekend

themselves to a high standard (God's) and invite staff to call them out and bring up concerns. When was the last time you saw this at your job, school board meeting, political rally, etc.? In addition to serving the staff, leaders are of course focused on the participants on the weekend. After all, there is no weekend without men who come. And there are no more weekends if men leave worse off than when they arrived.

In the same blog I wrote about the months-long preparation that goes into The Crucible Weekend. There is a lot of preparation, intention, and most importantly prayer involved here. Leadership sets the tone in any organization, and here men "walk the talk". Atypical in most organizations, I'd argue.

2) Money
This isn't a multi-level marketing scheme where leadership lines its pockets with alms from the poor, or presents a life-long curriculum [read: revenue stream]. There are no ancillary products (shirts, etc.) participants buy to increase revenue. Fees for the weekend are modest. I do not get paid as a staffer on the weekend: my reward for staffing is not monetary. There's very little to do with money.

3) Safety
Setting aside the specifics of countertransference, what happens if men get upset/triggered by something someone else says?  There are tools, time, prayer, and a collective will on the part of staff to address it.

What happens with men when something "hacks them off". When a man is "triggered" by something, there are a whole menu of options for dealing with & expressing what's going on inside:

• physical release like fighting, yelling, throwing things, breaking things, exercise, driving fast (mostly bad options I know)
• covering it up/checking out through drugs, alcohol, video games, or some other pursuit
• taking it out on the people around them, intentionally or unintentionally
• obsessing about it: it becomes the dominant theme of any & all conversations for some period of time

There are many more things men can do; I think this is an illustrative list. What is missing, on purpose, from this list:

• figuring out what the issue is (at the core)
• resolving the conflict
• addressing the issue

Flowers won't do the job

In my own men's group, and sometimes on The Crucible Weekend, sparks fly between men. After all, it takes iron to sharpen iron: flowers won't get the job done. And by sparks, I mean some level of conflict, not fist fights or mixed martial arts. The difference between this happening on the street or at work vs. on The Crucible Weekend is that there's a way to work through the conflict/trigger to separate the component parts, to figure out what the issue is & resolve the conflict.

Addressing the issue is really up to the individual. Here's an example.

Backstory
There's a guy I know who is having a lot of conflict and chaos at work. Management is behaving

Really, really stuck

inconsistently, there are favorite employees who can do no wrong (and ironically, they do little work while they're doing no wrong), communication problems everywhere, and gulf between what senior management can expense and what front line employees can purchase in the way of tools/training to do their job. Sound familiar/reasonable so far?

He's Stuck
So this guy I know can NOT stop talking about work. Ask his wife, small group, friends, kids, neighbors. Sometimes he successfully avoids the subject; sometimes someone asks and it all comes pouring out. He's stuck. He knows he's stuck, but doesn't know what to do with it. He sees himself snapping at his kids and wife, spending more & more free time in some alternate reality (video games, alcohol, the internet, etc.) trying to get away, a break, a respite.

Now What?
If this guy were in my men's group, we would work through a technique or two we learned on The Crucible Weekend to separate out the component parts of this swirling mess. He'd be able to get a sense of the issue(s) underneath it all. If the issue involved sparks flying with another man in our group, he could address & resolve the conflict. This is radical: most men I know burn the relationship or walk away when there is serious conflict.

The man could also ask for help in addressing the issue. He could ask to be held accountable, to be encouraged, etc. by the other men in the group as he goes about the business of addressing the issue. The other men in the group can't have difficult conversations with this guy's wife, parents, friends, etc. They can't *make* him find a good Christian counselor, handyman, mechanic, mentor, get a new job, etc.

I've been the guy above. So have many of the men I know.

If you've been "stuck", you know how hard it is to get "un-stuck". The truck driver above isn't going to get out of there by himself. And the truth is, God built us to be in community, not islands unto ourselves.

If a group of men can teach me how to get "un-stuck" because they believe the glory of God is a man fully alive, then certainly they've considered the risk of me being in a circle of men. And I'm living proof they have the tools to address whatever comes up when sparks fly.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 12 of 13: Time Pressure and Cures

We're almost there: 1 more post after this in the series of 13 behaviors of cults. Today:
12) They pay inadequate attention to decisions regarding time limitations. This may lead to increased pressure on some participants to unconsciously "fabricate" a cure.

There are three components here:

1. how time is handled
2. resulting pressure on participants
3. "fabricate a cure"

Don't apply on The Crucible Weekend

Time: Adequate Attention; Focused Intention
There is adequate attention to time limitations; there is also intention regarding time limitations. As I've blogged before, time on The Crucible Weekend is handled differently than most of our daily lives. First, the attention part. We know for sure the start time of the weekend; the finish time is a range. During the course of the weekend, staff know what time it is, and a range of time we *expect* things to take, based on experience. I've staffed a few times, and each piece may take more or less time than it did on a different weekend--and that is okay. The goal is men getting what they came for, not a metric like on time arrival. God has His own timeline, and I'm praying for & counting on Him to show up on the weekend.

Lots of this on The Crucible Weekend

Now for the intention part. The handling of time, and managing to an objective other than time, are by thoughtful, prayerful design. The schedule isn't published because the weekend is an experiential weekend, not a lecture or a train schedule. I mentioned variability above. This isn't a business meeting; exercises build on each other and the time required is the time required.


The weekend is managed by objective, not the clock: when men get what they need, the weekend moves on.

This is NOT The Crucible Weekend!

Pressure on Participants?
Because there is no published schedule, and because in many ways we're off the grid, there is *not* time pressure on participants. We're all away for the weekend, and the outside world will go on just fine for a few days. When was the last time you unplugged from your phone, email, calendar, to-do list? Jeez, it is cathartic to just write that sentence! With all of those distractions removed, it is much easier for me to be present in the moment, wherever I am. The weekend is designed to provide this freedom, and I argue there is no time pressure on participants.



Fabrication And The Cure

The Crucible Weekend Doesn't Peddle Cures

The intent isn't for participants to fabricate anything on the weekend. The standard is to get about the business of honesty & integrity, not making things up. Given the amount of prayer, preparation, & intention involved on the weekend, I have seen the fingerprints of the Holy Spirit in numerous ways--not the fabrications of men under time pressure.

As for the cure...  There is no language about "cure" on the TCP site. This isn't a therapy group, it isn't a bunch of guys running around telling other men how to fix their lives. I blogged earlier about the goals of the weekend, which you can read on the TCP site here. I certainly haven't seen anyone fabricate a "cure" like some medieval alchemist. I have seen and heard men talk about how the Great Physician showed up on the weekend in powerful and often unexpected ways. I have heard talk of healing, restoration, etc.--but not cure. That is okay, by design, and further proof that TCP isn't peddling snake oil.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 11 of 13: People Not Process

Today's exploration of cult behaviors:
11) They sometimes focus too much on structural self-awareness techniques and misplace the goal of democratic education; as a result participants may learn more about themselves and less about group process.

This aspect of cult behavior doesn't apply to TCP either, for several reasons.
First & foremost, TCP focuses *more* on democratic education than "structural self-awareness techniques".

• In my mind, focusing too much on "structural self-awareness techniques" means teaching & practicing behaviors over & over during the weekend. The weekend is an experiential weekend for participants, not a training course on how to run the weekend.
• I've blogged about how staff on the weekends are empowered to speak up, that leadership is treated as an honor & responsibility.
• Staff understand (and are taught) that what men "get" on the weekend is unique & personal. The process/schedule involved is the means to the end, not the end in itself.

The second part of this: participants learn more about themselves and less about group process.
Um, that's pretty much the point. My previous post went through the self-described goals of the weekend as published on the TCP site.

I think the intent here is about how true cults operate, in that participants in cults are kept isolated from understanding the group processes in which they participate. This just isn't so. Once men complete the weekend, any man can apply to staff.

In fact, by the end of the weekend, the rationale behind the flow of the weekend makes sense to participants. As I blogged before, what happens on the weekend is confidential, not a secret. There really is a difference.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 10 of 13: Real Agenda

Now for the next installment of whether The Crucible Project is a cult:
10) They sometimes ignore stated goals, misrepresent their actual techniques, and obfuscate their real agenda.

Ignore Stated Goals?
Let's start with them, straight from the site.

We sponsor THE CRUCIBLE WEEKEND, a life changing experience that is designed to challenge men of faith to go deep to discover new levels of truth about themselves. We give men an opportunity to wrestle with God over issues in their lives. Finally, we invite men to embrace their God-given masculinity and live at new levels of authenticity, passion and power.

I see three stated goals
1) discover new levels of truth about themselves
2) wrestle with God
3) embrace God-given masculinity & live at new levels of authenticity, passion, & power

1) New Levels of Truth
As I've blogged before, there are activities on the weekend which foster growth, introspection, and looking at things from a different perspective, with new tools. The staff may ask the questions; each man, in close partnership with God, digs into the truth about his life.

2) Wrestling with God
My three children *love* to wrestle with their Dad. It's playful, physical, fun. It's a place where they learn things, like hitting & biting are not wrestling. They also learn what "cheap shots" are, and that they're not okay. They learn new techniques, team up with their siblings, and we laugh and have a good time. There's almost always something someone learns during or after, and we have a quick debrief at the end, to reinforce things like don't throw pillows at the ceiling fan in Mom & Dad's room. :) When I went on my Crucible Weekend, I was afraid about what "wrestle with God" meant. In my experience, it is similar to wrestling with my kids:

• I can't really beat God, just like my kids can't beat me (yet--they're still little)
• I learn new techniques & team up with others, just like when my kids join their siblings in wrestling me
• I don't get hurt/wounded in the process, just like I don't let my kids get hurt (bumps sometimes happen; no ER trips-yet)
• I learn something new each time, just like I mentioned above
• When it is over, I'm glad I did it, just like my kids are

3) Embracing God-Given Masculinity
This is important, in a world where men in media are henpecked, dimwits, the butt of the jokes, selfish, or cruel. The weekend looks at the Bible to define masculinity in God's eyes, with Jesus as an example. Acknowledging & embracing the truth about my life can be scary; it is also refreshing & rewarding. What if you weren't afraid of how you sized up with other men? What if you realized that men have a lot more in common than you were taught? What if?

The Crucible Project: No Trap

Misrepresent Actual Techniques?
I argue there is no misrepresentation; in fact there is very little representation at all! As I blogged before here and here, sometimes men blanch at not knowing what will happen on the weekend. I can understand being uncomfortable with the mystery. Have you read the testimonials?

Sometimes it seems like things are being misrepresented when in fact they're not.

Right out of college, I was a high school history teacher. Most of my peers "reviewed" with the students the day before the test: paraphrasing the questions which would be asked on the test the next day. My approach was different. I opened every class asking if there were questions, & did not provide a study guide or "review" the day before the test. I was consistent: I never "reviewed" for the test like my peers, and I told my students I wouldn't. Instead, I challenged my students to *think* about what they read, considering what was important, why we spent time discussing & reading things since the last test. I offered to provide the context for their learning if they had questions, but I didn't give answers to test questions the day before the test.

Isn't that how life is?

And yet, to teenagers, that is the bait-and-switch. My students' peers passed the time until the day before the test. There was a hue & cry about how things were different, unannounced, in some ways harder. I understand: who doesn't want an easy grade? But life isn't a high school test. There are fewer "easy" things for adults, even fewer are spelled out for us. To an adolescent, it seemed unfair, misleading, disingenuous, traitorous...

As adults, we can see the difference between purposeful duplicity and creating an environment where people can assimilate knowledge and experience in ways meaningful to them. The former is what cults do, the latter is what happens on a Crucible Project Weekend.

Obfuscate Real Agenda?
If you've read my blog entries through this one, you'll have seen that the Crucible Project Weekend is not a cult of personality, an MLM scheme, or a mind control gimmick.

Could it be The Crucible Project is what it says, that there is no conspiracy, cult, black helicopter, or other nefarious thing hiding in the shadows? I'd say so.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 9 of 13: Critical Thinking

Now for the 9th installment of 13:

9) They sometimes devalue critical thinking in favor of "experiencing" without self-analysis or reflection.

Thinking (and emotional literacy) Welcome

This doesn't fit at all; critical thought is not discouraged. In fact, there are opportunities throughout the weekend for critical thinking. Men aren't pushed or pulled into "experiencing"; this isn't a rave. As I've blogged before, all exercises are what I call "challenge by choice": a man can elect to not participate. So much for devaluing critical thinking in favor of experiencing.

Many men I know spend lots of time in their heads, analyzing problems. How many men can identify their real feelings when asked? I'm not suggesting the weekend is namby-pamby land; I am saying that most men I know have a hard time identifying what they feel. Having some base literacy there is essential, in my opinion, to living & communicating with other people, especially women and children.

The weekend encourages & provides opportunities for self-reflection. If you're skeptical, ask someone who has attended a weekend, or stop by a graduation ceremony & listen to what the men have to say.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 8 of 13: Encouraging Impulsive Behavior?

Tonight, part 8 of 13 in my series about whether or not The Crucible Project weekend retreats exhibit cult behavior.

8) They sometimes foster impulsive personality styles and behavioral strategies

Lemmings: Great imagery for the blog, not the model for The Crucible Project

I can understand how this is a fearful aspect of cults: getting members to "follow the herd" and do things they would not normally do, like giving up assets, doing things in which they would not normally participate.

The second part about fostering impulsive behavioral strategies indicates a longer term strategy around inducing impulsive behavior. Neither of these are true in The Crucible Project; in fact, there are specific efforts to counter what I believe is a natural human tendency. Let me explain.

Impulsive Personality Styles
As I noted in an earlier post, TCP represents a diverse slice of the male population: theologically (albeit all Christian), culture, language, location, vocation, marital status, etc.  There is no effort to get men to conform themselves into the image, habits, personality, or decision making process of any one man. The model man portrayed on the weekend is Jesus. The focus is not on being a clone of Greg Huston, or anyone else but Jesus; rather, the focus is on each man growing closer to God & becoming the man God created him to be, in line with the principles outlined in the Bible. Regarding my two examples above:

1. Men are not rewarded for a specific personality style or behavior on the weekend. There is no incentive to be anything other than authentic, which can be a challenge in and of itself. The weekends are "challenge by choice" (my term), and even then allow for differences among men.
2. There is no time-share style presentation, hitting men up for additional money before the weekend is over. There are no efforts whatsoever to get men to spend, buy, or obligate themselves for further financial commitments.

Impulsive Behavioral Strategies
In the first part of this post, I spoke of what I believe to be a natural human tendency, and that TCP works to counterbalance those. First, the natural human tendency. When I've been struggling with a problem for a long time and I finally get a crack in the case, some insight, a revelation, I'm excited. Coupling that with my natural tendency towards action often looks "impulsive". People who know me agree: I have made impulsive decisions. I've talked with other men about this specific scenario and they agree that many of them feel the urge to take action after uncovering new insights about a longstanding problem.

One time early in my career I found strange things happening at work, and the atmosphere became downright toxic. I worked to adapt what I could, to try new approaches, to work more hours--even though I had a sinking suspicion something larger was wrong. One morning senior management made a series of decisions and I figured out the issue...and that I needed to look for a new job. I was still employed, but the "writing on the wall" was clear. I *could* have made an "impulsive" decision and resigned on the spot: morale was bad, the culture was toxic, and I had new powerful insight about what was going on. In addition, I had savings, rented an apartment, and no dependents, so why not jump? Instead I waited for a time, sought wise counsel, etc. before acting. Though my decision to wait doesn't make for a story of boldness at parties, it was the right call. Why? Because big decisions like resigning, made on the spot when my emotions run high, are rarely wise.

Had I made such a "discovery" over the course of a Crucible Project Weekend, I would have received wise counsel about the urge I felt to go change some things about my job on Monday. I know I'm not providing much in the way of details; I choose to honor my commitment to confidentiality. Sure, I could have "stuck it to the man" and had a bold story to tell. TCP is about the larger story of God's work in my life, family, church, and community. Big decisions have ripple effects well beyond a snap decision and cavalier attitude.

The leaders of The Crucible Project understand men, their struggles, responsibilities, and commitments. Like guides on a dark, narrow path, they use wisdom and patience to lead from the front, rather than hype and hurry to push from the rear. Cult leaders don't do that, because they're out for themselves instead of being out for their followers.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 7 of 13: Total Exposure & Manipulation?

Now I'll look at cult behavior #7 & whether it is consistent with what I've seen on The Crucible Project weekend retreats.

7) They sometimes teach the covert value of total exposure instead of valuing personal differences.
I see this statement as three things:

1. Total exposure
2. Covert manipulation of others once they reveal themselves
3. Cults don't value personal differences

I have seen none of these three things on Crucible Project weekend retreats.

No explanation necessary.

*I've wanted to use this image for quite a while. I know it is very junior high of me, and I'm doing it anyway.

Total Exposure & Manipulation?
I know a man who is asks thoughtful, probing questions. He's honest about his own failings, challenges, & struggles. However, he has a very hard time respecting other people's "no" in the face of his questions. You might say he repeatedly tests my ego defenses. After several difficult interactions with this man, I went to a mutual friend for advice on how to deal with this man's persistence. Our mutual friend said that this man "…wants everyone to live emotionally naked. Most people just aren't up for that all the time." That persistence & disregard for boundaries is total exposure.

That's not what happens on the weekend, for three reasons.

1. As I said in an two earlier posts, here and here, each man is responsible for what he chooses to share. I don't judge what a man chooses to share nor does anyone compel him to share something different/more/make up something different. That's not authentic, it is coercion--and it is not at all what the weekend is about. Period.
2. There's a common value of confidentiality regarding what happens on the weekend. What is said there stays there. I blogged earlier about the difference between secrecy and confidentiality.
3. The covert value of total exposure. Sounds pretty sinister, huh? It certainly could be. It doesn't happen with The Crucible Project. I've shared some pretty deep, dark, difficult things on the weekends I've been on, as participant & staff. When men talk with me about what they've seen, it is about how they can relate, what they "got" from being a part of it. Nobody is confirming details or checking facts. Phones are secured elsewhere. We're off the grid. And maintaining confidentiality, as I've noted above & elsewhere, is essential throughout the weekend.

Personal Differences
Have you ever stood in a group of men & looked around? What about a group of Christian men? The subset & the larger group reveal the same thing: men are different. We look different on the outside, have different families of origin, different wounds, etc. Having said that, there are issues, questions, & key components of God's design for men which are common across all men.

These differences & commonalities are in constant tension. Both show up on the weekend. First, the common themes. The Crucible Project weekend retreats are for men, specifically those who call themselves Christians.

Differences are welcome and embraced on the weekend. Differences of race, ethnicity, language, & religious upbringing, for example, are some of the more visible ones. If you went on a weekend, or talked with someone who has, you'd find out that staff are also different from one another. I argue that a true cult would want cookie-cutter images of the same persona staffing, rather than diversity in any way. Check out the TCP Board of Directors: they're not all from the same church, state, Bible college, etc. I've also blogged about how staff disagreements are handled with integrity, instead of autocratic punishment or mindless adherence to a leader.

Another key assumption of the weekend is in fact that each man's work, like his walk with God, is different. That's why there's no published schedule, why it is an experiential weekend instead of a PowerPoint slide deck or list of practices, etc. I address these in an earlier post as well.

The weekend isn't total exposure, covert manipulation, or pushing aside individual differences. That may happen on other weekends out there, but not at a TCP weekend. And that is no B.S.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 6 of 13: Ego Defense

Ego Defenses Allowed!

This post tackles the next behavior attributed to cults:

6) They sometimes ignore the necessity and utility of ego defenses

I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, so I can't provide a scholarly examination of this. When I checked this out on Wikipedia, it tells me that people, including me, make up things to maintain a healthy self-image. Well of course I make up things to maintain a healthy self-image! In my mind, I'm not 20# heavier than high school, I'm a great husband, etc. Of course I do this stuff--just ask my wife. I do it, and so does everyone else. And I know why I do it (in a general, self-help kind of way).

In my life, I've had plenty of these ego defences some up against hard realities. Some of the most valuable words spoken to me by friends have been to call me out on those things. One time several years ago, a good friend named David told me that he was sad for me and my son. He told me that he kept hearing me talk about the problems we were struggling with, how I wanted to fix it/change…but I didn't change. He said he was sad because he'd been there with his Dad, having the same struggles. He knew how he was wounded, and he wanted more for me & my son. More than that, he said he believed I was sincere in my desire, but that he hadn't seen the change I'd been committed to for months. What he said stung because he was right.

He didn't tear me to shreds, assault my ego defense, or try to change me. He did remind me, in a gentle and firm way, how my words & deeds were not aligned. And he asked me which was more important. He walked with me as I went about figuring out what was in the way, and set about making important changes.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 5 of 13: Relationships

Now for episode 5 of 13 in my examination of The Crucible Project and whether it exhibits aspects of a cult.

5) They sometimes foster inappropriate patterns of relationships.
To me, "inappropriate patterns" mean emotional, sexual, or financial exploitation. These are pretty serious, so I'll address them one by one.

Emotional

Crucible Project: Emotionally
Healthy Relationships

In my experience, TCP is about creating a safe place for men to be honest with each other and themselves about their lives. Still, each man is responsible for what he chooses as safe to share. While this level  of vulnerability may seem scary to some people, this honesty isn't designed to emotionally vomit on others, nor is it about making comparisons to rank sins or justify wrong behaviors. When I'm staffing, I'm  there to serve the participants and to stand with other staff men to support participants emotionally.

Sexual
Most importantly, there is no sex on the weekend. Period. Boy, that is edgy to write, probably freaks out somebody, probably makes somebody mad. I'm walking a fine line here in terms of what does/does not happen on the weekend. But I write it because that little three letter word can be a powerful, painful mess in the lives of many men. In fact, many types of issues come up, including sex. The goal is to help men explore these barriers in a trusting environment.  In fact, realizing how volatile and powerful this little word can be in a man's life, TCP dedicates an entire separate weekend to examine the role of healthy sexuality in our lives. It's about examining perspectives, not about experimenting on people.



TCP: Not About Money

Financial
As I said before, I'm not paid to staff. Not by TCP, not by staff men directly. I don't get tips, gifts in kind, or any financial or other remuneration. I've done some impressive (for me) things on a weekend, but nobody has ever offered to pay me. (You can't see it, but I'm laughing at myself as I write about how I've done impressive things worth being pad on the weekend.) Even if someone offered to pay me for staffing, I'd refuse. That is not why I staff; I address that here. I don't invite men to weekends to I can grow my business or get them to be indebted to me financially. I don't know any man who does that (or would even consider it). The weekend comes up when men ask me or I invite them, and the basis is our relationship, my story, or what I "got" from my weekend.

When I hear men talk about the weekend, or who invited/told them something about TCP, I don't hear tales of payback. Instead, I hear tales of men who want to pay it forward--sharing what they "got" with other men they know, wanting to see that great benefit in the lives of their friends. In my opinion, that is about authentic friendship, not an inappropriate pattern of relationship.

Crucible Project Cult? Part 4 of 13: Authenticity & Reality

The next characteristic of cult behavior I'll examine: 

4) They sometimes foster pseudo-authenticity and pseudo-reality

Um, pesudo-what?

Pseudo is so….specific.

Authenticity

Authentic? Ask a man who has attended the weekend.

Staff share from their hearts on the weekend. The men I know well have been truthful when sharing,

whether as staff or participants. I've been authentic on weekends when I've attended and I'm challenged to share authentically when I see other men tell me the truth, even when the want to say something dishonest in order to look good. In my mind, that is authentic, not pseudo-authentic.

There's no incentive for pseudo-reality (a.k.a. making things up). I heard a friend say years ago that making things up is too much work for weak emotional theater. 

Reality

This isn't mind control; there is no pseudo-reality involved. The sky is still blue (well, gray in Chicago most of the time), there are no aliens, drugs, or mind-altering substances involved on the weekend. While I know some Crucible Project guys who know a lot about science & physics, they're not trying to bend those things on the weekend. Really.